Fire burning cold under the sky of her thoughts

As wind grabs her fiercely, and closely, and slightly 

Lets her go - 

When things are left unattended, uncared for 

They tend to find a way to grow. 

The crack in the window, the hole in the wall,

The endless voices that occupy her thoughts:

Everything points in one direction, 

But the fears outweighed her seeming bravado. 

What lies ahead had already lied beneath 

And nothing could scratch the feelings she no longer bore. 

It was an act of bravery - or foolishness, 

To fight her demons alone, 

Not that she lost the battle - or the war;

but she lost so much more.

Fighting the mayhem could not be done with warmth, 

And for that she had become cold.

Cold was her soul, 

Harsh was her path - 

And as her feet bled, 

Her heart could no longer bounce.

I once had a family.
I once thought I had a family.
I once thought I could have a family.
I looked everywhere for a sip of love -
May it be unconditional, I had hoped.
I thought: Love, family - so truthful like nothing else,
But - no love, no family; I started to wither.
One leaf after another, I fell.
I thought I could have it.
All of it - that love.
But - alas.
Alone.
Until
I -

It was a wound,
A wound that healed
but left a scar:
So dim, hardly observable,
But it was there.
I walked around with pride,
I was healing inside,
But there was a dim painting
On my heart.
Each line represented a moment of 'oh, that hurts'.
But I was moving on.
There was a burden,
Sitting by me -
Not hovering on my back
As we managed to be friends
For a while.
I was sitting, observing my hands -
There was once a scar there;
It was now gone.
I put my hand on my heart,
To check an old wound:
It was gone,
But so was the last beat -
Of my heart.

I am in plain sight:
A parrot on a pink tree,
But no one is around.

I am in plain sight:
A fish on the beach,
Having fun with the sand.

I am in plain sight:
A leaf growing on an old bench
Feeling the steady wind moving my hand.

I am in plain sight:
A memory.
A song.
A lullaby.

I am in plain sight - hiding,
Waiting to be found.

Some tears leave scars
Some wounds part
And some fears remain
When some hearts are long gone.

High beat, low beat, fast beat -
Blood rushing in veins
And the beats continue
High, low - stable
It was him,
But he's dead -
High beat
But then
Low beat;
All memories rush within - fast beat
There are no memories, high beat.
He's gone, low beat.
She, too, stable.
Stable, but dead.
Calm - she thought, but no
Now hings have changed.
It was time,
It is time,
It is never time.
She never knew,
She still does not,
But He knows, so she is resting
Until it is stable, hoping:
Perhaps, eventually?
Stable.
High beat, low beat - no beat.

At some point, one remembers all the people who were once part of his life (or in my case her). The circle of people we used to see for a long time. The faces that we no longer recognize, or the voices we no longer recall. The kind of people who were there, always, so you never had to make memories or think about those memories because you assumed they would last.
Ah!
The people who were once part of our lives.
Where did they go?
What do they do?
Who are they now?
Those questions will most probably never be answered.
But if it means much, I do remember some faces. I do recall some voices.
And the rest fade - like, to them, I faded. I am forgotten. My voice is not recalled. Where did I go? What did I do? Who am I? They will never know.

We hit the pause button
Hopin' life would stop
Maybe there's a way
To Heaven
Shorter than this life-time.
I know there are setbacks
I know we are doomed inside
But maybe there's somethin'
That will help us
In our short ride.

14\10

She recited poetry like she was reciting her own heart.
You could hear her happiness
You could hear her anger
You could hear her pain.
She recited poetry like she was telling a story.
Every line said something
Every line expressed a feeling
Every ling gave out a memory.
She recited poetry like she was freeing her soul.
Every breath let out an apology
Every breath pushed out a scream
Every breath released some goodbyes.
She recited poetry like she knew how poetry should be recited.
A lot saw her.
A few heard her.
But no one listened to a word she said,
Yet - a lot sobbed  
And a few cried.

Silence.
Shhh.
You hear silence a thousand times
And noise a bit.
When the world is so freaky,
Your heart is the safest bet.
Flickering stars tend to fade
When your eyes close:
Why would the eyes close?
For it would scare us
To actually see.
Ten
Nine
Eight
And not one two three -
Is not it easier to trace our steps back?
Time passes
So do our breaks
But time goes forward
And our memories keep us here.
One hurt the more,
One wish the less:
Until everything fits into place.
Silence.
Balance:
With each breath out,
A colder one gets in.

December 7, 2018.

In her eyes I see
A thousand smiles, I hear
A sad whisper.
When she talks,
She fakes
A few tones of grief.
She tries to make me think,
She is sad so I break
And tell her
Not to fear.
She wants me to be
Her knight when dawn
Is shining at its peak.
She thinks life is
One goodbye
And loads of hellos and come here.
I never cared,
And walked away,
And let sunlight be her escape.
Until one night,
I opened my eyes
And she was not there.
All the smiles were fake
And all the tears were true
But I was fool to think:
All she needs is a knight
To make her fairy tale real -
All it was that she was lost
And in need for a way
To put her pieces back to place.
She died of a disease
I did not think existed:
The disease of lonesome -
And insecurity.

I see it,
I jump,
I almost fall apart:
That is how life has been
For a couple of years past.
Something pulls me from the back,
And something pushes me so hard.
Lost in lack of equilibrium -
Incapable of moving an arm.
Trains rushing towards me
Phasing right through me
And I stand.
I take a breath.
I pant.
I whisper to myself
Because my lungs cannot function right:
It will end.
It will pass.
The train goes
And all my strength I catch
Until another breaks everything I touch.
From afar I see
Passengers getting in and out
But all this time
I never entered one.
I was always in the way
Of all the storms of winter
But not even once
I could admit out loud:
I am so cold tonight
And I just want to fall apart.

11:38
10/12/2018

How do I tell her in words she understands that I'm hurt.
That's too long for a poet.
But I'm hurt.
Would using less words make a better poem?
How do I explain myself:
That I am hurt.
With short lines.
So much pain,
So much loss.
Would it be enough to just say:
Guys,
I'm
Hurt.

Shreds of laughter escape her mouth
Every second that passes by her;
Carefully, she traces the prints -
Everything leaves a print,
Everyone leaves a print.
It passes by her:
A slow-motion scene.
She thinks, "Why?"
She screams, "Why?"
Echo the walls, "Y - y, y!"
Shreds of tears escape her eye
Every thought that passes through her heart:
That breaks her pieces -
That tears her apart.
Everything leaves a memory,
Everyone leaves a memory.
Silently, she stares:
Herheartebeatsfast
a n d s u d d e n l y s l o w s d o w n.
"Why?"
She wondered.
"Y"
The walls echoed.
Y -
Y!
y?

U.