His hand on my leg
On the back of my thigh
As I lay on my side

No
Please go
Bury the memory
Alongside all the others

He comes in my room
A place he shouldn't be
While I'm peacefully asleep

No
Please don't
But I've already forgotton
Because I didn't even know

He sneaks into the house
When he should be home at his own
Uninvited but unafraid

No
Please leave
Wake her up so she notices you
And makes you leave once more

But thing's don't happen the way I wish
So instead I'm here
In bed
Trying to sleep for a little
When I no longer can

So I wake up and remember
Just a little snippet
Of that night
And I know once I remember more
I'll lay on the floor as I whisper

No
Please
Don't

I wanna hurt myself
Worse then ever before
I wanna do it until
All I can see from my legs
Is the blood all over the floor

I wanna hurt myself
Worse then ever before
So that I can see the blood
That makes me feel calmer
Than anything more

Its pretty
Mesmorizing
And so easy to focus on

When the rest of the world feels
Ugly
Repulsing
And so hard to cope with

The way it feels is so nice
The way it flows is so soothing
The way it warms me up is so calming

Its warm and cozy
And makes me feel
Less lonely
And empty

No one understands it fully
Other than me
For I've never met another person
Who cuts for the purpose
Of seeing themselves bleed

Its concerning and dangerous
I know this
But its soothing
And freeing
So how bad can it be

Unfortunately I fear
That one day
No amount of blood
Will be enough

And on that day
I'll end up
With none
Left to bleed

If a circle had corners
Would the world
Make sense?

If the ocean was filled with sand
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could watch a wall
Warp and crumble
From just one touch
Would the world
Make sense?

If food made us hungry
Not full
Would the world
Make sense?

If being awake was a dream
Would the world
Make sense?

If I could be with you
And you with me
And live in safety
Would my world make sense?

Im never sure what to say to you
But I know that anything I say
Would be way too true

Lately I avoid my feelings
So when I remember the way
I felt
When you held me in your arms
I feel as though I have to flee
From that very thought

I know you haven't been the best
And I want to lay on your chest
And try to make you smile
Make you feel okay
Once in awhile

I'm sorry if you don't like this poem
But I want to share it with you
Make it more true
And have you know
That I care for you

I hope one day
I can see you again
And put a smile on your face
And maybe give you a hug
To make you feel loved

I lay awake because of you
Thinking of all the things i want to do

I want to sleep
I want to be able to be free
And leave my house
Without the thought
That you might be there
Lingering
As I stare
Frozen and incapable
Of repair

I reach up
Up above my head
Further than I could get
My whole body to go

I feel nothing
For there is nothing there

I'm surrounded by darkness
By cold
And by silence
Like drowning
In an ocean wave

I can breath
But when there is nothing
To breath for
Why would I want
To breath at all?

I can move
And stumble around
But I make no progress
And go nowhere
For every step
Just leaves more darkness behind
And even more infront
So why move at all?

So I may aswel sit
And think away
The never ending time
That has no light
To guide me through
To tell me how long I've been
Lost in this darkness

I cannot escape
And I cannot die
For when there's nothing around
You cannot do anything
But lay on the ground

But I begin to ponder
And I begin to wonder
Is there even a ground
Beneath my feet at all?

For all I know there isnt
For all I know I'm just falling
But when there's nothing around
And no light to be found
You begin to assume
That you just float

So until I find a light
To guide me through
The never ending nothing

I shall just float
I shall just think
I shall just lay down
And give in
To nothing

I have an obsession with
Black
White
Fuzzy
And playful
I have an obsession
With pandas

I have an obsession with
Melodies
Words
Lyrics
And flow
I have an obsession
With music

I have an obsession with
Paper
Pens
Meaning
And rhyme
I have an obsession
With poetry

I have an obsession with
Quirky
Wierd
Gay
And heart-felt
I have an obsession
With anime

I have an obsession with
Orange
Cuddly
Funny
And caring
I have an obsession
With auguste
And
His love

Age 5
Keeping it all to myself
Because I'm just a kid
I'm not old enough to know
Real pain

Age 8
Doing the same
As I hide away
Because I'm not old enough
To know real hardship

Age 9
Crying everyday
But I have nothing real
To cry over
As I'm too young to understand
Real issues

Age 10
Hiding the cuts and scrapes
Because I'm not old enough
To know how life really treats you

Age 12
Fading away
Locked up in a room
While I get told that I'm not old enough
For real issues

Age 13
No old enough to know
How bad ones body can really feel
Not old enough to really feel tired all the time
Not old enough

Age 16
Not old enough to know
The real struggles of an adult
Not old enough to know how hard money is to manage

Age 18
Its only been one year
Im not old enough to know
What its really like to be an adult
I'm not old enough to know true disability

Almost 20 now
Am I old enough yet?

I wanna fall asleep
On call
While I look at you
And remember everything you do

I wanna laugh with you
On call
While I smile at you
Remembering all the things
You make me feel

I wanna smile with you
On call
While I blush
Remembering all the things
You said

I wanna hold you
In person
Well I think of
The memories
That the scent of you brings

I wanna kiss you
In person
Well my mind fills with nothing
But the soothing sweetness
Of nothing

I wanna hold onto you
In person
As you pick me up
And remind me why
I never gave up on love

I dont wanna die
I just wanna know that I can
But I wont try

I'll take every word you speak
And I'll drown undearneath
What each word means

I'll cut til I bleed enough
That it's all I can see
And maybe get dizzy

I'll fantasize and research
Finding any possible way
That would for sure be permanent

I'll cut over top of veins
And relish the pain
As I think of him

I'll drown underneath a blanket
Of trauma
Broken dreams
And PTSD

I'll drown underneath every memory
Where someone
Hurt me

Oh what I wouldn’t give
To just live
And be
Ordinary

Mom is what you're called
Or should be atleast
But I have you named as Parasite
In my contacts
Because you leech my emotions
Out of my body

We have a relationship
I dont hate
And dont admire
But you as a person
I despise
When it comes to me

"Can you zip up my dress?"
Where were you when I needed you
To do the same?

"Please stop leaving messes everywhere"
Its just a wrapper or two
And I do my best to keep things clean
For you

"Somones coming by but I need to leave. Can u talk to them for me?"
Wheres the acknowledgment of my disabilities?
The inability to be in the presence of whome I don't know

"Can u adjust my bra straps for me?"
Where were you when mine were removed
Unconsensually
By many
By one who you supposedly loved
Very obviously above your love for me

"People dont think you should still be living with me"
"My boyfriend doesn't approve of us moving together"
"You need to do more if you're gonna still live with me"
"I shouldn't have to be home so often"
Do you tell them about my disabilities?
Or do you dismiss them verbally as you do internally?

You have no regard to my health or my safety
Until it potentially means losing me for good

You have no regards to my health or my safety
Until I have to help you emotionally

Reading in the night
With just a lil bit of light

I start to think
Is it really my that he likes?

Or is the person in the book
Who seems very much like me
Right?

Is she right when she wonders
If it's just who
He seemed to first be

Because things seem to be fading
Much more than growing
And that's not something I can bare

So tell me
Is it me you like?

Or did you like my first presence
That shone much more bright?

I long for a place that only exists in my dreams
I long for a feeling that only resides
In its depth of unreality
I long for a place that I can't reach
I long for a feeling that I can't breach
Full and utter peace

I’m falling
Not physically
But mentally

I know you want to catch me
I know you want to save me
But you can’t anymore

I have fallen too far
I have fallen
Past the ground
Past the clouds

Wait-
That’s up

I thought you said you were falling?
I am

I’m not falling down though
I’m falling up
Because I have fallen so far down
I have gone past the middle
And started falling up

Now
I am up
In space
And I can’t breath here

Physically I am still here
In my bed
At my house
With my dog

But mentally I’m in a void with just me
Nothing else
Just me and the darkness that holds me captive

Physically I can move
Mentally I’m stuck

Physically I can scream
But mentally I’m held back

Physically I can speak
But mentally all I can speak of
Is the easy
Never the true

Physically I’m alive
But mentally
I’m

LOST

As I sit here and watch you play
My heart plays
A tune of its own

My heart plays a tune
That rings out
I love you

My heart plays a tune
That says to
Stick around

My heart plays a tune
That hopefully
Means something to you

I'm scared
That something
May have happened
To you

So in my heart
And in my head
I cant stop wishing
And whispering
For you
To please
Say no

At this point
Even if
Its a lie
I'd rather you say no
Then have to live with knowing
That it happened

AGAIN

Because it seems as though
These things
Like to follow me
Wherever I go

So if I make myself look sick
Look hurt
Look unappealing
Will you leave me alone?
Will you leave me be?

I dont want to feel this way
So strongly again

So please
Say no

Theres something about you
Theres something there
That's just
Different

When you hugged me I felt like I was meant to be there
I felt like I belonged
Theres just something right about you

When you looked me in the eye I felt safe
I felt like I no longer had to worry
Theres just something right about you

When you kissed me I felt free
I felt like I could stay like that forever
Theres just something right about you

Theres just something
Something that tells me yes
Its telling my heart
Its telling my mind
And its telling my soul
Its saying yes
And theres no doubt in me that you're the right one
The one I was meant to go through the pain for
The one I was meant to meet

But
That scares me
So hopefully
I don't push you away

You push me
Day in
And day out

You expect me to never fall
But
I don't work that way

I can't stand on the edge of a cliff
And feel safe

Your words
Stand me on an edge
That I don't know
How to get away from

Stop pushing me
For if you don't
I'm gonna fall

It won't be
Too far a fall
But it will be
Far enough for me
That I won't be able
To get back up

Questions here

Questions there

Questions in my head

Questions in my heart

Questions tearing me apart

About john

Then Paxton

Then others

John
Why don't you love me?
Why dont you want me?
Have I ever hurt you?
Am I too much?
Do you like them?
Why do you wanna do stuff with me?
Are you moving on?

Paxton
Will you always love me?
Are you losing feelings?
Why do you talk about others so much now?
Am I too clingy?
Am I too jealous?
Are you lying?
Why are you less honest?

To the others
Did you ever like me?
Why don't you ever talk to me anymore?
Now that I've left am I just a memory?
Do you see me or just my broken?
Am I a person or a scar and a cut?
Why don't you notice?

To myself
Why do you do this?
Why can't I eat?
Why can't I feel?
Why do I switch?
Why do I smile when I cry inside?
Why am I always pretending?
Why do I love so easily?
Whats wrong with me?
Leave me be

You have decided you no longer
Want to know me

You say I'm too much
You say you feel
Like ****
When you're around me
So you've decided
To leave

I'm devastated
But at the same time
I'm relieved
And I dont know why

Maybe it's because I won't hear you
Telling me all the things I do
That are wrong

Maybe it's because I won't hear you
Telling me how I make you feel
And that
Its not good

I won't hear you say
"You don't make me feel okay"

I won't hear you say
"I dont want your help"
Because if I help you
Then you'll want me around

I won't hear you say
"You're too much to handle"

I won't hear you say
"You get in the way"
When all I do
Is try to help you
Except for when im really not okay

I won't hear you say
"I'm sorry, I can't help"
When you never even tried

So yeah
Maybe I'm relieved
Because I can finally see
That you were toxic to me

Maybe I'm relieved
Because I can finally see
How you truly treated me

If I ignore the hugs
The cuddles
The butterflies
The smiles
The walks
The holding hands
The peaceful nights

I can remember all the times
That you treated me like ****
And they exceed the ones
Where you didn't.

At ten years old you sit down at your desk
Your friend notices a scratch on your arm and asks
"What's that from?"
"I don't know. I must have scraped myself on something."

At twelve years old you sit down at your desk with scraped knuckles
Your friend notices and asks
"Whats that?"
"Oh, I fell. It's nothing."

At thirteen you sit down at your desk with three scratches
Your friend asks
"What's that from?"
"My cat scratched me a few days ago"

At fourteen you sit down at your desk with nail marks in your arm
Your friend asks
"What did you do?"
"I don't know. I did it in my sleep"

At fifteen you sit down at your desk with a really wide and deep cut
Your friend asks worried
"When did that happen?"
"It happened yesterday. I fell off my bike"

At sixteen you sit down at your desk with several wounds
Your friend doesn't ask you what happened

At seventeen you're not at school
Your friend gets told by the principal that you committed suicide on Saturday
On the next Saturday your friend 'falls off her bike' and has several cuts
Or so she tells her new friend
The story repeats and begins again

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That all I can do is cry
And clutch my chest
As hard as my hands will allow
Because I feel like I'm being ripped
To shreds

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That I feel the need to scream
Til I can't breath
Til I'm coughing and choking
On my own pain
And misery

I'm tired of feeling so bad
That its meltdown
After
Meltdown
Until my face is so swollen from the tears
That I don't recognize the mirror

I'm tired.
And I'm drowning
And you just withdraw your grasp
And turn the other way.

I remember that day
And everything that I felt for you
And everything we wanted to do

I remember the feeling of your hands
On my body
Roaming my mind and my soul
As you caressed my skin

I remember the feeling of your cracked lips
On mine
As we connected
And it felt as if
We were one

I remember the way you looked at me
And how I would duck and shy away
Afraid to let you know
What your gaze did to me

But you knew full well the affect
That you had on my body
My mind
And my soul

I don't regret
The soft carresing touch
The blade to my throat
When I tried to disobey
The way you would choke me
With the hands that
Touched my soul

I don't regret
The teasing for hours
Then when you left me devoured
And after you showered me with the warmth
Of the love you had to give
As you helped me wash myself
Along with you
Under the warm water
Connected still to your body

I remember falling asleep
In your arms
Completely at peace
Until I woke up
And once I left I knew
You had given too much of you
And thats the last I felt
Of your hands roaming my body

But
I don't for a second
Regret
You

Roses
They are
Simple
Yet abstract

Black
The colour of death
Of pain
But also of mystery
Yet rare to find a rose
Of such a colour

Red
The colour of love
But the colour of blood
And anger
Oh so common
But what does it mean
That these are in correlation
To one another

White
The colour of peace
The colour of emptiness
Of
Nothing
So
Is peace only reachable
By being empty?

Pink
The colour of playful
Of innocent
Yet also of the weak
What could this mean?

Blue
The colour of calmness
Yet also of sad
So is your sadness calming?
Or is the calming feeling sad?

Broken
Then shattered

Shattered
Then glued back together

Glued
Then shattered again

Round and round we go
Until our hearts make it home

You weren't toxic
For once I found someone healthy
But of course the way I am ruins it

I am running

I am running away from my past
For I'm tired of dwelling there

I am running away from my feelings
Yet I always end up circling back

I am running away from from most thoughts
For they remind me of too much

I am trying to run away from many things

But my heart
Is running
Towards you

I just wanna be fully safe
100%
Just for one day

But you want your support
From a *******
Just like before

You ignore how I feel
Because you wanna believe
Everythings fine
And that I'm happy

But if you really cared about
ME
You'd make him go away
You'd make him
LEAVE

I just want to be able to sleep
But you already chose
A *******
Over me

Soon you'll no longer be mom
If you keep
Choosing them
And ignoring me

I'll make you feel seen
So that you fall in love with me
The way I
Fell in love with you

I'll give you what you want
Even if that means
Tearing apart every single
Thing I need

I require love
I require touch
I collapse when alone

My lungs collapse
And I cant breath

My thoughts collapse
And I can't see

My heart collapses
And I cant do anything
But crave the need
To be in your arms
Or anyones

I cling
And I break myself
For you

They all take advantage
Of my need
For another

They take the blade
That I hold
And they drive it deep
With every lost action
Every cold word
Every false promise
Every "I love you" filled with air

They take my love
And leave it
Completely in
Misrepair

When you look into my eyes
I beg for you to see
The pain that I hide within
But all you see in my eyes
Is your own reflection

When you hear my voice
I beg for you to hear
The strain and break deep in the back
Of my throat
But all you hear
Is your own guilt in disguise

When you take my hand
I beg for you to feel
When I squeez it for a distraction
But all you feel
Is the pain in your own hand


When you kissed me
I begged for you to taste
My very being rotting away
But all you tasted
Was the taste of your own thoughts

When you layed next to me
I begged for you to smell
The fear I feel as my body withers
But all you smelled
Was your own putrid scent

When I cry
I beg for you to notice
The suffering in my tears
But all you notice
Is your own fears

I beg to feel seen by your five senses
But your five senses
Aren't focused on me

Look a little deeper
Look a little harder
Then maybe one day you will see how broken this world
has come to be

Smell the air around
Breath in all scents
Maybe one day you will smell the sour smell or rotting
souls

Touch the world around you
Feel the cracks and bumps
Then maybe one day you will feel how broken she's
become

Listen to the world and the people around
Then maybe you will hear all the people screaming
for help
And maybe you will start to hear the minds of the
restless

Taste the bitter sweet flavor of sorrow
Taste all the blood in the air from all the battles
against ones self
Then maybe one day you will taste your tears
as you cry

YOU

That's all I can think about
morning and day

YOU

Set my heart on fire

YOU

Make me feel warm everywhere

YOU

Ignite my feelings that I hid away

YOU

Are all that I can think about

You set my mind
My heart
My soul
And everything within
On fire

I sit here and I read old messages
And it sparks feelings
I never wanted to feel again

I'm scared of what you do to me
Cause the last time
The person completely broke me

I sit here and think of
YOU
And I smile
And I squeal
And my heart sets itself on fire

Whenever you cross my mind
My whole body feels ignited

Whenever you cross my mind
I can't think of anything else

YOU
YOU
YOU

And nothing else
Until the fire goes out

I'm missing you
But I know I shouldn't

Im in love with you
But I know
I shouldn't be

But when I think about
When I met you
I can't help it

When I remember your smile
That made my heart warm up
I can't help it

When I remember your touch
That made my soul light up
I can't help it

I miss the you
That I met and knew
But something pulled you under
And you're no longer you

I can't reach the person I once knew
And that hurts me
Even though it shouldn't

I just wish I could find out
Why

I just wish i could find out
What happened

Because I'm missing the you
That I once knew
Even though I shouldn't

I also know you won't miss the me
That you were getting to know
And meet
So I shouldn't love
The thought of you with me

I see the blade smile up at me
And the feeling flood my brain
So I smile back
Letting the blood do my greetings

I dance to my music as I smile
Finally seeing the cuts I always wanted
As a kid
Finally deep enough

Ten your old me smiles up at my thoughts
Seeing as I completed her dream
To bleed enough
To stain my dreams

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day

Speak no words
Just share silent stares

Speak no words
But share small kisses
That do all the talking
For us

Speak no words
But listen to the words spoken
In all your favorite songs
As we talk about nothing

I would love
To talk about nothing
With you all day
For I just love the way you smile
My way

The dark is me refuge
Even though the dark is where many bad things happen

People love in the dark

People hurt in the dark

But the dark is still my home

The dark is where some people do harsh things

Some people smoke in the dark

Some people **** in the dark

Some people steal in the dark

But the dark is still my home
Why?
Because no one can see me break down in the dark
Because when everyone else abandoned me
The dark held me in it's arms

Because even though people hurt me in the dark
It was still there for me more than anyone or anything else

So the dark is my home

The things I wish to say to you
Will not
And shall not
Ever come true

I know I cannot
And I know I should not
Speak to you ever again
Even though
I have things I wish to say to you

Hello
I wish to say
Hello to the smile that comes with all the pain
Hello to the care thats guided by a blade
Hello to the I love you wrapped in thorns
Hello to you taking the very part of me you own

*******
I wish to scream
******* for all those abandoned dreams
******* for everything you took from me
******* for telling me it never happened
******* for leaving me abandoned

I hate you
I wish to whisper
I hate you for all the friends I lost
I hate you for all the ruined relationships
I hate you for all the harm to my body
I hate you for all the life you stole out of me

I love you
I wish to never think again
I love you for the care you showed when she didn't
I love you for the love you gave even though it ruined me
I love you for the memories that I despise
I love you for showing me every way to be treated wrong

LEAVE ME ALONE
I wish to display anywhere visible
Leave me alone I wish to say using the blade
Leave me alone I wish to display with the lighter
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display with the holes in the wall
LEAVE ME ALONE I wish to display when I make myself unrecognizable

Everything I do is for you
Even though
All my actions
Are negative reactions
Caused by all you did
And continue to do

You watch
And you wait

You wait for an opportunity to strike
But not through eyes of your own

You watch and you wait through the eyes of others
And of cameras conveniently placed

You watch and you wait behind false walls of safety
For you fear the actuality of potentially being caught

So you flee the front lines and watch from afar
Through the eyes of others watching in fall

You wait for me to falter
To waver
To crack
But I won't let it show

I won't show that I'm always on edge
Waiting for eyes to be following me
Across the ledge of privacy

I won't show that I'm afraid
To step away from this home
Where even in safety I feel scared and alone

I won't show that my heart breaks Whenever someone tells me they'll try
To do something to you

For I know they cant
And they may never be free if they try
Because deep down
I know
That you wont hesitate to hurt
Maybe even to ****

Even though I may
Waver
Falter
Then break

I wont show it for when I do it'll be
My own silent escape

Dizzy with anxiety
Sick with fear

You cry tears of faded dreams
You cut with forgotten wishes

Memories fade as new fears invade

You swallow the poison in your words as they burn your throat

You choke on broken faith

You throw up bad memories in a pile at your side then hide them in blankets of false hope

This poem is beautiful yet destructive
Jut like you

I run my hand along my leg
And feel the jegged edges
That each cut makes

I run my hand along my leg
This time absent of a blade
And I remember
How the blood had flown

Then I look up
And I dare to whisper
"I wish to do it again"

You go from tired
To dying

You go from not wanting to eat
To not being able to

You go from not wanting to wake
To staying in bed all day

You go from skipping a shower every few days
To showering
Maybe once a month

You go from unmotivated
To incapable

You went from tired to dying
And no one noticed

I
Am going from tired to dying
And everyone around
Chooses to ignore
The look in my eyes
Or more so
The look that's not there