Burn the barn with the red wooden doors
Pour gasoline on the warm cedar floors
Your eyes alit against orange smoke skies
You warn me of my own demise

We watch it together, collapse and unbecome
Neither a death nor a beginning and none
A moment witnessed by death and I alone
From the flames, I cast the first stone

I blame death for all done and said
Death reminds me I too will wake dead
So I beg it to leave me to the fire
Plead that it's my time to expire

But death carries me outside once more
Tells me it will soon even the score
Not today nor tomorrow and yet
My heart stopping, a sure-fire bet

Death leaves me to deal with the flames
Find a way to work through the pain
As if heart or home could be rebuilt
As if I could forgive my own guilt

Night after night I sleep under the stars
Watch my old wounds become scars
Slowly I build a new red door and four walls
While listening to death whisper and call

Though I keep living with all these regrets
Waiting for my sun to eventually set
From old barn ashes sprouts emerge
Tiny seedlings through dirt surge

I'll watch poppies and lilies bloom
Keep working by merely light of the moon
Until I'm rebuilt and once again new
Order is brought to what was once askew

And though death seems to always draw near
I decide to abandon my fear
Even in times I'm lonely, sad or asunder
I'll take the rain, and keep the thunder

I once met a man as blind as the sea
Whose waves crashed down indiscriminately
Dark hair in hand, he whispered to me,
His voice quiet, a solemn plea

He wanted me to throw myself away
This, the meaning his message did convey
Become someone who would make him stay
Quell his waves to still and grey

A good girl - I do as I'm told
I become someone easier to hold
Remove the parts of me too bold
Despite the ocean remaining cold

Til my happiness is a dream unfound
Til my thoughts are still and bound
Til I feel as though I've drowned
Just hoping that he'd come around

But his ocean held no coloured light
It only served to spark and ignite
My colours escaped despite his plight
My wings grew and I took flight

I don't dance, I said
But my love for you is greater
Than my need to not embarrass myself
What is love without vulnerability
So I danced that night
As best as I could
Pretended we were the only ones
Left in that speakeasy
The live music echoing through my body
The alcohol moving through my veins
And I don't dance
But maybe for one night
I can be the kind of person who does
The kind of person who lets loose
Twirls without care and loves their body
Despite awkward hips
Legs that stall and ****
But tonight, I can become someone new
Who lets themselves go uninhibited
Who unapologetically twists and twirls
Who shakes out the day, so tonight,
I do dance - but maybe just with you

Remember the time I played with fire?
Looked in your eyes and saw all I admire
Knew that your touch was what I desire
Didn't believe anything between us would transpire

Remember the night my heart sparked?
Those feelings between us that grew in the dark
How I was happy now, others noticed and remarked
Now without you, the contrast is stark

Remember the way that I burned?
How you told me that this is how I'll learn
Not to play with fire, now I'm not your concern
Even though it hurt, for you I still yearn

You've found those in love with the idea of you
Who see your youth as supposed beauty, the way
Anyone would agree the shore and waves of an ocean
And the sparkling water, like diamonds on the surface
Is beauty itself captured, without seeing the depths --
The muddy ocean floor and vines and tentacles

You've found those who say they love you
Who talk about you like perfection encapsulated
Their dream girl who will surely save them
Kind, compassionate and caring, you love with open arms
There to hold them, cook, clean, support and keep them safe
But your love only heals like a bandaid over an amputation

You've seen love that is exchanged for goods and services
Conditional love that relies on your ambition and ability
Love that is picked up briefly and put down suddenly
Thrice you have even found something resembling absolute love
At a bad time, with the wrong person, in a broken place
And it's never yours to keep and it never remains

So you teeter along this edge where everyone's love
Depends on what you do for them or who you aren't
Slowly but surely you find a way to accept that maybe
No one has ever really, truly, possibly, loved you.
Maybe they can't.
Maybe you are unlovable.

Or maybe love itself is impossible -
An idea created and packaged by capitalism
To sell media and cosmetics and insecurity
You find a way to make peace with the idea of a world
Devoid of unconditional or true love
Where the constance of love and loss are tied

One cannot seem to exist without the other because love itself
Does not exist without barriers or stipulations
The happily ever afters are a likely delusion
One that has poisoned your mind for too long
Love is always conditional, selfish, and possessive
Everyone loved, leaves because love cannot stretch to infinity
Movies and music and literature have lied to us

At some point you learn to give up on others, because it's easier
You learn to stop loving anyone else, either
Because one sided affection is emotionally draining
Giving 100% to anyone but yourself, impossible
And in that moment maybe
You find a way to love yourself like no one else can
Because that's the only thing you have left in this world
While you make peace with the idea
That you, too, will someday leave

If all good things must come to an end
Then the nightmare of losing you is forever

If we're together til death do us part
Then the only way out becomes suicide

They treated you better than anyone ever had
They were kind and sweet and caring
They made you feel good about yourself
They gave you a reason to keep going

And none of that means they were ever right for you.

In the thick of sticky summer heat
A voice that still makes my heart skip a beat
Run my tongue over the sound of your name
Knowing nothing could ever be the same

Your love was motion sickness on a highway
Your love was a red card for foul play
The double yellow lines we once sped by
Made a hole in my heart for you to occupy

Now that hole has become a shallow grave
Everyday, a vast emptiness I stave
More than anything, I miss your eyes
Or how for once, I needed no disguise

In my mind we get to roleplay
You say through the night you'll stay
We both wake with sun on our skin
My fingers trace the outline of your grin

But I wake with no sunshine near
The dark emptiness only brings fear
Every day is a cycle I can't break
My life is shallow and fake

Though you've left, I'm glad you came
Every cherry tree still speaks your name
Part of me wishes you'd hold me once more
Whisper that I'm who you adore

This summer I hope you find someone new
I hold no misconceptions - we're through
I'll always keep you near my heart
Now and forever, together or apart

When oysters leave no pearls and every bird takes flight
And the sky is empty and soundless throughout the night
When you feel like your flames no longer give light
And nothing makes you feel your heart or soul ignite

When you are loved for all that you do but not who you are
And every journey you embark on seems a little too far
When the blood from battles won have left a nasty scar
And you feel yourself suffocating under a glass bell jar

When time slip between your fingers too quick
And you feel like contentment is just a cruel trick
When every change you've made doesn't seem to stick
And the weight in your chest is heavy and thick

Remind yourself it's okay to take rest
Remind yourself you've done your best
Hold a happy moment close to your chest
Be kind to yourself when life tries to test