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 Jul 2018 Natalie
 Jul 2018 Natalie
I cannot feel,
this isn’t real.
I can’t get out!
I can’t get out!

I swallow the pills,
‘cause he tells me it kills.
Still can’t get out!
Still can’t get out!

Stomach’s pumped,
contents discharged.
I can’t get out!
I can’t get out!

Doctor says it’s severe
then why am I still here?
Come get me out!
Come get me out!
 Jul 2018 Natalie
It’s hell.
You’re living in hell.
Every day your hallucinations and delusions carry you futher and futher away from reality till one day you’re totally engulfed by them.
You watch yourself fall deeper and deeper and then you crash.
And it’s like you’ve never existed, nothing has ever existed.
You’ve become this empty vessel controlled by your demons.
 Apr 2018 Natalie
 Apr 2018 Natalie
"You're gonna get sick and weak if you don't eat."
But what if I already am?
These emotions have consumed my heart entirely.
I cannot tame this feeling,
     but I can control everything else.
Being skinny...
     bones are considered beautiful,
     food is the enemy,
     muscles are weakness,
so the fruit in my water is not to be consumed,
     but only to be tasted.
I have begun to become so numb that it has spread to my physical
Unlocking my front door this morning...
     I could see it unlock and open,
     but I did not feel it.
 Mar 2018 Natalie
Ciel Noir
 Mar 2018 Natalie
Ciel Noir
What other kind              of creature could divide        
        Each different thing             into its different sides                
  With chaos versus             order, dark and light
The stark duality of         wrong and right
We even split the very        world in two
With human versus human,       we and you
But still no matter how much      we divide
Each thing has infinitely many      sides
 Jan 2018 Natalie
Louise Glück
The garden admires you.
For your sake it smears itself with green pigment,
The ecstatic reds of the roses,
So that you will come to it with your lovers.

And the willows--
See how it has shaped these green
Tents of silence. Yet
There is still something you need,
Your body so soft, so alive, among the stone animals.

Admit that it is terrible to be like them,
Beyond harm.
I knew a simple soldier boy
Who grinned at life in empty joy,
Slept soundly through the lonesome dark,
And whistled early with the lark.

In winter trenches, cowed and glum,
With crumps and lice and lack of ***,
He put a bullet through his brain.
No one spoke of him again.

You smug-faced crowds with kindling eye
Who cheer when soldier lads march by,
Sneak home and pray you'll never know
The hell where youth and laughter go.
my father,

how he ever got laid
is beyond me,

how I was conceived
is beyond me too,

when all you want to do is
there’s no room for affection
towards your children and
no companionship towards
your significant other

but he strives so much
for a reputation of being
“the hardest working man alive”

and when he’s not at work,
he’s talking about work
or his fathers before him
and how they were even
harder working men

a whole blood line of
genetical hard working
people that ends right
here with me

I can’t blame him for that,
that’s all he knows to talk about

but why spend most of your time at work?

maybe he doesn’t like his home life?

for that, I can’t blame him either,
if I had his home life,
I’d be at work all the time too.

I just can’t fathom the idea of
growing up and spending most
of your time away from your
loved ones and be with people who
are hand picked by someone else
whether you like them or not

and for what?

for money?

money is just the lubricate that makes
getting ***** by the world a little
more tolerable and a little less raw

unseen by many
and directly deposited
into their bank accounts,
to unevenly disperse
amongst conglomerates
who hold the keys
to the little things
you need for
comfort and convenience
only to be left with very little
or none of it

if brilliance is footsteps
then I’m stepping off and
away from this revolving
record of solipsism

my father was never there
for me physically or emotionally
but always had me financially,
all of which, have taught me
the same thing...

nothing at all.

so whatever
I’m doing
in my life,
I’ll let him know
the same thing
he taught me...

nothing at all.

what I’m doing with it
will be a gift to myself

and only belong to me

but what do I know?

I’m just a **** mopper
at the local peep show.
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