Suffering.
In silence I suffer.
Attempting to escape the pain.
As my brain becomes more insane.

Relapse.
I crave the number going down on the scale
Crave the feeling of being frail.
Why?

Hatred.
Poisonous hatred as strong as steel
Living in this body is surely surreal.

Broken.
I hate myself thin, I hate myself fat,
Never satisfied, I am sure of that.

Wonder.
I reached for support, now I must wait.
And now that desire is overcome by hate.

Uncertainty.
Of what will happen soon.
Hopefully not spiraling down to my doom.

I'm ashamed to admit
that from time to time
I miss the feeling of my bones.

I miss feeling thin
Feeling empty within
Feeling powerful and in control

Yet this is an illusion.

Depressed and fat, or depressed and thin?
Which mindset will eventually win?

I hope to find a middle ground.
Where self battering isn't a recurring sound.

Can that be found?

In the midst of anxiety
You make me feel calm
When I'm with you
Nothing feels wrong

Your smile, your care
Brightens my day
Makes me feel like I'm more okay

You see my struggles
My overthinking mind
But accept and support
You're one of a kind

With you
My world is brighter
And makes more sense
I'm able to strive
but feel less intense
You see the good in me
When my brain is a bit blind
And help me to grow
and try to unwind

I'm grateful for you
And everything you are
In my darkened, black sky
You're the scintillating star

Everyone deserves
both the sun and the rain.
But not everyone gets
the same amount of both.
And so is with the weigh
of love we ought to give
and receive.