in the end
what does the
world matter
when I don't?

it consumes you, like endless
darkness, pulling you in against
your will. it's holding you there,
listening to your terrified breathing
waiting for you to snap.

you can't escape without a fight
your entire life is based upon
this fight and how hard you try
to survive, but even when you're
winning, it'll only take a moment
to lose.

it doesn't wait for a certain age, either
it will take you regardless of whether
you're older or young or in your twenties
because what does it matter? a person
is just a person in the end.

nobody else can see you struggle
and part of it is to be afraid of asking
for help because people will look at
you strangely, and they will make
you feel worse

how will you survive in the face
of death?

the sound of water running
and your coughs as you shower
at four am
trying to clear your lungs
in hopes of being able to
breathe freely

i lie in bed, waiting
hoping,
afraid that you won't
be able to get back
to sleep after this

and all i want
for you is
a peaceful night's
sleep

i know that i am safe in the day
when i have your company
to help fight the bad thoughts off
and make me feel okay

but at 4 am
when the roads are empty
and the only sound is you,
your soft breathing in the night
the occasional turn in your sleep

my thoughts get heavy
too heavy for me to hold,
too strong for me to fight
and i desperately try to find a way
to escape them

but i am weak
and they always catch me,
and hold me captive
forcing me to acknowledge them
as they whisper ugly truths
into my ears

when will you stop blaming yourself for who i am?
when will you finally see that it's not you, it's me?
the blindness of self hatred which you shield
yourself behind will break one day
and you will see that all the problems that we've
had to deal with are all because of me.

the hatred that humans hold will destroy
cities, homes, families and lives.
taking each person victim and tearing
apart the life that they have come to know
and come to love.

the world will crumble and the dust will
run with tears and blood and fear.
the hatred will birth more hatred.
people will fear for themselves and their
loved ones in a way we shouldn't need.

the children will be broken, their spirits
smashed in the war, and their innocence
thrown aside as they become soldiers.
the world will be destroyed by hatred.

she could feel each and every cell in her body
and as she thought about her existence,
about how difficult life had been,
about all the pleasant moments,
and the less pleasant,
she began to wonder about him.

he was someone who could have lead a
short time in her life, someone who
phased in and out of contact through
each month and maybe one day they
would hang out and catch up over
coffee, living life in an adultier way
because she would have had to move
out nonetheless.

he could have meant nothing more than
a best friend from one time and nothing
more than a friend in another time, but
instead he meant the world to her and
she fought for him with everything in
her being and she couldn't understand
how he meant to so much to her.

was it normal to put your dreams on
pause so that you can be with someone
who may or may not stick around?
it terrified her, but she loved him
with every cell in her body.