The routine is always the same.
The bedroom door closed
Music so loud that
My scream cannot be heard  
One thing leads to the other
Before I know, I have tears down my eyes and a razor in my hand
I don't know how many times I promised myself that it would be the last time
Minutes later I hate myself
Why was I so weak?
I regret it with all my strength
But its the only thing that temporarily eases the emotional pain.
I wish I didn't do this,
But there I am again,
Closing the door and let emotions flow just like the blood down my wrists...

I just want a hug
No questions
No whys
Just hold me for a few seconds
Let me feel your peace
And calm my soul

In this waiting room
My legs are shaking
My thoughts are spinning around
Waiting for my name to be called
For the solution to start
Standing outside the door
I take a deep breath
Knock knock
"Come in"
Voice inside answers
"What brought you here today?"
I've been practising this line for weeks but my voice still sounds shaken
"I need help, don't know what else to do"
I say, as I roll up my sleeves
A quick look and the expected question
"What lead you to that?"
I take a few moments to get myself together
I know this question was going to come
I try to explain what I don't understand myself
Tears roll down my eyes
I try to speak
My throat is sore
I can barely breath
He writes away on his computer
Occasionally looking at me
I wonder what he is typing?
What he is thinking?
I look at my fresh lines on my wrists
A crimson red that I learn to love and hate
"I'll give you some happy pills, it will make you feel a lot better"
I look at the bottle filled with little pills
That suppose to make me feel better
After three days
All the sadness
The despair
The anger is gone
But so is all the emotions
I feel like a zombie
I feel numb
I feel dead inside

I'm happiest at 4:25 in the morning
few cars on the highway
and fewer voices in this space
something about being alone
in peace and quiet
provides me with the solitude and time for
reflection that keeps me sane
I never know what keeps me up
but I know what keeps me away
The noise of the day is approaching
And while I can feel my heart getting heavy
i long for the next time 4:25 and I meet again.

I look at the blank page
That is inviting me to write
I have a whirlwind of feelings
But no words to describe
I look for an emotional story
But nothing comes to mind
This is the time that the poet
Doesn't know what else to write
Lost his power to turn
Everything easier with a dozen rhymes
And a not so happily ever after ending
Now asks the poet
If the rhymes ran way or were stolen
Stolen by those who never read or value them
And so the poet stayed
With a blank sheet and a troubled soul

If in once I dream I saw
My life before me,
I think I would turn and flee

I can imagine what I'd see,
Roaring hatred and laughter
All about me.

I could see my heart
As it flies in the air,
Each piece its own separate entity

A family torn the middle
As I cannot be understood,
Why must I be hated,
When I try to love a little.

If the past does repeat,
Then I am truly *******
As every girl before,
Left my heart for rot.

I can see myself
Putting others before me,
Stretching the chasm a bridge,
Only to be walked on
And never picked up.

Yet I'll do it time and again
The more I save the better
As even if they won't remember me,
They might never look back.

I see my future as bleak,
But better bleak than sorry
As every friend that crosses,
Lives a little more than me.

your absence is
like the aftermath
of the storm

i'm left to wonder
whether i prefer
the desperate
insanity you blew
into my life

or the deadly
silence.