The waves splay lazily, pushing and pulling back
I am one of many shells decorating the ocean shore

The air is humid
It smells of salt and sea
It smells of solitude

She sells sea shells on the seashore
I am on display on her table
I am glamour and gore

I am quiet and calm
I am an ornament
I am purchased, and then thrown away

I am an empty shell on the seashore
Surrounded by wet sand
Apprehensive of the hand
Outstretched to reach me
To pick me up
To take me from home

I am empty, but you can’t tell
When I smile, laugh, and yell
You’ll think I’m full

My veins have been drained of blood
Of compassion, sympathy, and love
I am dry, running on empty

But you’ll never know that my insides disintegrate
When I hand more to you

There’s a constant throbbing in my heart, with no relief
So I clutch my chest when no one’s looking


No one’s ever looking


But when I look at you
I laugh, I smile
And you look at me and reciprocate
And I wonder,
If you’re empty too.

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
But I am in denial

The rollercoasters, the rides
The constricting confines
Of the oceans
The commotions
Of the mind

But I am fine

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
In the depths of despair
I no longer compare, to what once was
I no longer wonder what could be
I just am

‘tis the disease that defines
the soul
the whole
the mind

‘tis the disease that defines
the loss
the gross restrictions
the contradictions
intertwined, by design
by affliction

are you a victim?

I’ve got all the symptoms and signs
Of the disease that defines
The Death of Control
And the Birth of Disaster.

I've used up all my bandaids
And lost them all

My days compare
to a rollercoaster's rise and fall

Rather than the steady trail of a train

Where are all my bandages? I cant find them
I used them for my wounds
But they disappeared

The cuts burn
And the bruises bleed

I no longer care

I have no bandages and no bandaids
I can't complain
The wounds are self-inflicted
I relish the pain

It's alright
The wounds are a work of art
Emotional
Delusional
Dysfunctionally comfortable

But what good is a bandaid
To a broken soul
A painkiller
To a faulty heart
What good is a smile
To hidden tears?

You give me the good ol' blues

I took you for the happy feels but the happy feels done gone

I'm close to tears again
It's not you
I'm just broken

Maybe I shouldn't have done what I just did

I took two ibuprofens
And two codeine pills

Yes I was in pain
But not the kind you think
I was suffocating
And needed to wash them down
With an ice cold drink

But now I'm numbing
The pressure subsided
I am a little lightheaded
It's not what I wanted

**** I shouldn't have done that
There's a slight thumping in my right temple
Hey?! Arent you supposed to be a painkiller?

I took you for the happy feels
Where the happy feels at?
I'm still broken, nauseous, and sad

I took you for the happy feels
But baby you give me the blues
My fork shakes as I hand it to you

Honey dont leave me
I'm lost and confused

I took you for the happy feels
But you gave me the blues

Baby baby, im red yellow and blue

Im listening to sad songs, singing the blues

Baby dont let me cry
I'm hurting

I feel each beat of my heart, pumping

You were my happy pill
Now I'm just lost and confused

I took you for the happy feels
But all you made me was blue.

I go through the motions
Of the ocean waves
Haunted by illusions of control

I stumble and fall, into the water
Breathing it in
The poison burning my lungs
As I choke

I try to unlock
What lies beyond
But I am stiff and motionless

Emotionless
The corrosiveness
Eating at my very core

You wont see it

The lack of control
The rise and fall, of the waves
As they crash into me
As they wash me ashore

You wont see me cease to breathe
The water weighing my lungs down
The water making me bleed
With a full frontal collision

I am collateral damage
I am the aftermath of disaster
I am the sadness
Thereafter

I am the chaos, the calm,
The lightning and the fog
I am a motionless corpse

You wont see it
When I cough and stand
Brush off the sand
As I rise and stumble back into the ocean
As the waves destroy me once more
As my body is washed ashore
Again

You wont see me

When I nod and smile
While you speak
When I cheer, as you peak
When I fall to the ground
When you turn around
Never to get up again.