years are funny aren't they?
sometimes they gallop away quickly
dancing and singing into the sunset
other times they dawdle
slowly fading, their bag weighing them down
too heavy with memories to run

this year or year and a half I should say
has never gone slower
a long list of pain
a heavy bag
does slow me down
trapping me in the past
when all I wish for is to run away

I still see the scars sometimes
even though they're faded know,
when I'm cold and my skin gets paler
I see their ghosts
where they used to line my arms
like guards, they thought they were helping me
instead they were a runway
to the final act which I had no nerve to perform
lucky, isn't it?

Still I see you, trying to free the emotions
Helplessly trapled inside my flesh
maybe I could rip them out
makeover that would cause my heart to stop beating

I think I'm sad but I was never good with emotions
you know? I always get lost when navigating them.
My compass must be off, wonky maybe
Or my emotions change too quickly
the second I get close, they're gone.
Always just too far for me too reach.

Why can't it be simpler? Like when I was younger.
Sad, happy, anger, boredom
that's the main four, I think.
Now there's so many all mixed into one
that I no longer know my lefts from my right

"bring back bullying"
except it never left
it evolved and grew
like a wild vine
left unchecked

"bring back bullying"
except I bet you never
cried before school
the night and morning before
never getting a break

I've never been bullied by another
I've never bullied any person
except myself maybe
as for years I did torture myself
criticising my every movement
my every thought and decision
then it became physical,
as that's the way the story always goes

I'm no longer who I was
that fact makes my heart ache
my lungs weaken
my smile fade
because I was the happiest kid
with no care of what you thought

now I stare in the mirror for hours
trying to convince myself I'm pretty

now I think about every interaction
trying to decipher if I was too much

I'm no longer who I was
the carefree joy was stolen from my palm
and now my finger tips reach for it again

the rivers ran dry
the soil crumbled
the plants grew wilted
the insects fell from the sky
in starvation
the hedgehogs struggled,
the squirrels too

'cause all the waters gone
I cried it for you

lonelys a state not a feeling
it's a sense of being
that flows in your veins
consuming your whole body

it's not temporary or easily fixed
and somehow we all seem to be lonely
at one point or another
yet were all still alone together

leafs fall so delicately
branches sway carefree
flowers bloom so slowly
clouds drift with no rush
yet humans walk in numbers and letters

I miss when my heart ached in every beat
how it spread the pain through out my limbs
reaching the tips of my fingers and toes
it made the pain feel less somehow
as it was diluted into my blood,
it would be there, mixed in, forever
but at least I couldn't always feel it

my heart can no longer do this
it stopped beating when you left

how do you change so quickly
the eyes once filled with warmth
are now stones
that look through me

am I a ghost?
someone that you wanted to leave your life
but it's somehow impossible

your smile used to be the real
and I used to support you when it was not
now I look past you too
because you couldn't fix your mistakes
so the only way to get rid of them,
was to get rid of me

i don't want to face my feelings
they're too strong now to bare
they punch my heart
and beat up my brain til I can no longer think

poetry forces me too face them
so this passion now fades
despite my fighting
,forcing the sadness into letters,
as the emotions swarm inside
a whirlpool of a lost desire to face tomorrow

I loved you enough,
didn't I?
that if it could bring you back,
it would

I'd hug you tight then see your tail wag,
my heart would leap
doing somersaults in my rib cage
as not a single part of me
would feel despair anymore

What does it take to be heard
I was always taught that it was talking
both clearly and respectfully,
wiping the emotion from your voice
so they never know how they heart you,
the truth of what they did.

I've never been heard though
when I try to do as I was told,
my discussions only called for
when it's accompanied by tears,
until those are seen
I'm invisible and trying is futile

Are you together now?
I know the love you had
,grandma,
for a dog you never met,
so much so that you filled your house
with pictures and ceramics
of this dog,
who's ball you had never thrown,
head you had never patted,
heart beat you'd never felt

My dog never knew of you
of your warm smile
but I like to think that she knew to look for you
in a place I don't believe exists,
I hope she can tell you love her,
I hope she knows that you hug her for me,

I hope that every time I cry
is I time that you feel truly happy together,
then Ill know that you'll be happy forever.

I stare at the camera shutter
as it opens and closes slowly
a flash of light,
encapsulating this time,
these seconds, minutes, hours, weeks, months,
years.
It can all change so quickly
or so slowly.
So dreadfully, painfully slowly
that minutes seem to last forever
that years seem a while life time away

So as the lens stares back
at my smiling cheeks
at my red eyes,
I wonder how long this will last
and in a while lifetime,
I mour what could of been, what will never be,
most importantly what I long to be

Until the pictures taken.

After my tears had fallen
their path all dried up
my eyes less red
less puffy, less full

I thought of my problem
how I could not fix it now,
only with time will it develop
for better or worse

How many times have I cried in my life?
All the issues I've encountered
that felt like the end of the world
but I'm still here after

I spent so long staring at the clouds,
I forgot the sun existed.

I used to be academic
people would call me bright
smart was always the first description of me,
it came before everything
so I was always on tope of my work
with high grades
even though I was naturally average

I would pride myself in this
and others would too,
I was always happy
knowing I'd made my parents proud

now the new year hasn't even started
I still have two days left of summer,
somehow I'm already behind,
questioning all my subjects,
feeling hopeless and alone

I used to scrawl my words on paper
writing twisting lines until my hand ached,
turning grey from the pencil lead

I liked how the scribbles showed my work
erasing and reforming
until I thought I'd found the correct words

Now I write onto my phone,
tapping buttons on my notes app,
deleting my mistakes with ease

my beds a monster
with layers of warmth
heat emanating from within,
it's steady breathe
lungs rising and falling
rocks me too sleep,
it listens carefully with it's round ears
absorbing my tears and worries
to store deep within

sometimes my bed gets angry,
it's jaw opening wide beneath me
threatening to swallow me whole,
refusing to relinquish it's hold
as my screams are muffled in it's pillows

I remember seeing the therapist,
she always had an optimistic smile
painted onto her face,
her hair was grey in a way that shone
like a hopeful beacon,
her eyes sparkling with silver
like a medal I had yet to achieve

but as we talked I saw her grin flicker
into a disappointed frown,
her short strands of hair
grew frazzled and confused,
worst of all her eyes changed

I've never felt smaller then I did then,
under her pitiful gaze.

I cry at inconveniences,
ones that wouldn't impact others
yet leave my inconsolable.

Id like to say I'm proud
of my ability to feel everything so deeply.
Unfortunately I dislike it the most
as I often get written off as hysteric,
my options rarely get heard

I try to comfort myself, often failing
until I came to a grave realisation.
Maybe I'm not too emotional,
the worlds just been dulled

So strangers starving no longer feels big,
So we don't cry for people who die
if we've never met them.

Maybe I'm not even emotional enough
because every day I still get out of bed with a smile
whilst someone else looses their most beloved.

Maybe I'm a terrible person
for carrying on when they can't.

I don't believe I'm life after death
not any kind,
not ghosts or gouls,
not spirits and soals.

Anyhow I like to imagine your here
sleeping peacefully on your chair,
I talk to you as if you were
when I bump into you and apologise,
when I wake you up and say
'go back to sleep my little baby cat'

I don't believe in live after death
not any kind but still I pretend
that your here with me as I talk to the air,
A sliver of my heart believes it to be true,
I let it think that.

They want you to be asleep when you drown.
Not to spare you the pain
which they could easily stop the cause of.
Not to make you peaceful
as they are the cause of this stress.

They wants you to be asleep when you drown
so you won't swim away,
so you won't try to stop him,
so you die quickly
causing no extra hassle to them.

Will you be asleep when you drown?

why can't it be 2 o'clock if I declare it to be so,
if I have no commitments or stressors
nothing of time importance to do
then why can't it be two

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
if no one's impacted but me

why can't I declare it to be 2 o'clock
when war could be declared at five

why do I always have nightmares?
when darkness overtakes the sky
it envelopes my head as well
with fantasies of death and horror

whilst others dreams of daisies
in warm flowing fields,
of waves gently lapping
about the shore

why do I jump from sleep
when my nightmares pop
in a cinematic ******,
whilst others wave goodbye
to the bunnies and mice
as they drift towards walking,
ready for their day ahead

words fall out my mouth,
finding no ears to cling on to
they tumble to ground

climbing up from the dusty floor
where it had never been
until you boarded up the path

they scramble up your jeans
clinging to the rough surface
up towards your bright top

Infront of your eyes they rest
seen by no one as they hide in plain sight
your pupil too focused on the past

circling your head
they search hurriedly for an entrance
but it's too late
you jump into the deep end
and don't come up for air

I would stand on the playground
whilst we did make believe
they would be princesses, I would too
with a gender neutral name though
my favourite of which was Alex

I'd declare that my future child
would have a neutral name
the happiness in my grin would shine
knowing I'd let my child be themselves

In silence I would wish I'd named myself,
as I didn't resonate with my own.

I wonder how different things would of gone
had I been taught what non binary was
had I knew it was an option.
I don't think I would of hated myself
despised my body or resented my parents

I don't think I would have felt the need
to criticise my skin
to eventually harm it
to change it because I deserved it,
I was not who I was supposed to be.

my brain holds my tears hostage
my emotions huddled all together
in a pile at the back of my mind
logic refuses to negotiate
not letting a deal be found
for it knows if I get caught
with red eyes and puffy cheeks
I'll have to answer to the cops
that watch TV downstair

I'm alone now
not only in my room

isolated by my 'friends'
with no one to discuss with

so I sit on my phone
writing to no one

I miss how we used to be
when we would laugh
smiling with pure joy
trust and love

that's all lost now
it's never coming back

I feel hollow
like some scooped pit my guts
stole my beating heart
threw it on the ground

when did they stop caring for me?
for my feelings.

I lost my friends
I still get their messages
I still type out a reply
out of formality if anything

At this point I don't know why I try
when they so carelessly discard my feelings
saying they're too busy to meet up
then sending me pictures of them together
whilst I sit at home alone
not even ten minutes away

my grandma visited a year ago
I think about it regularly
reminiscing on our joint memories

she'd never visited before
she said this might be her last chance
I assumed she meant to visit
that she would get too old to travel

but when her hug lasted  two seconds longer
than I thought it should

but when I saw her eyes glisten
in the dim hotel light

but when her voice cracked
as she said 'goodbye'

I wondered if she didn't in fact mean that
this would be the last chance for her to visit
and instead it would be her last chance to see me

her granddaughter.

It wasn't that she was dieing
but we were never that close
not enough for me to make the trip to visit
a burden I always took on myself
even though she was the adult
with a phone she could call me on,

suddenly her efforts felt not enough,
and a little too late.

which way do you turn
when you don't know what's on either side
of the dessert path
both could be a pool of gleaming water
both could be dry land forever

stuck in indesision
I peer down both walkways
unable to move my feet
with only one day to make my decision,
the clock ticking away

tears pushed by my brain
they overstayed their welcome
they're now locked outside

Shadows are a funny thing aren't they?
always with you by your side
a constant in your life
waving at you when you spot your friend
smiling at you when your on your walk
hugging you when you embrace your loved one

Shadows are a funny thing aren't they?
hanging of your feet
they're always there
even as you clutch you heart and fall,
until your inside your coffin
with the sun nailed out
it fades away forever,
it's life gone with yours.

a war rages on inside my brain
two voices dominate the rest,
as one call for more guns and bombs
it's only aim to cause damage,
the other whispers for peace
with a soft voice thats not fit for combat,
all it can do is silently gain support
of innocent onlookers

inside your head do fatalities also rise
at the hands of bullets that strangle soft voices,
does your heart wish for peace
wailing against the sound of warfare

I look deep into your eyes
for any clues for the victor,
wondering if my words did help
or get drowned out by screams

I found the teddy
that I named after you

it's fur is still fluffy
even though it's aged and *****

it's eyes bright blue
just how urs sometimes were
not always though, you had green too

I hug this toy
holding it as tight as I can
squishing it against my chest
kissing it's head

wishing it would turn in to you

I believed I was better
sitting high upon my perch
my back as straight as a ruler
as I glowed with pride

peering down at others around me
I'd smirk in self assurance
as sure as I was that I was the best,
I was sure that others were worse

so when I fell off my chair
just to find myself the same height as others,
realising we always were the same
just from a different perspective

I screamed and wailed
that there was no way it was true
until I swallowed my emotions
realising I'm no better than you
than my family, my friends
the characters on my TV,
the musicians all over the news,
than my former self
who had no place to sit

I try to create
to make art
to write poems
it all seems fake now
the brush strokes
the empty words

I try to create
whilst watching other people successes
They're so much better than me
they're so much further than me,
I wonder if my journey was once there's
if they shared this feeling one time

What if all of life is just faking it?
Struggling to get through the mess
tripping over dilemma after dilemma
rumbling through problems and disappointments
just come out with a fake smile
a grin that seems to meet their eyes at the corners
a grin that only they know isn't real
that hides all they suffer through
just for a few hours
before they are alone and go through it all over
again.

I write in a notebook most of the time
It's cover is dark blue waves
that dance across the fabric

It used to inspire me
the way I imagined they would move
gracefully lapping the shore

Now the four walls confine me
constricting my words
strangling them so they fall lifeless

Tomorrow I will leave for holiday.
Hours earlier then my usual alarm
whilst the sun still hovers
around the corner of the horizon
I'll drag myself out of my cozy slumber
forcing my eyes to peel open
all to board the plane.

It's booked at an early time, of course
so I can leave here faster?
or
so I can experience more?
either way I will
attempt to run from my mind
all the way around the world
as if racing the sun
but no matter what
my mind will always be faster
it will always beat me,
just not before taunting me
whilst I huff and puff
and it sings a melodical tune of hatred.

My life would be complete
If I were to die right now
All because of this song
That has blasted in my ears
for only the past twelve minutes
but I'm sure I'll listen to it for another hour
before I finally drift to sleep
with the music still in my ears
so if I didn't wake up
as least I died happy

I don't know how many understand this feeling
the notes connecting with your soal
so they sing in harmony
as a wave of relaxation crashes over you
to the beat of this rhythm
that you'll sure you'll never forget
so that when your sixty
you'll tap your feet the same as you do now
and feel this joyful emotion
in your final waking hours
because I don't think I'll ever connect to anything more than I do to this melody

I don't think I've ever missed anyone
The feeling feels unknown
frightening
Because whilst I take notices of people absences
Because whilst I care about them deeply
I've never had the feeling
Of being too alone without them
Of wondering what they're doing
Of wanting them to be thinking about me
My heart has never ached for them
to have them by my side

Im unsure if this makes me bad
a bad daughter
a bad sister
a bad friend
an undeserving figure in others lives
Do I not merit their loving care
or their warm bright stare?

lines used to swarm my arm
whilst tears dropped down my face
now the scars have faded, disappearing
whilst tears drop down my face

Being Gay is just a phase!
These words are always on their lips
Shared through grownups chatter
and by the always buzzing media

But then without an ounce of compassion
When we're meant to be finding ourselves
Our freedoms is taken
Our actions are restricted
Our etiquette is controlled

Until we grow old when
They say we'll be more responsible
That we'll have learnt how to act
The proper way we should behave
But I know the way I want to be
So if I have to hide it
In order to stop their talk and gossip
Until I'm deamed worthy to think for myself

So when they used to say
that being gay is just a phase
that we could change our brains
they instead taught us to conform
to keep things how they always have been
so we'll grow old and lose our charm
to be how they want us to be

I love being home alone

The peaceful knowledge
of having no expectations placed onto you

The welcoming silence
of solely your own voice and opinions

The loving embrace
of the warm air all to yourself

I love being home alone
Just me and the walls
But sometimes it gets dark
The sun setting early
The air becoming stiffer
Aware of my idleness

I'm always worried people hate me
That they see my name in the notification and sigh
That they dread seeing me but feel guilty not to
That they say my name with spite and anger
when telling others about me

I see people and my eyes light up
I think there's do too
They have a bright smile stretched over their face
which I don't even know if it's true
or a false facade to hide their rage