You're older than you've ever been
But you'll never be this young again
Who gives a ****, all mirrors ****
You're riding high
Your life was made for music
and you know what you're doing
Rev the crowd, let's get loud
While we're alive

Music Man
the hourglass keeps losing sand
and the less there is, the heavier the load
Music Man
the magic music from your hands
takes the heart of lead and turns it into gold

Old routines for brand new shows
Stage man says its time to go
Pour a cup, then drink it up
and grab your hat
Crowd is strapped in for the ride
You're breaking through to the other side
Time has come, we hear the drum
No turning back

Music Man
through dark times and troubled lands
all that you create lights the way back home
Music Man
We all hope you understand
in the roughest waves, you are an anchor stone

So play on, play on!
Make it loud, keep it strong.
Music Man, strike up the band.
We'll sing along.

Tales of silence
and darkest dread
on a loop I can't ignore -
mind full of regret.

I should have, I can't
I shouldn't have, I did
I will, I don't

The core malfunctions,
overheating in the cold;
it's strange, and the birds still laugh.

Holding strong until complete collapse
is stupid and unavoidable.

Attend the sirens as they wail for a stranger
and feel pity and know
they will soon scream
much closer to home,
the *******.

Flesh is outgrown and shed;
it must be the husk
which lies brittle in my throat
and scratches tears from my eyes.

**** the impossible future and
its surely sour grapes.

It's all built in.
Hearts are just parts,
   just unfair parts
   and we hurt with them.
The world is a monster
   It's a monster mother,
   abusively apathetic.
Who cares when you cry?
Who really cares?
   Some do, and keep these.
   Some don't, and know the difference.
Brandish a sword or words -
   it doesn't matter,
   but use your choice wisely
   because either can end a life.
The higher your climb is,
   the longer your fall will be.
   And we all fall.

Piano light, piano bright,
play me into sleep tonight.
Music soft and sadly right,
speak my prayer and give it flight.

No angel yet, no deity
has offered help to comfort me.
Though I try, and though I plea,
I find naught, but misery.

So, piano, strong and true,
I ask only this of you:
if you can, and if you do,
make it sound like it's from you.

Press the button
and
silence the noise that woke you
and
draw a breath
and
think on things soon forgotten
and
wait to hear the door close
and
know that you're alone
and
reach under your pillow
and
retrieve what disturbed your sleep
and
what will soon end your nightmare
and
say a silent prayer
and
hope that God is there
and
that he will forgive this
and
draw a breath
and
silence the noise in your head
and
press -

i visited you on a Saturday
and i didn't know
       what to expect.
you wore a blue sundress
that afternoon,
and we stepped into the shade
of a weeping willow.

we laid and talked,
                    only talked and held hands.
after a while we walked back to
  where you sleep
                    and  talked again.
we talked and then
my love for you grew
  as a young man's love will naturally grow
when he is in the arms of his love,
  when he is in the arms of love.
                   we kissed
and such a sweetness i found!

a sweetness as only young ones know when
  tasting love for the first time came from
                     your mouth!
my God! your mouth...

and then we fell,
                     both of us this time,
  fell into something we did not understand,

                     but knew just the same!
we had been waiting,
                     one for the other...
to be complete
  we gave in to what we could only feel.

nothing we could see or had heard of could have

                     helped us learn this bravery
  against youth.

and so we fell,      
                     blindly, expectantly,
knowing only that
  my shadow, my highest,
                     my heartbeat

would always be yours:
  my first, my all-time, my yellow;
                     walk with me again...

Litanies
Semantics
Diatribes
Lasting
Singular
Deficiencies
Latent­
Surrogate
Devils
Listen
Silently
Disturbed
Leap see dream

"It's just so hard to live with someone who is
        so ******* miserable
        all the ******* time."
"He's always been such a frustratingly
        depressing guy."
"I don't like you."
"You do nothing. You're useless."
"What do you mean, you feel like a failure?
        Never mind. I don't want to talk
        about that."
"You've got so much potential."
"Well, you're a ray of ******* sunshine."
"Have you tried being happy?"
"You're giving off vibes of tension and
        frustration."
"The kids are scared of you."
"Jesus! What are you so sad about?!"

They're not wrong.
Eggshells,
        eggshells,
                step gently around Joe.
I don't bring joy,
    and I don't get more likeable.
I am miserable.
        I just wish I didn't bring others
                down with me.

No, they're not wrong,
but I really wish they were.

I probably will not make
  even a small difference
and that's okay, I'm sure.
The odds are against me doing great
   or even sorta good things
for this world with which
       I'm so dissatisfied.
I think I'm too ******* lazy.
Or my concern is not serious enough.
I want good and better and best
but I'm none of those.
I watched a beetle on a burning board
and by the time I realized he wouldn't make it to safety, it was too late for me to help.
I should've helped.

There was a light,
shining on the ground,
just up the road a piece,
but there was a tree
a little bit closer.
The tree moved
so that I thought
someone was walking to me
and I was thrilled
and irritated
and I smiled because
I wouldn't be alone.
I didn't want to be alone,
but a person would
want to talk.
I didn't want to be alone -
I wanted to be  left alone.
I needed another sobbing heart,
a different unnecessary mind,
to be there,
but only to be there.
There's a medicine in
just being with a person,
and I smiled.
Irritated, I smiled,
but there was no one;
no one was walking
toward me or away.
So I thumbed my nose
and spat at the breeze
for having let myself be fooled.

Welcome to my epilogue.
It's almost finished,
and I thank you for your attention so far.
I know it's been difficult at times to
watch this mess I am,
this mess I've made of myself,
so I thank you for your patience so far.
I hope you've been adequately entertained;
I hope you've smiled with me some.
That is, I hope you've smiled genuinely.
You see, mine has always been an act.
The burden of keeping it up has
become too great and I am weary.
The curtain is closing.
This is nothing
for you to be sad about.
Some of us don't have it in us
to attain peace, to obtain a true smile.
That's okay, though, isn't it?
Life isn't for everyone and
no one knows what's next, if anything,
so don't be sad.
It just is what it is.
We just are until we aren't.
I now better understand that
careless creature.
So, ladies and gentlemen and otherwise,
drive safely, tip the bartender well,
and live until you can't.

HELP, I woke up.
                           Again.

Every day it's more disappointing to do.

Pessimism and a general
lack
of


motivation

               for breakfast, then on to
the fun stuff:


          self-DOUBT
                  self-LOATHING
   ­       self-ABSORPTION
           SELFFULFILLINGPROPHECIES

and i can't change. or i won't.
     ¿and is there any difference or hope?

your eyes and their laughter lines,
   your hair and your familiar frame,
      your bare feet and clean teeth,
         the warmth from our shared time.
the miracles made into memories,
   the wonders into wishes,
      the triumphs into tragedies,
         your patience with my pretending.
untouched i longed to be untethered,
   but too long in the mire to change.
      how long will you wait
         for my hands to be your hands?
a song in a dream and awake we're apart,
   my fear my fault and my freedom my fear.
      you may not want me anymore,
         for i am ragged.

When it all goes sour
in the blink of an eye
and you find yourself faltering
with no time to try
to make up for the wrongs
you didn't know you were committing

The last door to your dreams
is barely ajar
and every single step creates
a brand new scar
but keep your head up
and don't you ever think of quitting

Because there's lots of time
and the world is wide
enough for you to be who you are
for you to be free
No need to run
there's no cause to hide
away the simple joys in your heart
that help you breathe
Just be

Can't get it right the first try
every time
Sometimes you'll have to eat
on someone else's dime
But remember all the favors
and then try to pay them forward

Sometimes everybody needs
a little help
and in these moments we should rise
above ourselves
and look out for the ones whose lives have really got them cornered

By their very nature
mistakes are forgivable
Just try your best to learn and move on
Ignore all of the haters
Embrace the inexplicable
Give your best to get what you want

I used to be okay
at least I think I was
I know I'm not the same
but have I changed too much
Am I too big a burden
now for you to hold
Too heavy and too worried
gotta let me go
So you can breathe again
So you can finally stand

You've done more than you had to
You've tried to make me good
You say that you are glad to
And even though I know you would
You've gotta look toward your future
and you'll see that I'm not there
I'll be in your rearview mirror
and you ought to leave me there

An anchor in the worst way
I will drag you down
If you decide to stay
then you will surely drown
Release yourself from me
to go and find the sun
I know it won't be easy
but it must be done
So you can breathe again
So you can finally stand

You've done more than you had to
You've tried to make me good
You say that you are glad to
And even though I know you would
You've gotta look toward your future
and you'll see that I'm not there
I'll be in your rearview mirror
and you ought to leave me there

I know it's wrong and I know I'm weak
but I won't be the one to leave
Please go breathe again
Please just make your stand

Some nights my mind is restless
and I'll wake up feeling drained.
Although I hate it when this happens,
last night I dreamt of you again.
I know it's pointless to linger on
what was and might have been.
Our time was just a winter sun -
golden sweet and sure to end.

How are dreams so accurate?
It's wild, how true they capture it -
this little thing that eats at me,
my constant, secret shame.
If our deeds are louder than our words,
and words just serve to reaffirm,
then, on my life, I don't know why
all I can hear today
are the words you wouldn't say.

Remember how we used to drive
down quiet, lonesome roads
because we only felt the world was right
when we were free and all alone?
Choked off behind your perfect lips,
but suggested by your laugh,
was an answer you would never give
to something I would never ask.

It was subtle, only hinted at,
that thing that burned us both.
But in the air between us sat
the truth I needed most.
They never came, I never heard
those simple, insufficient words.
And still today I feel the weight
of what you'd never say.

We're fine, really.
But there is a reason to how our
belongings are all laid out once
we've gone to bed.

You're coming closer, almost creeping.
Such sultry motion, I'm barely breathing.
Watching you watching my reaction -
entranced, you vision, there is no distraction.
Zipper down, strap falls off your shoulder,
showing the freckle I'll bite as you get bolder.

With candles alight
and our bodies burning, too,
we're moving through the midnight -
discover me, discover you.
Small firelight dances
as we lock into a groove.
The river of passion advances,
and hungry eyes say you approve.

The sheets are twisted, then they're gone.
Our hearts beating rhythm to our song.
Panting, daring, your wildness is contagious.
At once, our hands are timid and courageous.
Sheens of sweat and bathed in glory,
let there be no ending to this story.

With candles alight
and our bodies burning, too,
we're moving, through the midnight -
discover me, discover you.
Small firelight dances
as we lock into a groove.
The river of passion advances,
and hungry eyes say you approve.

Lost, I'm lost, I'm lost in you.
Falling and falling, I've fallen for you.

rusted child, move again
burn old bridges, eat the wind
find the stolen, take it back
live and learn through love and lack
ride on high, you rusted one
find your talent, unload your gun
life is canvas, future blank
past is the past, yes, it's an empty tank

don't let your body fool your mind
don't let your body fool your mind
don't go picking at the scabs
of loves that didn't last
don't let your body fool your mind

uncork the time and let it fly
young and old will always die
blisters open, raw and hot
be the blister, be the rot
then be the ointment, cool and soft
be the one who's held aloft
stroke no egos, own your shame
say "I'm coming" and not "I came"

don't let your body fool your mind
don't let your body fool your mind
foot down on the gas
it's time to make some tracks
don't let your body fool your mind

don't let your body fool your mind
don't let your body fool your mind
life is in the gaps
between good times and bad
don't let your body fool your mind

feel the empty, fill the fools
it's your turn, go break some rules
grab a beer and oil your wings
aim for the sun and all it brings

Try to focus
     on us, lady;
time's been slipping
     sideways, crazy.
It's been too long
     now since your head
graced the pillow
     on my old bed.
It waits for you.
     So I wait, too,
under the tree.
     You remember,
don't you, darling,
     the willow tree
where you and I
     learned how to fly?
Fly back to me,
     and bring your song.

Shake off the yokes
that bring you to your knees
Find yourself a spark
and give it gasoline
Burn it up, burn it up
Burn it down, burn it down

Show us the face
you've hidden away so long
Smiling or not
your true face can't be wrong
Brighten up, brighten up
Bring us down, bring us down

Loved ones wilt
Friends and parents die
Soak up the love
and please don't blink your eyes
Soak it up, soak it up
Lay them down, lay them down

Candle guttered
and it's getting mighty cold
No turning around
when it's your time to go
Light it up, light it up
Fall on down, fall on down
Fall on down, fall on down
Fall on down, fall on down

walk to me again. walk in the way you once walked:
      smiling and freely to the tree where

                  we found love.

talk to me again, talk and
      let my already smiling heart smile more,
   living in you.
          
dance with me again. dance and sing;
                  your twirling and gorgeous lines
      
                
   steal my breath and your sound is
                  what makes me brave.
absorb me again:
                  nothing knows my body the way you do:
          
        
       neither the deepest pain nor the
                  purest joy nor myself can claim they know me;
   only you.


                  There is only ever you and your ocean eyes.

how do you stay
warm
                              when the cold comes
             not from the winter
but
         from inside?

Belated but sincere,
   that's me to a T -
almost enough,
   but it was too late,
   just another dose of slightly less
   than effective misery.
Your eyes and your ears
   see and hear differently
   than most of the others who
   have spent time with me.
Don't you have anything
   better to do
   than hold on to a hopeless man
   who's in love with you?

Take another swing at me.
It's okay; I know I'm deserving.
This is such a worn out story,
and even though
we're on different pages,
we both know the ending.
I'm tired of having memories
of what it's like to smile.
I used to be okay with me.
What changed me?
Who changed me and why?

There's got to be hope for tomorrow.
There's got to be a way
to make my dreams come true.
You make me feel so far beneath you.
I'm at my loneliest
whenever I'm with you.

Please know it's not your fault.
I've been this way since years
before I met you.
Has it really been that long?
Has it really been only years?
Sometimes it feels like lifetimes
and I curse each one I've lived through.
I'm so ******* sorry
that this is all that I turned out to be.

And now what?
(now nothing)
Self-saboteur,
unhappy with being only unhappy,
will you not stop
until you are completely miserable?
(i do not deserve happiness)
Will you continue until
nothing is good and
your company is avoided?
(i do not deserve goodness or friends)
Why do you so strangely insist
on thwarting contentment?
(i do not deserve to be unbroken)
Why will you not love you?
(i am unlovable)
But we care, we do care.
(then you are wrong)
We want to see you smile.
(only poison comes from my mouth)
We want to see you happy.
(you are not listening)

Mirrors are not the worst, but I sure don't like them, though I like them more than what they show me.

I look into one,
afraid and armed only with
determined resignation.
I'm finally feeling old, and it's a lonely thing.
I'm tired of outliving friends. I'm tired of losing.

So much time I've wasted. So much pain I've caused. My sore back is not the only reason I slump.
I ignore my own advice, though I think it's good advice.

My heart is rough and there appears no fair way to stay on course. I disguise my overuse of metaphors and think myself clever.

But I'm still breathing and
my family loves me.

With so many things so broken,
so many hearts upon the fire;
When our world seems irredeemable
and my hope hangs by a wire;
when the dirtiness and darkness
are etched into my face
there's a brightness that comes shining through
to guide me from this place.   

And that light comes from your eyes.
I know it shouldn't be surprising
how effectively your faith in me
can make me want to try.
Oh, how beautiful, your eyes!
They see through my disguises.
They break my walls and give me pause.
And I no longer want to die.

While I try to dodge my worries
and forget that I'm alive,
I know that you will call me out,
won't let me die inside.
When I dwell on my forgotten
dreams and hope gone cold,
There's a brightness that comes shining through
to make me feel like gold.

It's a punch to the gut
every time I think of
never hearing you again.
Knowing you're no more
makes me wonder what it's for.
And *******, but these words are thin.
Nothing I can say
could ever take away
the pain that keeps my heart so weak.
So often you were broken.
So much I've left unspoken.
More time to find the words is all I seek.

It's a torture, the not knowing.
The train of sadness never slowing,
it rumbles through my every thought.
Break the rails to pieces
and let the train fall in the creases.
Maybe then it'll finally be forever caught.
I can't ******* stand it!
I feel so ******* stranded,
deserted in my slow but sure decay.
The mountains lost their wonder,
the sun's begun to gutter,
and I don't know how much longer I can stay.