A never ending well
You fall
And you fall and fall and fall,
Yet you never plummet

It’s sad and terrifying, yet reassuring,
All at the same time.
Some may attack this part of me, calling it an illness, and at times where my fear strikes and I begin to feel the fingers of everyone I love, detach, I see it as such - an illness - too.

Overthinking has, in some way, crippled my ability to just be,
To live in the moment.
Some nights, it is my only companion, tucking me into bed, playing with my hair, letting me know I’m not alone, never, not entirely.

Sometimes, when the world aims its’ horrendous acts of violence, like heartbreak and disappointment,
Overthinking wraps it’s arms around my stomach and disables me from thinking straight and in some ****** up way, it might be asking me to stop, turn back, and walk the furthest away from them as possible.
In some ****** up way, it’s helping me see things clearly
But I never listen.
I don’t think it works that way for me.
No matter how many warning signs, red flags appear in front of me,
Sometimes all I want to do is wither the storm and hope I come out of it alive.
Maybe in some ****** up way, I believe this would make me stronger, even though that has caused me to break into even smaller pieces than imaginable.

The steps I take away from you seem deeper than the shallow ones towards you.
I’ve almost lost my senses as I resided beside you, becoming one with the chair
Controlled and made to feel a certain type of way only to be neglected whenever my use was no longer needed
Disposable
I was always disposable
And what does that say of the way I love?
That it is not an ocean that hugs its shores, but one that chews and spits out remnants
I can’t seem to recall the memories of when I was anything, but broken
I have melded into the shards and at time’s, when I move, they stab and wound me from inside out.
My skin has been marked by red patches and in some artistic, poetic way, you may say that these patches are the marks of a warrior, but I say they’re marks of a fighter who longer has enough fight in her
If I decide to give up, would they all yell out in objection,
Or help me get there faster?

You weren’t supposed to leave me when I needed you the most
My heart bleeding onto the concrete floor, next to that bashed up car and my traumatized thoughts
You weren’t supposed to etch your name into my heart, but you did so anyway
All that’s left is a scar, the platelets unable to clot the pain away
Most nights, I’m stuck in one of my nightmares
They all start with me calling out your name and end with you walking out the door
You weren’t supposed to ask for my heart if you weren’t worthy of its’ keep
But ****, I guess we all ask for things that seem so far out of our reach
I’ve written so much of you
I’ve called the Moon after you,
You have almost become a figment of my imagination, your being almost unobtainable
I’ve built you up so perfectly, no flaw, no imperfection,
And that is the cost of a heart that loves unconditional(ly)
We dive into the ocean, swim deep into the blue, wide eyes at the beauty, no more breaths, we begin to heave,
Our lungs slowly suffocating,
The air, they no longer keep
We drown to save our art, make sure it survives
You were my muse, my everlasting glow
I saw galaxies in your eyes, even though I had multiple of universes in my own
It was simple really,
All I’ve ever wanted was for someone to hold me tight, kiss me when I’m doubtful, say a couple of words to make things right
Act on the pretty verses that laced that pink tongue,
Mean what you say, don’t parade around a handful of indirect lies
See, I have had my heart broken a couple of times.
I have given my being, without batting my eyes
It is time I invested in myself, in order not to falter on broken promises
I have treated carefully through the pieces remaining of my heart,
But I think it’s time I made amends with the parts of me that loved me enough,
That helped me stand up and pull myself out of my slump.
I am more than those who have claimed to ‘love’ me
I am a form of Love,
Maybe one, still in disguise

Dear Malak
Hi
This is a bit unsettling since the last time I saw you, was in the bathroom mirror; hair pulled up into a ponytail and you had a spark in your eye diminishing by the second.
I wanted to ask you what it felt like to lose; life, sense, sight.
I think you’ve lost a lot and yet you are still a wanderer unaware of the chaos that looms before you.
Explain to me the wounds that mark your skin and tell me about all the excuses you’ve placed for those who’ve abused you one way or another; may it be abusing it directly - strategically placing their knife through your spinal cord -  or taking you for granted since you oozed forgiveness until you walked away and thought the only way out, was through solitary.
You pushed away. You pushed away your worries and the blame, the hurt and ache, you pushed away the closest to you because it was easier to cave in than allow them to see the weakness that has made a home within your body, and that may not be a mistake but I begged you to knock on doors whenever you felt like losing yourself in a world or two or a universe and another.
I wanted you to bloom and not decay.
I wanted to to be and not
Explain to me how easy it is for the thoughts to create a beast that eats your insides and leaves your skin, a costume to be worn by the shadows that loom in you.
Tell me how your sadness sways with you
Tell me how you can’t find peace when peace surrounds you and how you latch on to the anger when it’s devoid of everything around you.
Help me understand the issues that pile up one after the other
I know it’s not easy explaining but I don’t mind if you wrote it in Morse code or painted it onto a blank canvas.
But talk to me.
Help me understand your wants and needs because it’s become harder voicing out your worries when all you hear is noise.
This has become as hard as yelling out for help as you hang off the edge of a cliff and I’m so afraid that at any moment you just might let go.
How are you?
I hope you’re doing fine.
I hope the thoughts ease up and your worries evaporate like rain
I hope the pain that grips your stomach ceases to exist because seeing you lose your appetite in anything that keeps you alive has caught my attention, and I don’t think happiness emerges from a place where all there is,
Is a lost girl wandering through an empty forest, and all she’s waiting for, is a monster ready to rip her to shreds.

Dear Mason,
I've given you my words and now, I'm left with nothing but another piece of my heart.
The only one remaining I presume.
I've etched your name in to me, drew you into every dream and struck you out of every nightmare.
The sky contains you again and the moon and stars now light my once dark night.
My hands have known comfort in yours and they haven't found home anywhere else.
My heart spoke different languages when it came to loving you,
But the moment we parted ways it became deaf, mute, blind.
It became nothing.
My emotions jumped off a cliff and we called it emotional suicide,
Where the only thing I wanted to feel was Time,
But all I felt was the loneliness.
It's as if I were sitting at a bus stop, waiting for your arrival but you never showed up; no matter how many days, weeks, months passed.
Your pretty words, like a tongue gracing a neck, seeped through my skin, and I wanted you to take all of me, right then and there.
Your eyes always found their way into the depths of my soul and I want to jump into the deepest dark whole because you are everything I want to possess.
See, I know I've hurt you.
I know I added a few more scars to your heart and it may beat differently because of it,
I know you might heave at times but I want you to know a love like yours,
A love like the one you've drugged me with, remains in my veins, blood, body.
My thoughts contain you.
Every pair of eyes I look into resemble yours,
And my words, I've lost them since I thought I lost you.
But as you extend your arm and your hands caress mine and our fingers tangle, my words call back to me.
Your love -
I've been dying for your love
Now,
I'm willing to live for it.
My words, are yours,
Whatever left of my heart is yours
It never was mine, anyway.

Yours,
Now, then, forever, always,
M.S