Even if you don't exist.
The idea of you,
has kept me going.

Even if it's lackadaisical
with a heavy helping of delusion.
It's better than nothing.

If only you could love me.
The way,
I would love you.
I wouldn't be sitting here
surrounded by flower petals and false hope.
Alone in my thoughts, I've found the garden to be the loneliest of places.

I've carried your worry
for so long.
I'm starving for ambivalence.

In a dog eat dog world.
There are no winners.

Only cannibals.

My mind is a tornado.
Whipping through my thoughts,
on an endless loop.

Distorting memory and fantasy and blending them together.
In a warm drink of fuckery.

I'm smiling right through you.
With a thousand yard stare.
I'm doing fine.
Just a little manic.

Casually accepting
we're living in a dystopian nightmare.
We've been training for this moment.

Years of all this
chaos and fuckery has aged us.

When will we wake up
from this fever dream?
And at what cost?

There's no coming back from the cliff we've been pushed off.

We are the hive mind.
A collective of self depravity.
Wrapped up in Pandora's box.

Like ants climbing into their hill
Descending deeper and deeper into the hell they've created.

Are we any different?

Compliments are just friendly reminders; that the mirror and our thought are both compulsive liars.
Sent from the depths of hell
to drag us back down with them.
We're smiling through our tears.
But for what?
At least we're okay, right?
I don't know who's real anymore.

I've dined with snakes of all kinds.
Your cobra doesn't scare me.
Fangs and all.
My stance unshaken.
By your taunts, your threats.
A snapshot of your desperation.
A glimpse at your quest for control.
The epitome of lost causes.
Failure of the heart to produce an ounce of love.
There's no saving you.
And I'm sorry.

Freedom is just a word most of us can't afford. .
It really only happens when you have a fat stack.
These days freedom is taking whatever you want and ******* over, everybody else.
In whatever position you'd like.

The only winner in life's trials are the ones brave enough to shout their dissent.

Control is merely a word to be taken in context.
If you could smell the desperation in the air.
You'd notice pleasant notes of petchulance and defeat.
Guising as false bravado our enemy lies like a motorboat whipping through the swamp he never drained.

Love's just the lightening in a bottle.
The wonderful electricity that powers our beating hearts.

Life could be so wonderful, if you'd quit breaking my circuit.

We're all just torturing ourselves
for greater social gratification.
For people I do not know or even care about.
Feeling worthless is a popular trend.
And I am exhausted.
I don't want to be social anymore.

I'm playing with your mind games.
But I'm losing every time.
You act like such a monster.
I just want to call you mine.

My love for you is fleeting.
Like sand flowing
to the other side of the hour glass.
Baby, our time's running out.

Better to be
dust in the wind.
Floating to new beginnings.
Than to be the ash that fills
the urns of our past lives.

Using God as an excuse
to stab your Brother in the back
Too cowardly to show your face.
And too stupid to see all the evil unfold.
Evil you supported. .
Thank you for ruining our country.

Mood disorders, the natural defense system.
Of the abundantly emotional.

When did having feelings become such a bad thing?
In a world fixated on bipolar memes and acute anxiety.

End the stigma.
Such a fancy phrase that when push comes to shove.
Most are the stigma posing as the advocate. .

You may laugh now.
But when you're midlife crisis
catches up with you.

How will you react?

Feeling worthless is a popular trend and I'm not even sure I want to sit at the community table.
Comparing apples to oranges gets really ******* old.
These days I'd rather just be alone.
Safe in my thoughts.
Reality is far more rosey over here.

I dont know who I'm supposed to be anymore.
Like the weather,
I'm indecisive and moody.
Looking for reasons to be gloomy.
You can catch me sulking.
In the sunlight.
Always wanting what I can't have.
I am only human.

I'm better off worse
than stuck with you.
My dreams placed you on a pedestal.
Now they're just nightmares of me running from you.
But isn't everything just wonderful when we're sulking under the same sunlight.

Warped projections.
Cracking masks show what lies beneath.
Deception.

Whilst we eat the cheese.
Placed so carefully in a trap.
Soon we'll be on our knees.
Begging for more.

Lies can bring comfort if that's all you've ever know.

I'll be rocking out in obscurity.
After all, eccentric
is just the polite way
to call somebody crazy.
Ambivalence is man's best friend.
Because nothing really matters.

I'm gathering my thoughts.
Like leaves.
To be raked up and cast away.
Just as our dreams died before us.
In the end, do we even matter?

Try as you might.
But I've seen how this will play out for me.
So why would I fight?

To end up sitting in the dark.
Wondering what's more tragic.
A funeral for a dead man.
Or a clandestine ceremony for a living one.

Sometimes grey is no longer an applicable color.
Something's need closure.

I've got the Celiac.
It's making me a maniac.
I'm in a ******* mood.
Don't mess with my food.

You'll probably get assaulted

Well, I don't need no injections.
I take my meds on time.
I don't need no injections.
I haven't done no crime.

I'm just a little moody.
And that's okay with me.
I don't need no injections.
******* and let me be.

All my life's worth has already been determined.
By the scales, by the mirrors.
By the people and their words.
My thoughts, intrusive swords.
Weapons used against me
In my own mind.
Against my will.
I'm just fawning in the flames.
Like a deer in the headlights.
The lights are on but nobody's home.

I've been trying to understand this insanity.
But it's nothing but a losing game for me.
When white is black.
And black is white.
I'm forever searching for a shade of gray.

I'm just throwing pennies in a well.
Wishing to stay relevant.

Like one does when
keeping up with the Jones's.

Here to fight a losing battle
with the day before me.

Because the night marked me present.
And I'm still here.

Despite all opposition.

Courage is only fear ,
who's said it's prayers.
Incantations won't ulter this reality.

You can't negotiate your way
out of hell's emptiness.
Language knows no boundaries.

But Latin is more effective.
Despite our constant speaking in tongues.
This is exhausting.

Like a Venus retrograde.
I'm screaming on the edge of nothing.
Waiting for your echo,
to bounce back to me.

If time doesn't exist.
Then why does mine feel so wasted?
One day was a nice thought.

But I can't live in no man's shadow.
I cast a few of my own.

If my mind could
stop only for a moment.
To catch its breath.

I don't think this
would be so hard.
Breathing in water has never looked so fun.

But I digress.
For I am just at a crossroads waiting to get my guitar tuned.

In the wrong place.
At the right time.
The wheel of misfortune has changed its course.

Beauty isn't
something you see.
Solely in a mirror's reflection.

I think it's how
you make me feel.
I really never wanted to be here.
In the first place  

But its okay, when I'm with you.

Why waste my breathe.
When you can't listen to anybody else but yourself.

I'm not sorry for your lack of patience.
But I am sorry, you lost me.

Because when the roofs on fire
and my life is falling apart.
It's okay to be the fool.
Because he's walking off a cliff with a smile on his face.

So who's really living their best here?

I gazed into the abyss.
Only to see a demon,
staring back at me.

The ghost.
Of someone I was never meant to be.
In the first place.

But if only
for a moment of time.
You could take a walk inside my heart.
To gaze upon the feelings I've been conjuring up for you.

Excuse me,
while I step out of my mind.
I'd like to be
any where but here.

Wasting away is just surrendering to the pendelums curse.

Sometimes you're swinging
forward and everything's like magic.

While other times,
you can feel your heart slowly stopping,
like a broken dream.
Crushed by the hammer we call reality.

Revelations that I am nothing more than the trash.
I never wanted to be.

I've fallen in rivers colder than you.
Under all the sorrow, there is a monster.
Much worse than me.
The ghost of you.

A shadow of the light you once were.

Life's swell;
when you're drowning
at the bottom of a wishing well.

In the company of your most guarded thoughts.
Burried emotional, traumas.

A crown, I'd rather not claim as my own.
I'm just passing time until it's time to go home.

Shocking similarities of today, pull the trigger.
Flashbacks of my days spent here yesterday.
I'm lost in the wrong place at the wrong time.
If you were here and they were gone.

Guess I'm parasitic by nature, I'll find my way back to you.
Long after the maggots got the best of me.

I've seen what happens
after all of this.
Desolate, perpetual darkness.
With a sea of fog and nameless voices of people I used to be.
Directional guidelines for my final adventure.

Four minutes felt like fourty years.
And to be fair, I'm annoyed the nurses woke me up.

It was nice, speaking with you again.
Even if you told me to go back home.
To which I came.
Ironic though, you were my first home.

I'd rather not play;
my royal flush in
Pitty party poker.

Like a subordinate subboxin user.
Apparent cleanliness, washed out by legal addiction dysphoria.

Keep swimming.
It's easy to be king
of ttash mountain.
Just ask the president.

I've seen those on their third
chance.
Chastise those in the same shallow waters. They once called home.

Denial is one hell of a drug.
And it's legal.

I'd rather be in isolation station.
For, living is worse than dying.
In my eyes, I'm just looking for a shade of grey.

I hope you suffer,
wounds deeper than
emotional scars beneath the dermal layer.

You're truely not worth the air,
you consume.
A zealot. Heretic turned holy.
An abomination hiding behind closet alcoholism.

I'd hate to be your  liver.

Benadryl and chill.
Anti hystamine dreaming.
Pre meditated drug dealing.

Over inflateted egos.
Boys with Legos
for brains.

Hussling at gas station.
Sending little paper parcels
to wide doe eyes.

Getting high is more fun, anyways.
Most days,
I'd rather play pretend.

Sometimes you just feel so
zombie esque it hurts to breathe.
The twitches
of a witch's
evil eye.

Mirages,
of a former ghost.
My personalities paid host.
Posessions, demonic in blood relations.
I'm lost, in my own sea.
Dead like the one before me.

Every now and again.
The therapist will
give you the wheel.

Driving down a highway
for the ****** martyrs
of psychosis.

But whose really helping who?
Pleading incompetent to subdue the enemy.

Only for a moment.
Will I, endulge in this
depravity.

With smiles stained of the ****.
I willingly eat to stay relevant
It's decadent.

The sweetest escape.
For narcissists young and old.
Covered in paranoia. Leaking impulsivity.

Rocking the crown of thorns.
I don't know who wore it better.

Anti social.
Manifesto conditional.
Always sulking
within the darkness of me.

Soul ******* succubus.
Tu n'es pas ma mère.
Je vois,  mon amour.

Screaming colors
at the blind.
Only falls on deaf ears.
Apparently.

My aura
be violent
with ya.

Like backwashed desires.
Regret.
From impulsivites.
Yesterday gave me.

All lost memories of lucid dreams.
Now hungry nightmares.
Staring back at me.
With the same doe eyes.
That used to call, mine.

But our blood
will spill
Just the same.

It's not about the headless
victm.

Nor will  it ever
be. So.
Just chill.
And enjoy the thrill
of the ****.

The blessed expedition.
Hunting the Hunter.
Is a most wonderful feeling.

Going postal
On the ones giving you
All these letters.

The mail carrier.
Is positive for swine.
Flu.

Cause the news.
They keep dishing us.
Is tainted.

Rotten.
Like the word.
This **** is rolled.
Gold.
Put that in your straw
And snort it.

I really only think of you.
When I'm drunk.
Getting
choked out by strangers.

A working boys story:
missing home.

Is like missing
razor blade kisses.

Drawing lines.
Parallel to my opaque veins.
A translucent transient.
Im serious about my crazy.
Don't play with demons ;
if you can't handle the Devil

I'am,
what i am.
The lowkey Siren.

Lemme sing you a song.
While I place a curse on
your mayflower.
And drag us all down.

Captain,
I'm not one to **** with.

Under the borderline sun.
I'm a career psychopath.
Working from home.
Beneath the ground.

I once called home.

Aren't we all just knocking
on open doors
I'm not home right now.
Try again later.

Trust is like a personality.
Broken, evenly.
You say, I trust everyone
but you.

I'm kind of split in judgement anyways.
But I can't keep up with who you're trying to be today.