I walked into a bookstore today
looking like a ghost finally
getting out of the shell it was stuck in.
hair a mess.
lips ****** from continuously biting.
eyes red and watery.
I knew people were looking and I knew they didn't understand.
"why does this girl look like she just got back from a war"
"was she just at a funeral or something"
yes.
yes.
I wanted to tell them I will always love him
but I will resent him forever.
The funeral of our broken memories
broken promises
broken hearts
was a few days ago
and I wanted to tell them that I wished I missed it just like they did.
I should've never gone.
Every where that brought strong vivid memories would forever be a graveyard.
My own ******* bed,
a graveyard.
he used to sleep here I would say.
But he left long ago and leaving absolutely no trace.
no trace of life
no trace of the beautiful love we had.
It takes a horrible person to make something
so beautiful and turn it into bitter dust.
He turned it into a graveyard.
and signed his headstone
"I'm sorry you weren't good enough"

the first time you left i remember i wanted to
preserve as much of you as i could.
i would wear your shirts to bed
and look at old pictures.
Now that you're gone again i cant wait for
the day all the cells in my body are replaced
so i can say i was never touched by you.
looking at pictures makes me sick
to think that i was so blind.
and if you hadn't taken all your clothes
home a week ago i would've burned
them by now
in hopes to get every trace of you
out of my sight.

I will never forgive you for the way
you tore my heart right out of my chest
and left me on the ground to die.
This is the art of giving someone everything
you possibly can and loving until
you had nothing
for someone to decide they didn't want you in
their life.
this is ******.
This is someone giving you an oxygen tank
to help you breathe
to take it away a year and a half later
and expect you to breathe on your own.
This is how you rebuild yourself because
you were my other half and since you left
I only feel like I am half.
this is what you did to me.
I will never forgive you.

I don't remember the last time
I heard your voice
or the last time you spoke so
nice and softly to me
like you used to.
I listen to old voicemails
just to hear that voice again.
I don't know what form of torture you
would call that,
but it's like putting a drop
of water in the desert
making it long for more
but we all know water doesn't
belong in the desert.
you don't belong here
with me anymore.

I don't know how much longer I can take
laying in this empty bed.
it's like there's a trace of someone
on the other side of me
but I know they left a long time ago.
it's like I feel the warmth coming off
their body but when I go to
get close to it
it disappears.
it's like I knew you used to lay here
before and I swear to god
I can still feel a trace of your ghost
laying right next to me
but I know you're not
and you never will.

I wanted to call in sick to work today
and tell them that i just couldn't do it.
and its not the sickness your mom can make you soup for
or the doctor tells you to rest and drink liquids.
It's the kind of sickness that makes you feel like
if you take one step out of bed the ground is going
to crumble beneath your feet.
It's the sickness that caused you not to eat for days
or weeks.
It's the sickness that makes everything in the world
feel like absolutely nothing.
The doctor can't fix you
Your mother cant fix you
No one can fix you.
Only you can do it.

You're going to love someone with everything you have one day.
You are going to love so hard that it almost kills you.
It's going to feel like you're dying.
And maybe you are.
Maybe thats what love is
Maybe love is taking every single inch out of yourself until you are left
with nothing just so that the person you love is okay.
Maybe we take all of our warmth and put it into someone else
until we are left frozen and alone.
But maybe that isn't love.
maybe love is putting warmth into each other so no one is left in the cold.
Maybe I've been doing it wrong this whole ******* time and its time
to ******* be warm again.