It’s a man-a-phobia
No relationships
Thinking of you
Any of you
Makes me so sick
Being with you
Waking up to your body
Waking up to your smell
The smell of a man
A man in his entity
A man that is me
Not my true counterpart
But the one I have chosen
A fake, a phony
Not the real “one and only” –
It makes me sick to my stomach
Sick to my gut
Churning and twisting horribly
I want to throw up my intestines
Feel the bile in my throat
It sickens me
Sickens me
Sickening to be –
It’s an uncomfortable lurch of the stomach
A dull poison of the gut
The gut-squelching feeling – sickening
Sickening to be –
The sick, smiling, pale discomfort
Morning in a pale white light
Cool air, early dawn
With him smiling right at you
Your trap, your enclosure,
He is your world
He is everywhere,
Sickening you, in your veins
Your gut sickens at his smile.
To know someone,
To be someone,
To be him,
Him, him, him,
It’s the most sickening, disgusting,
Bile churning in your gut feeling
Of no escape.
I’m trapped in him
In his world of gray.
I am his gray.
His delicate features,
His small, secret smile,
So personal, it knows me, smiles into me;
Oh, God, it brings up the bile!
The air we breathe
Each day, each moment,
Seeping through my skin
Bland corruption,
Fresh and pure;
Your trap, enclosure
Pulls you down
Into the dark
The dark and gray
Of him, the gray that’s him,
The air, the everywhere is him
And there is no escape.

Let me tell you of all of the things that I’ve learned.
Some of them might seem a little absurd.
But I’ve been a crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy lady,
For all of my life.

And so I’ll stand by you
Stand by you,
And all that you’ll ever do
Stand by you
I’ll stand by you,
I’ll stand by you,
I’ll stand by you.

--Late Fall, 2004

All I crave is gone
If only for a moment.
The world comes crashing down
And doesn’t make a sound.
It halts to a silence, as I sit here waiting
In frustration for something to come.
The truth
The truth is the only one.
I don’t know.
I don’t know anything,
I don’t know a single thing.
Can’t see past what I see with my eyes,
It’s not true, yet not lies.
There are no words to describe,
No descriptions to remember,
No memories to connect,
No connections to feel
In terms of this “real.”

Oh heaven sent,
The earth is bound,
Drawn up by liquid hands,
Caught up in sound
So mundane, vile; I greet,
A pool of blood lies at my feet.

Oh someone look;
The world has bled,
Another layer yet to shed.
A sword run through
The heart and spine,
Two different flowers yet entwine.

Upon my head
So be the grief.
The failure covers like a sheath.
The holes to run through
Have been blocked;
The golden gates have all been locked.

So tell the villain
In thy sleep
To wrestle with the mind so deep.
Plunge into rivers,
There abound,
The endless notes
Of silent sound.

The wasted tear
Has entered in;
The world must crawl out of its skin.
The light shed from
A millionth sun;
To each his own
And one by one.


2004-07-28

I’m never gonna get it
I’m never gonna have it come my way.
It’s never gonna reach me
‘Cause I keep thinking ‘bout it every day.

I glance at them all the time, and
Sometimes I’ll see them looking back at me.
And I’ll be happy…
Until the next day comes empty.

And jealousy, it clings to me
‘Cause I just wish that I could be
Everybody’s innermost desire.

Innermost desire,
‘Cause it takes me that much higher.

Innermost desire,
It seems so far away.


It’s not real love, I know, and
I wish that I could show that
I’m not letting it take control of me.

But it sits there in the throne of my mind,
I tell myself all the time
I don’t need it, but it makes me so happy.

Innermost desire,
It takes control of me.

I know attraction’s just a fling,
I tell myself it’s worth nothing,
But I crave it like an animal each day.

With innermost desire,
To myself I am a liar.

Innermost desire,
How did you get instilled in me?


When you come to me in surplus
I fly so high on clouds of fantasy.
The attention that I crave so much,
It’s all the energy I’ll ever need.

My hopes reach past the sky, and,
I feed off all the looks you’re throwing me.
So the ones I’m looking out for,
Today, just please come through for me.

And then my hopes come crashing down,
You didn’t even turn around
Or tilt your head to get a look at me.

You’re my innermost desire
And I’m just the roller coaster rider.

Each day, oh innermost desire,
My happiness depends on thee.


I really have no preference
In my attachment to an essence.
I could switch them up, it’d still all be the same.

First they look at me with adoration,
Then they don’t even face my direction;
I’m so confused, no clue what they feel for me.

But deep down, innermost desire,
I love the way you torment me.

The only thing ‘bout which I really care,
My world revolves around their stares;
A hilarious and worthless enterprise.

A tiny, childish-looking girl
Thinking she’s the center of their world;
Humiliating when I see it from their eyes.

This monster craves attention on demand,
Yet to them I’m but a grain of sand,
It’s the only part of me that’s real, behind my lies.

Innermost desire,
Oh what you burn with all your fire.

Innermost desire,
Why do you take me so much higher?

Innermost desire,
You’ve taken complete control of me.

Innermost desire,
How can you leave me if I don’t want to be free?

09-07-2004

All I see is clouds passing by,
Across a distant sky;
It’s hard to breathe
From inside a cocoon.
I swear I’ve never come out of the womb,
Trapped in a circular room,
And I can’t see.

I look into your face by the light
And what a beautiful sight
It seems to be.

Oh, but I could’ve changed it
As much as I could’ve escaped it.
And I can’t escape it for my life.

Because everything I perceive is a dream
And in reality, it’s hard to see.
All these intricate shapes are just a mass of blurred arrows to me,
Leading off differently
But meeting here.  
September 5, 2004

Fragment, unnamed

Oh I know,
And I know,
And I know,
And I know,
What is per-
-fectly clear,
What’s for show,
How it’s near.
And I know,
As I sit, as I wait for –
Oh where is my life!?
And inside, you could find,
All you needed to know.

                                                               ­                             June 30, 2004