He's moving
And I hate him for it
Even if it isn't his choice

I tried to get pregnant
So he could stay
But birth control decided to do its job that night and when I woke up the next day,
He still had to leave
We have exactly 3 days and 2 nights to ourselves before I become just another story to tell
Exactly 3 days and 2 nights before I can no longer walk to him at 4 am because I am missing home
Exactly 3 days and 2 nights before I become nothing again

It isn't fair
but nothing ever is
This happiness was just a figment of my imagination
But then again
If that is so, how could he make me feel as though I never knew sadness at all

I'm sorry I'm needy
and anxious all the time

I'm sorry I get mad and I'm sorry that makes you feel like you don't make me happy
But the truth is
You're all I want
I'm sorry i'm a selfish brat
I'm sorry that I test how far away I can push you until you crack
I just I want you all to myself and when someone you see everyday occupies your time better than I can
I start to feel a little hopeless
Like I'm just some girl you **** on the weekends
I know that's not the case with you
I'm trying to change
I know we have something much more
But when someone else can make you smile more than I can
I sink
And that's when I start to push
Until you're just as sad as I am
I push
And push because suddenly I feel unworthy
I start to wonder what I'm doing here in the first place
I push until I can't stand to see you hurt anymore
And then just like that you forgive me
As soon as I put my arms around you and beg for you to come back
You forgive, tho I can never tell you why I got so upset
You assume the worse and blame yourself

I'm sorry for that
I'm sorry for everything I put us through
I'm sorry for letting you love someone like me

He looked down at my ugly scared wrists
It was the first time he'd seen them in daylight
The first time he had noticed how many there were
And he had this look on his face and I couldn't tell if it was disgust or sadness or maybe it was horror
He looked at me
He looked at me and told me he was sorry
I asked what for
And almost immediately he replied
I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't there to keep you safe from yourself

I cried that night
I realized I was danger to myself and that I needed him to keep me safe
I realized I was afraid

I hate you
Stop stealing my focus
I'm trying to fit in
I don't want to be sad anymore
I'm tired
Leave me alone
Why don't you understand
I don't want you here
Hell I never did in the first place
You came unannounced
You stole my life
And quite frankly I want it back
I'm tired of you claiming who I am
I want to be happy
Let me smile
Go
Go before I try and cut you out again
I want my skin back
Stop wiling me to do this
Stop pushing people out my life
You're not all I have anymore
I'm ready to fight this time
I may have lost the battle
But *******
I'm winning this war
I hate you
I hate you
I hate you

How dare you love me right now
I'm vulnerable and ugly
As these tears run down my face
And my makeup smears across my cheeks
I stench with the smell of sadness an sorrow
And here you are
Holding me like I'm some kind of
Bundled up blanket who's edges you do want to hit the floor
Here you are whispering sweet nothing's into my ear
Until my gasps and hiccups
Slowly become silent and my breathing becomes even again
How dare you kiss my ***** face
Until I break my sadden barrier and smile
How dare you breathe me in slowly then all at once like you've discovered a new scent you want to keep to yourself  
How dare you love me right now
I'm vulnerable and ugly

But you ?

You make me feel whole again.

Words pound against my skull

      Let me out

They say
    
       Write me down

They want to show off
just how prettily they've bunched themselves up to form sentences
Each one, perfectly completing the other
How do you do it ?

"They" say

Well,
I don't
No matter what I do or say I can't control this
Everywhere I look
Everything I see touch or smell
These words appear and carefully dance onto my paper or sometimes my thumbs run frantically over the small keys on my phone ..
And when there gone
There gone.
But that's okay
I keep them safe