Distractions
Cleaning
Planning
Working
Writing
Editing
Dancing
La­ughing
Going
Keep going
Don't think
Keep moving
Don't stop
Keep busy
Don't pause
Don't breathe
Hold your breath
Don't think

You life is in order
Organized
Full
To its potential
You're being efficient
Getting things done
Even things that don't need to be
You've replaced the meaning of sleep
With the bitter taste of coffee
Replaced the simple task of meals
With the sweat of exercise
Replaced the tears down your cheeks
With the absence of thoughts

You've moved on
You're moving on
No time to look back
No time for emotions

Until that one thing
It's little
But it's not what you planned
Just one thing
You could get over it
And move on
But you can't
It's still there
Won't leave
Looming in your mind
Getting louder and louder
Galloping across your eardrums
Ramming into your forehead
Until it breaks through
You hear it screaming in your memory
Rattling your skull
And finally
You take your first breath in days
And another
And another
Much too quickly now
Your chest grows and shrinks with each exhale
Tears streaming down your face
You want to stop
And move on
Like you used to
But you can't
Tears blinding your vision
Your head feels weightless
Your fingers tingle
Your lips are numb
Your heart can't be controlled
You feel dizzy
You close your eyes for just a second
And the dam splits
Everything that has ever affected you comes flooding in like a tsunami
Taking over your brain
Drowning your emotions
Controlling your movements
And you just sit there
In your parked car
Black streaks down your cheeks
Feeling useless
There's nothing you can do
Your head bowed
Your eyes rested gently on your bent knees
Hoping no one sees you
Knowing that it will leave a
Spotted wet stain behind
in your light wash jeans

It is then you realize
that there are some things
That can't be changed
No matter how much you try
To be an adult
You're still a kid
No matter how much you do
To distract yourself
The past will stay
No matter how much you plan
Things out
You can't control it all

Life will be unexpected
Isn't always easy
Isn't always fair
Isn't always what you expect it to be
But it's going to do what it wants
And you get to choose how to react to it

So take a deep breath
Think for a few seconds
And move on

A hollowed tree
Like the air in a haze of silence
Like a sunflower seed in the palm of your hand
Like a child anticipating Christmas morning

It starts faster than you’re prepared for
At first you’re falling
Terrified, uncontrolled, holding your breath
Eyes closed
Wind whistling past you
You’re shaking
Now you’re screaming
Thrilled
Heart racing
Teeth bared
You’re smiling now
As you catch yourself
Adhering to a branch
Swinging from side to side
Weaving through everything in your way
Intertwining with yourself
Braiding your own silk
Don’t stop for a moment
If anyone saw you they’d tell you to slow down
But you don’t know how
You’ve given up control of your body
You’re the creator
And the follower
Constructing your own masterpiece
Nothing
Else
Exists
Time is a fictional concept
The world is a cloud of fog
And you have never seen more clearly
The patterns dancing before you
Growing in magnitude and detail
And it’s exquisite
You hear the murmurs as people walk past
Admiring your quilted work of art
It’s all that’s ever mattered
It’s all that ever will matter
Past, present, future, as one

Now for the first moment
You take a breath
Proud
Relaxed
Content
Lucky to have been given this talent
Satisfied with your efforts
Blessed to be a part of something so great
So breath-taking
Twists of sweet silk wrap around you
Intertwined with your self-made comfort
Wrapped in your blanket of security
Tangled in your thoughts of happiness
Gum on the soles of your feet
Captivated by your own distractions
Bound by your expectations
Smothered by the necessity of love
Glue on the tips of your fingers
Trapped by the need for control
Suffocated by your pride
Choking on the admiration
Rubber bands constricting your neck
Bound by the fear of change
Knotted by the unwanted consistency
Imprisoned by your own design

Your legs strapped, unable to move
Your hands cemented to the transparent rope
Tightening around your wrists
Your hair becomes the sheer silk
Your clothes are now tangled twine
Encompassing the entirety of your body
Adhering to your ankles
Strangling your neck
Drowning your thoughts
Suffocating your free will
Vision blurs
World dulls
Sounds muffle
Struggling only weakens you
So you become stone
Paralyzed
Unable to move
Unable to breathe
Unable to find the motivation
The purpose
The drive
You once had
You’ve lost possession of your worth
Surrounded by beauty
Your stomach remains an empty glass jar

Suddenly
You’re swept
You’re spinning
Unwinding
Out of control
Trying to grasp onto a thread
Something recognizable
Reaching to hold on
Arms flailing
Hummingbird heart
As everything you’ve ever known disappears
Ripped apart
Torn to shreds
Every
Detail
Destroyed
And you’re left
Alone
Dangling
Gasping for air
Controlled by the wind
A single thread
Cinched to your leg
Dragging along
The crushed dream of what once was
Ache lingers
Birds flutter
Ants scurry
And you’re left stranded
Abandoned by your past
Unable to begin again

Like the air in a muddy cloud of noise
Like a sunflower dehydrated to a crisp
Like a hopeless child, brought to reality

Until one day
It will snap
And you will be nothing again