Memories plant the ability to look backwards on one’s reality
So that they may change
And realize what was worth the pain
And what was only a mistake.

Although wishing for amnesia
Makes for a painful breakup song
I doubt anyone would truly
Wish for something so cruel.

Self awareness revoked
Just sitting in a chair
Not even conscious
While staring at whatever lies right in front

Not understanding why people hug you
And why they're crying
Not understanding what
Crying even is

As the mumbles
Incomprehensible
Escape from chapped lips
And dire eyes

I wonder if you’d even know of your end.

The room is cold
Lit only by the moon
I am curled up on my knees
Agonizing over old wounds
I want to scream
I want to let out a cry
But my voice is so tired
And my tear ducts have run dry

How did my life end up this way
Why did fate pull out the rug
Just to watch me slip and fall?
Was there any thought before it tugged?
Sadness turned to bitter hatred
For whatever calls the shots
It seems fate is against me
Whatever I do, it schemes and plots

That's how I felt ‘til today
When everything suddenly clicked
That there's no force to aim hatred at
There's no one to convict
There's nothing going against me
No puppet master pulling the strings
Just the unstoppable movement forward
And the inevitable losses it brings.

I was misguided..
I'm sorry for all the bitterness I've held for you..
For something that never felt any way about me..
Just a thoughtless process bound by natural law.

So long, old friend.
The way has lit a path
To new places,
But the bruises we have shared
And patched together
Through the years
Will not be forgotten.

I miss you
And I’ll be missing you
Old friend.
For the clock ticks
Us forever apart
No matter how close
And yet, still,
I know you’re there for me.

Brothers we are
You and I,
Old friend,
And I wish you
The very best in life
As you’ve made mine
Worthy of smiling back on.

And looking forever before my sight
Will I be in waiting
Of our next meeting.
For the way has lit a path
To new places;

So long, old friend.

I've had a string of nightmares
All following a theme
The kind that speaks to truths
That live outside of my dreams
They show me sudden twists
Tragedy, this horror's name
In instants how all life can leave
How all light can leave the brain

Tonight's dream, I was surrounded with friends. We parked in a remote spot surrounded by thick trees. Tall brown trunks extending upward, dark green vines and moss descend from the hidden ceiling, and dead leaves cover the ground in shades of green, yellow, orange, and brown, hiding thick roots we try not to trip over.

In the distance as we push through the forest with enthusiasm, I begin to hear the soft fluctuating static of waves crashing onto a sandy shore somewhere beyond the trees. My dreaming mind made no words, but I remember the conversations clearly for how they made me feel. I loved this group. I felt we had gone through a great deal of time together, and despite recognizing no faces, they all felt so familiar and so dear to me.

Almost all at once the leafy ground turned to sand. We had reached the beach we were headed for, and grey skies extended to the horizon over dark bluish green waters. This part of the dream is hazy. We quickly got into the water, but they pressured me to swim deeper. Rather than be alone or hold them back, I swam out, but my heart sunk looking down. Something about not being able to see the floor filled me with panic... so I kept my eyes on my friends and eventually we went back to shore.

Now I remember something strange. A feeling of deja vu. A feeling that I had had this dream before, and that something bad was about to happen.. but the four of us were so happy. Someone I felt was my best friend, another I felt I was in love with, and the last someone we all cherished equally, the smallest of the group.

We walked back into the forest, this time on a path. The spirit of adventure filled all of us, and we couldn't help but run along it, embracing the forest as a playground we had to ourselves. At one point I remember climbing a tree, as the one I loved climbed one near me. As we ascended, suddenly my stomach dropped again, and I was filled with dread. The world froze.

I recognized it. This was it. I remembered her face from when I dreamed this before. The angle I was looking at her from. Her next move would destroy her balance and send her falling.. a fall she'd never get back up from. I yelled for my best friend as time resumed, and he ran to just below us. I looked at his face looking up with concern, and felt momentarily relieved that maybe I could change this outcome.. momentarily..

In an instant my love was falling, and I felt my heart stop with anticipation.. she fell onto him.. he tried to catch her.. but when they collided there was a sickening crack. She slowly got up, but then began to scream, as we both took in what was happening. My best friend lay there motionless, except for his eyes. He attempted to speak some words.. but I knew he had no control of his lungs. He couldn't even look at me.. even though I knew he was trying.. and after some seconds of agony.. he evaporated into glimmering golden specs of dust. Everything that made him him was gone.. what was left was a corpse.

The horror of that moment woke me
And I was glad it was only a dream
But even though it never really happened
I still remember the horrible sights and sounds of that scene
What a terrible tragedy
To be robbed of crucial time
To come to terms that somebody's leaving
And instead have to jump to the end of the line

The worst of all might be having no enemy to blame.. the final grain from the hourglass.. fell from an accident.. a tragedy.

Purity

Clear water without a hint of discoloring
Free from anything however small floating inside
What is the purity of your kindness
Can goodness be tainted?
Although the outcome is wholesome
Do motivations lessen the good of goodness?

Selfish "Good"

How good is goodness
If goodness is conditional?
If all the good I ever do
Is to get something back
If I neglect those with nothing to offer
And bargain with those who'll do anything for help?
A desperate cry to my ears sounds the same
As coins clinking while they form a pile
As the shuffling of bills
With every "good" deed
My heart races as the weight of debts owed to me grows

Obligatory Goodness

When the pure water of a good act
Is used to put out eternal fire
Done not because I love you
But to appease my angry master
Under threat of hell, how can my motivation remain pure?
If good people is what the master wants
Why even muddy the waters with goodness under threat?
Unless it's not about good people
But about having people that can be controlled
Monopolizing on man's fear of the unknown
To create slaves that will shackle themselves
For the illusion of safety
And to be free of the burden of thinking

The Good Face

How good are good acts
Done merely to preserve an image?
To stay in people's good favors?
To be praised for your selflessness?
Like the good that asks for something in return
And the one that comes from fear
If being good was not rewarded
Would you still seek it out?
You can't help if people praise you
For doing what anyone should
But you can help if that's what drives you
If you save all your goodness for the spotlight

For Goodness Sake

I saw you hurting
Your face was not that of a stranger's
Because although I've never met you
I know you.
You're me, if all our circumstances switched
I'm just as human as you
There are no main characters here
It only feels that way because ours are the only thoughts we hear
But you're no different than me.
We're all only people
But I have the ability to help
And so I will.
I don't need to be seen
I don't need you to repay me
I'm not afraid of any religion's hells
I just have compassion for you, fellow human.
Unconditional love is the heart of pure goodness
The heart of goodness for goodness sake.

My friendships
Turn to dust
As another date
I said offhand,
I failed to commit
To memory.

Trauma of the past
Has left remnant seeds
Of which I rely on
As a survival instinct
That has driven,
Like roots,
Uncontrollably through
Every friendship I gain.

I forget the most basic
Conversations and things
I’ve said,
But my past,
Made black in defense
Of my ability to move forward,
Shows plainly
That most of it I did not need;
Files have been deleted,
And only frames
Of each have been contrived
To make looking back easier to handle.

I often wish it was not this way,
And find myself apologizing
For a defense mechanism
That has rooted in the very fabric
Of every memory—
Will they ever forgive me?
Will I?—
I hope they don’t see the blank
Canvas that I see.

Will it ever be filled
With anything other than
The coffee stains
That have been left
From when I’ve decidedly
Put off trying
Not to forget?

Or will it be an everlasting
White, that juxtaposes
The darkness I see when I look back?—

It tantalizes me, truly.

I'm not afraid of strangers
But.. maybe I should be
My belief in people's ability
To be good
Is it ungrounded?
Or was it just a stupid dream..
A reality that only lives
In the unrestricted wilds of my imagination's depths?

The setting was dark
Night time on a suburban outskirt street
Light poles spill out orange light
Coloring the sidewalk ahead of me
But I'm not walking for leisure
I'm walking away from something
All I have is an echo of voices
Voices that wish to destroy all I have
Despite all I have residing in a single van.

At this point I have nothing
I am homeless
And I am hated
Nothing too strange to not exist in reality
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

My hurried shuffling brings me to a van
That I recognize as my own
That I recognize as my home.
But what's inside is unrecognizable
A body quick to rise
A face I've never seen that speaks with a voice I've never heard
"Get out of here, this is my car"
He said..
This car is all I have.. I couldn't let it go
"No, it's mine and I can prove it. I have the key."
I respond with all confidence
He's in the wrong and I can prove it
But in a moment right and wrong is no longer based in logic

He pulls out a gun.

Why would someone who doesn't know me
Be so ready to **** me..
And for what..?
A car..?
I've heard of people dying for less in this world
Maybe I should be afraid of strangers

So now I turn around
Running as best I can
While curses, threats, and insults are thrown at me
But they have no sting
Nothing can hurt me with my adrenaline so high
Knowing that I'm trapped in this street with no cover
Running away with no chance of escape
Just going through the motions
As I wait to hear the gunshot that ends me

And then I woke up.