I Love You.
Why Don't You Believe Me?
I Care Alot About You.
Why Do You Say i Don't?
My Life Revovles Around Your Existence.
You Tell Me You
Don't Feel Loved
You Tell Me You Feel Unwanted
You Tell Me i Don't Spend Enough Time With You.
Why iS This Baby?
I Dedicate All My Time To You!
Even in My Mind
I Think About You All Day All Night
I Drive My Self Crazy
Im Crazy About You.
Ugh i love You So ****** much.

I Don’t Believe You.
When You say I’m The Only one.
Stop lying to me.
A light pretty Face with Big ******* are guaranteed to prove your own self wrong.
Just speaking and thinking about this topic has me urging for a fix.

I’m scared
Of never finding hope
To believe my life has no worth
To never finding a light
To get lost in the
Darkness of my depression.
Im Scared
To never feel true happiness
To believe I have
No purpose in life.
To see I really don’t matter ..
I’m scared to prove
Myself right.
To really never start a life.
I’m scared to
Then lose my self again
To lonely nights with toxic touches

My Sobriety Matters.
Its time to make change.
I can no longer keep around things
that trigger me to fall down.
I can No longer hold on to memories
that torment my mind daily,

I need to be clean.
Recovery means everything to me.
to be Drug free is my life time wish.
i want to begin a life.
one where drugs would never be an option
Where drugs won’t be the first thing I run to when I’m struggling

Look at me.
Dead in my eyes .
Can you see I’m ready to die?
How many times
Must I repeat
I hate my self
Hate my life
I’m ready.
Grim reaper
Please come take me.

I'm letting You know now.
I'm Losing my strength.
I'm losing my will And Power To stay strong and remain sober.
I feel like I can't Do it anymore.
I just want to go back to my old ways. I Want To feel numb and not ever feel any type of hurt again.
Why Do drugs have to be dangerous.

All I Want is to Succeed.
Not in my education
In building a career
Owning a car & living in rich hills.
All I Want is to succeed .
My Plans for the future
Are not Living lavishly
But to succeed
In Overcoming my fears.
Stepping out of depression
Stepping out of my addiction
Stepping out of my relationship .
I want to succeed to move on
From the past. & my present .
That is my goal
To move on from unhappiness
To leave it all.
Start fresh With nothing that will press me down .
I love sleeping now
To dream of a life
That can’t happen now
The one I love
Just won’t be the one
I thought I’d live long with .
It hurts , but I’ve been hurt .
Tears have runned down
More frequently.
I’m tired
Of constantly hating
I want to be restarted
Refreshed
I want to get away from my pain
That’s roaming in my veins
The Hurt he’s caused
The memories he’s Scarred
I want a new life style

Why do I go back.
Obsess over a sack.
Why must I Go back.
Relapse on Pieces Of Glass.
It’s a Shame That I lure in.
I hate, but I can’t leave it alone .
I don’t want it , yet I’m out finding .
Please hold me.
I’m Scared, Stay please.
Pray for my sanity.
I’m far from perfect, that’s certain.
I have no hope, I want to find it.
Before it’s to late.
When Tweaks In me
I see things differently.
I’m not myself, I’m nobody
When crystal reaches my blood stream , all I see are reasons to keep on using.
When I think of sadness
I crave a fix.
I fein To not have feelings towards it
In my real mind.
I scream & cry.
I yell till my lungs tear out.
I shout for savor
A miracle to change me.
A geni To grant me a wish
The serenity to Help me reach the end of my disease

My 18th Birthday Is Coming up
Im Nervous, I Feel Tense While writing this
Will I Continue On Another cycle
Or will i Be strong & Remain keeping count
on my Soberiety days.
Will i Hold back and say no
to the drug..
or will i give in like i did when i turned 14 15 16 17
on the low as the night ends slow
will i resist the urge and stay clean or do it
all over again.
So much to think, the days getting closer..

One gram, 1 day.
Need to slow down,
line after line.
what exactly am I trying to feel?
obsessing over chopping till fine dust.
spending all the time emptying
out more & more.
trying to feel something.

This isn't my Poison.
Its a replacement,,
subtitiuting my cravings.
Overdose is posible with anything.
am I over doing it?

trying to feel something.
can't tingle ****.
it's upsetting.
I hate it
though here I am..

One day.
She Will Wake Up.
Rise From darkness .
Awaken from depression.
One day.
She will realize
That there is a happy life awaiting for her outside.
One day
She will see the truth.
She will understand what loves supposed to reallly stand .
One day
She will care about herself.
Her life & motives.
One day
She will wake up.
With an empty heart.
Ready for a new start .
One day
She will realize
It’s time to let go.
With her head held up
She’ll move on.
To something better.
She deserves the world

Hell Yeah!
i Feel Like How Im supposed to be.
On this fascinating Level You Will never get to feel or see
unless youve read the outcome
unless you are a daredevil like me.
So Sensational And Powerful
I love this tweak
Its So Sad That im high
& After so much help givin
im still doing it.
But look it weakens me
when i feel alone and down
i begin to reminisce about it when im feeling negative
Then Thoughts of using rush right in
i Get the urge and feel temptation rise
then begin to fein
many thoughts of getting lit start racing in
my mind.

Another Year ive Begun
Everyone thought i was clean but that same
31st eve, i was strung on
methamphetamine
I know i know Im the one continuing on
but temptation hit hard
i just felt the need to celebrate
and feel differnt , i was feining and
went to go seek it..

january
110
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recover
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,

---

1218
I need something
Right now.
I don’t need anything
But I crave for a runaway
To run right tf now
I don’t need , I want
What I want are terrible things x
Fixtures to a faster end
I’m tired , I’m so so tired
This ****** life I cycle

-----

Untitled
I’m proud of you
For all you’ve reached & conquered
I’m so proud of you
For the person you’ve become
I remember the first time I seen your face so enlightened.
It was the day you Got your first job
Oh did you forget?
Who listened to your Pain
The days you’d come home angry
Feel so upset & self hate .
Believed you were worthless

---
march 2017

I’ve Relapsed Before.
These feelings are different though.
Been relapsing Frequently.
Not Once or Twice.
Full binge tweaking.

I don’t know anymore.
I’ve gone to far
Idk where I stand
I feel I’m going soon
Where to ?
My familiar home.

---
jun 23

Shut up
Yeah it don’t matter
To me like before.
Yes yes whatever you say ,
Of course because of me.
All my fault
I’m to blame
I’m to be hated .
Oh yeah darling I don’t care.
Uhuh sure believe I
never loved you.
Go on keep telling me how much more I prefer drugs .
Yup yup
What else?
Ohh more insults ok
Yeah continue on
Ok ok & ok.

---

it hurts
The pain is too much.
These drugs aren’t enough
To numb them completely.
It’s tough , I need something
Real Fuckinn rough
To relieve me
From my broken heart
..

I’ve fallen to my knees
When I cry
I look up at the sky
Begging god
To please Help me see
Clearity and the path
To the life I deserve.
One Filled with happiness
Laughter, Comfort , Love .
Dk idk

---

-
All I wanted was to be & feel
So loved By him.
Did everything i could ..
Forgave him many times for things I shouldn’t have but I gave him many chances because I couldn’t see my self ever hating him .
I love him so much despite everything.
My tears won’t stop Dropping .
I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying
This hurts so much
I’m truly broken
Idk how to explain how deep my pain currently is.


==

August

My journey To recovery,
Has been extremely devastating.
Ive been walking alone.
Doing this all on my own.
No one to grab
no one to hold.

The Clocks ticking
How much longer will i hold?
Looking around, im lonely.
Im Pushing forward
Solo
Its going to hit me soon
Turning my head to see the one w
I

NOTHING...
September 2017
What can I say .
Im Heart broken, I Relapsed & I'm Lonely Again.
It's interesting, I was Feeling These emotions from the start.
Nothing's changed
Besides my heart, it got torn apart.
It's official Dead.
I Will feel love for no one .
What a shame .
Now It's The drugs I Will consume  To fill in All my empty spots.
Funny how people feel dissapointed .
they become angry at me .
Saying how could I go back to this.
It's Wrong &

-----

Im on a soft spin
Momma I let the devil in.
Mother Mary pray for me,
don't let Luther win.
its a substance I replace,
to get some feelings to swim.
in my veins to my brains
I love the way he sings.
I fell again but not low, I'm able to swim.

Whats there to loose
when ive lost it all?
Its not the same anymore.
everything is about to fall.
No one hears me cry
im hurting deep inside
The only thing thts helping me cope is this wonderful dope
The feeling of being numb just calms me dwn actin dumb
No one cant replace her ima love her forever
Im just sick of being mistreated
Im constantly hurting
Its not good but i got a couple of grudges im still holding
Is this how im suppose to
live my life
I fall asleep with tears in my eyes
I hate having withdrawals its a constant reminder im still alive

Hey, I'm Back Again.
I'm Sober... Off My Main Substance. I haven't seen my doctor Since "October" 2016

I Found Evidence.
Proof That it's Not me Doing This purposely.  
Evil does Exists.
I believe People Have 3 Sides.
Good, Bad, Undecided.
I believe These Sides Have the ability to Turn You Into Someone Els Without You Noticing.
I Also Believe "An Addict"
"A ******" "a non believer" And "A religious Person" Are Something Aside The real life You.
It's Another Mind Placed By What ever Higher power.
I have 2 Life's in Me.
Real Me & Addict Me.
They Both Have a real Life.
They can Feel, Think & Decide.
Can Move, Control And Have A voice of Their own.

I’m tearing
My self apart.
There is no one to blame.
I am the reason why.
I am why I hate & cry.
I’m making my life miserable.
Everything is possible.
I keep on seeing everything
Down & impossible.
I hate that I’m negative.
Hate that I have potential but just don’t believe in myself.

This is the year.
That will determine my fate.
Either I get it together
Or
Await a death date.
It’s been too long.
To still debate
Strive for heaven
Or
Hells gates.
No more chances .
Acceptions or excuses.
I know all consecuences

The last candle got blown.
Our “Always & forever”
Burned into ashes.
Blew away
There is Nomore forever lasting.
I’m saddened.
I’ve known for years
This relationship wasn’t going to ever function.
All it did was break me more.
Many tears are falling.
I am hopeless romantic.

Ive Been sober for a while again
i hope this time i go far with it & sustain
Im Proud of my self
every day counts and should be applaud for
It Upsets me
Mostly everyone dosnt seem to really care
to them its nothing, they dont want days they want years
its a struggle every second they dont see thats a slow process.
i feel all there looking at
is towards a day i cause another relapse
there not hopeful anymore
there now doubtful at my every move
just waiting till i fail
i wish they were positve at my nice sober trail.

Minds spinning
Mouth can’t say nothing.
Heads flooded
I can’t type anything .

Physically And chemically Addicted is One thing.
Being mentally Addicted
Is Another.
I'm A Smart Girl.
Unfortunally I'm clever For what's opposite of Good.
I've been Addicted Chemically.
So Hooked I felt I Needed to Get High To continue Breathing.
I needed A fix everyday To function in life.
I've been addicticted Emotionally.
Every time I Felt Some sort of sadness. I needed to Take
A hit or do A line.
I didn't want to deal with my problems or feel Upsetting emotions.
Ive been Addicted Physically.
I Was Inlove With the routine of Fixing A Line. I Was obsessed With Packing, lighting , Melting and hitting the pookie. It all amazed me and I was stuck on The routine.
Im Currently Addicted mentally.
I consider this To Be
the worsest thing.
You see I've been Sober.
My minds constantly Reminding It's self About the good times.
I'm Always Coming across Things that Remind me of getting high.
When I'm Unhappy, Thinking of dope gets me happy.
It's insane.
To Conpletly Stop This horrific cycle I must Work On Forgetting About It .
Need to learn not to reminisce.

I've Relapsed.
All due To my mentality.
It's clever ways Have made its sources To my Brain.
It Plans Scenerios Before it Plays

Im Honest About Everything
Except My Sobriety.
The Days i've Been Sober
And if i've Used.
I Have A Problem
I Have A Drug Addiction.
I Don't Consider My Dishonesty
As General Lieing.
I See it More As A Ly
I Dislike How He Always Tends
To Bring Up My Past mistakes
By Saying I lied about Not Using
To Were i Catch Him in A Lie
By Saying He Lied About Being At The Store When he was with his homies.
I Dislike How He Always Uses My Drug Abuse Situations
To Situations That Don't Even Connect.
For Example
He Tells Me I Cheat On Him By Using
To Were i Feel
Hes Purposely Going To cheat on me But with an actual Human being.
I Dislike Him Comparing
Chemicals To A Real life person
Saying its The Same.
When There Completely Different
You Cant Touch Chemicals
Bond with chemicals, Have intimacy With it.
Like You Can
With A Living Person.

Thats it.
Enough of the tears & ****.
I’ve Seen enough.
He’s put me through
too ****** much.
It’s Clear He
DOESNT VALUE ME at all!
He NEVER Changes
He will NEVER CHANGE
I’ve given him 5 years
To Still Be put through ******* every month ?
I can’t change him.
So it’s Time for me to change.
Showing him love has done nothing But hurt me.
I’ve done everything
& I’m still faulted for **** ?!
Im Innocent & Nothing will change him from doubting it ?
Im tired of Being  accused
No matter what I do
He’ll only believe if he wants Too.

Find it gross that I've abused drugs? I find it disgusting That you play with girls hearts.
I don't care if it's a turn off.
I'm not trying to impress anyone but make my own self feel better.
In A Stage where all
Bad Doesn't exist
My life is all rotten so I feel nothing.
Which is good
Nobody wants me anyways.
I have no life , body or Pretty.

I’m not sure where I am.
Its all confusing,
So much is getting out of hand.
My thoughts , My feelings
My choices & Wants.
The actions I’ve taken  
Are Not connecting
Everything’s mixed up .

My minds in circles .
Its spinning
So so very fast .
Tugging from good to bad.
I feel so odd
Things feel so off .
I can’t make sense of
what’s going on.

As the days go by
I feel I’m losing conscious .
I grow confused more & more.
I find myself staring out into nothing.
I’m feeling empty but I can’t seem to go & Change myself from sad to happy.

I don’t know what’s going on
I dk what’s wrong
What is my purpose?
What am I supposed to be doing

Am I Fine.
Will I not rack a line.
Never touch a Rock in my life.

Am I Good.
Will I not Use again .
Will temptations not be seen as threats ?
Can I handle.
My urges to not Tweak again.
Will my triggers Be nothing to worry about?

Will I never feel tempted.
Have I finally over come every Obstacle of addiction?

I’m sorry.
I’ve worsen , I’m stuck once again.
This time it will be harder .
I’m a recovering addict
Stuck in a constant relapse Cycle.
What must I do
Should I sit & wait
On my next down fall ..

I’m not happy.
Neither are you.
Don’t lie & say you love me.
I don’t feel it’s true .
Just like you don’t
believe me either
When I say All I Want is you.

All I Want is to
Connect , Interact
Enjoy each other’s company .
All you want is
Intamcy , Seduction
Enjoy Eachothers body.

Im Feeling lonely.
I’m wanting outings & activities.
Your feeling Irritated.
You want Time apart & have fun with Friends instead.

I show interest & listen
When you talk.
I enjoy hearing your voice.
I giggle or laugh .
You show annoyance.
You show no interest .
When I tell you about things ..
My topics are unimportant .

My company does not
Please You.
You complain about
my every move.
My presence no longer enlightens
Your day like it once did ..

It’s easy to

Late night Walking.
My Bfs Out Drinking
& were both arguing.
All Black Chevy,
Cruising Down The City Lights.
Memories of Getting High
Swipe by My Mind .
Homies Spitting Raps To
The Beat That's Bumping.
Its Been So long since I Kicked Back,
But is this right ?
An old clique ?
A Bad Crowd That Can Make My life go downer Than what it is.
Why'd I Hop in ?
My emotions
were getting the best of me
so I gave in to spend a good time
just how my baby is somewhere out there in the streets.
Drinking His Treat.
To Forget All his problems and ******* with his friends.
I've Been Dealing With All this nonsense sober lately .
No surrounding Changes.
Whether I'm clean or ***** everything flows the same.
It Took A Second
Now I'm Back Were I Belong,
its The Drugs That make me crave so hard. My loneliness enables to it.
Here I Am, Relapsing.
Once The Homie Pulled Out the sack,
I Got A Bit Of Fat rocks then crushed. Rolled and snorted Up.
Now I'm High, I'm on one.
Temptation Blinded Me.
There was no positivity in my brain to have stopped me.
I Was Just So Fed Up with all my mistakes and **** ups.
I Couldn't Think Of My Boyfriends Disappointment because he was already disappointing Me?
I Usually Feel Bad About This, I still do. Just not as much.
I dont know, my minds just unwind & lose

I Failed Again
Lacked Success &
Collapsed once again.
Im Seen As A Failure Now.
Seen As A Lieing Worthless Shadow
Rubbed in my face
Of how i keep making the same mistake
How supposedly all i care about is being on drugs
That thats my only intrest being high.
Makes Me Sad To Know The Stuff People think about me.
A Drug addict
Not knowing The Cause To My Use
The **** i Go through in my mind
How i function and all these difficulties.
The ******* reasons to my relapses!

Sorry Love ..

I Did It. I Used.
Why? Because of You.
I'm Hurting And Stressing.
My broken Heart Couldn't stay strong any longer.
Im Overwhelmed.
I'm Tired hearing "I'm Sorry." When You don't mean it and Do the same thing all over.
My affection and Love is fading.
I Can't Continue giving you my all.
When All You give me Is Betrayal.
The Decisions and actions You Chose Are The Reason To My **** Talking and ****** mood.
Should I Stay Or Leave You?
What Do I Win And What Do I lose.