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Natalie Jan 2018
I am just anecdotal evidence of my own existence.
Natalie Mar 2018
I began to notice,
During my sixteenth year,
That my heart pulled to some other haunt.
I longed for a place to rest my eyes at night--
A place where I could escape the droning hum
Of man fixed to machine--
Where I could gaze, at midnight,
Upon the light shining through pinpricks
In the taught, dark sheet.
I began to feel deadened by routine,
By the icy glare of headlights
And blinding, bold storefronts.
Natalie Jan 2018
For a moment, I notice them-
A field of fluttering children
Swaddled in plush cotton cozies
And roughly sewn scarves.
I watch them as they huddle together,
Gaping eagerly at an overcast sky,
With winter's frost floating lazily
From their mouths.
They are so young,
And I wonder
Where my own youth has gone.
Has it drifted away
Like warm breath in the snow?
Has it been crushed
Like icicles underfoot?
If only I had known
To savor those days...
Then perhaps I would not dwell so
In the past.
Natalie Jan 2018
I never thought to tell.

I swallowed each heavy feeling
Like a chore
With the hope of making the weight
More convenient
And each gobbet of memory sank and churned
In the pit of my stomach.

These pond stones
Which hiccuped in the gullet
Vanished from sight,
Yet they did not pass.

The weight did not pass.
Natalie Jan 2018
I adore you
With your forward brow,
Eyes of nightshade and black treacle.
Your image floats and unfurls in the ****** spaces
Between marks posed in gazette.
You stare back at me knowingly,
As though watching the course of my life unfold.
You have stretched your hand through time
To let it fall in a cold gust across these pages,
Betwixt the folds of my cerebrum,
Your spectral lips prompting faintly
In the nook behind my ear.
-O goddess, O muse!-
O fellow soul…
You have found me.
Natalie May 2019
Faded building-tops
Tips erased by smog and haze

Are dulled, washed out
As the sky comes down, smothering the ground.

Flags lay limp, ephemeral trees
Like phantom shadows, dissolve

Into **** heads
Or bare crooked limbs.

Everything is cloaked
In staler colors.

The mind, too, is dull.
Stale people drag in driveling stupor

To places I do not
And never will know.
Natalie Jan 2018
Feel the moment pass.

Feel the air settle.

Soak it in

Like paper in a pool.

This is so much bigger

Than you.

Do not think now.

Do not let your mind

Be your universe,

Though there is life in it.


But do not perceive.

For, this moment


And has always been


To both the past

And the future.

Thus in some form,

You always have been,

And you always will

Natalie Jan 2018
Beneath my feet,
A carpet of smiling, yellow
Ginkgo leaves,
Caressing each step
To just
A plush,
Plush, plush.
Natalie Aug 2018
Bosch is not like any man.
He eats his metaphysics raw.
Great and globular,
A sanguine fruit looms forth infinitely.
Stars, like gleaming berries picked,
Lay strewn across his astral dining set.

He breaks bread with the Abstract Entities,
Devouring the Earth and all its mortal sentiments.
He voices his distaste for the fibrous pulp,
Formless nose scrunched and curled
With loathing at the terrestrial filaments
Stuck between his teeth.

Bosch's belly is an endless hollow
Where darkness swallows light.
There is no air, no sound.
Its abysmal blackness knows no bounds.
His hunger insatiable,
He drinks in the Milky Way,
Eager to fill the emptiness
Of his ever-expanding void.
Natalie Apr 2018
I am desolate, hollow
As the shaft of a feather.
I float easily among the rest,
Through fields of grazing bovine,
Heads bent to pasture.

My belly whines.
The noise it makes threatens forfeiture
And begs nourishment, a rest
From this emptiness.
I push firmly on it to shut it up.
I do this many times. It is a nervous hour.

With each passing day, a righteousness
flows through my every dry and shriveled vein.
This denial of self eats at my humanness.
There will be but spirit left.
Natalie Mar 2018
I do not know what the trouble was that caused this.
It was soft, supple, and bright.
It was whole, and I watched it all I could,
My mouth agape with love and joy.
I hugged it closely to my *****, like a babe,
And felt the fluttering thump of livingness.
I held it as it dried to dust.
What loss! What dissolution!
What betrayal of trust!
I am soiled with the ashes of what once was
And what could have been.
I wash these blackened hands again
And again, yet the smell,
The burning stench of rot
Has soaked into my very flesh.
I tote it now, like a badge, the black hands.
I am a murderous brute.
Natalie May 2019
it made you feel awful—
the contagion very carefully got,
letting the slump in again
and in, and again,
deeper and deeper than ever before,
shaking, trembling, mouth
shut over a sudden darkness
like a token—a dry
communion tablet.
Natalie Apr 2018
My pupils scatter and drag.
I dream and eat the round, brown beads
In fitful sleep, my tongue pale and sallow.
This consciousness will not float.
The lids clatter shut like a kettle drum cooker,
A thing alive inside, more or less.
There is an echo,
Scuttle, and a cough. Strangers in the cellar.
There is no rightness to this, only sacrilege.
The unjust man chatters in my skull.
"Go home, go home!", I cry.
The sense of it all withers with the passing of the years.
Natalie Aug 2018
I feel keenly the quiet of many dead suns
Growing inside of me,
A biting blackness
Leaching out towards my fingertips.
It reverberates back, again
And again, swelling in my chest
Until I feel I could burst from the abundance
Of nothingness.

How horrible this could be!
Such quiet, inward rage...
The mind consumes itself
And turns to feverish delirium,
Enshrouding me in a blanket
Of bitter, tacky sweat.

In this empty, blazoned state,
I swallow worlds of men
Like syrups from a bottle.
O, the ravenous binge!

I devour it all to a hush.
Natalie Jul 2018
The ache of this deficiency sustains me.
It grows like a babe in my middle,

Yet the physique it makes is not at all alike.
There is no luster here,

No rosy flush or glow.
No promise.

And this bulge which I see exists merely
As a faulty figment in my mind's eye.

The only fluttering kick I feel
Is the vacant, restless quiver of my gut.
Natalie Aug 2018
Her mouth sits agape,
Shallowly wafting stale, dank air.
Each breath drifts down to her lap,
Resting there in a sour cloud.
It reeks of dead fish and swamp mud.
And her middle is drowned in feelings of despair
Which seep sluggishly through the chambers of her heart.
The drunken reflux stains her linen black—
Black as the bottom of some lifeless lake.

She rises from her place at the edge of her bed
Wading through her sorrow—
Through her own viscous thoughts...
She does this
With what little spirit she can muster.

It is the last of what she once possessed.
Natalie Apr 2018
What do you mean?
Well, what did you say?
What words or what whims
Did you mean to portray?
The furrowed black letters
Do not mind you at all.
They may seem aloof,
But they will heed your call.
So let go, and be free!
For if you do falter,
The words on your page
Are quite easy to alter.
Natalie Jun 2018
I do it slowly so no one notices.

There is subtlety
In this practice of prolonged self-destruction.

Too quickly,
And everyone will see the act.
Perhaps it can be said

That I am a student of Stanislavsky:
I imagine my death until it becomes truth,
And I do this until there is nothing else left.
Natalie Mar 2018
Stiff, stiff as some barren tree
You stand,

A Greek goddess carved from cold marble,
Stark and white as an eye.

Where is the blood, the rose-colored flesh?
Some savage thing has eaten away

At all the softness. There is but tooth left,
Gleaming all over—pale, blank, and paltry.

Have all the world's mothers left you to dry?—
Mothers like the one that once slumbered in you?

It is shriveled with you now,
Your face, a sunken visage.

Wavering beanpole, you let your hair
Into the wind and stumble over nothing,

Nothing, all this nothingness!
Your body, your cheeks are bitten fruits,

The apple gone. This frame is but a filament,
A thing half-seen,

A crescent etched from this moon.
Natalie Apr 2018
On the edge of my windowsill, I sit
And count the little black and bustling heads
Clustered down below.
There is Life

In the pinnacles of the trees I tower over.
I feel It, breathing coolly down my neck.
I am soon to be reborn,
My countenance now aglow.

This is my precipice.
I will soar down from my mountaintop
Bearing word of reclamation.
I will sow my bones like seeds upon the wind.
Natalie May 2018
We let them believe
We are fine--
That the pain we write on our skin
Is just a typo,
Not an epitaph
For who we once were--
A eulogy
For the child's spirit they killed.
Natalie Dec 2018
your absence
will be my death.
my mind will not let me forget you.
my heart will not let you go.
i see your face as i lie alone—
as i close my eyes
this last time
against the steady darkness of night...
Natalie Apr 2018
My tongue is bitter with the salt of life.
I have ****** it of its marrow.
The hollow bones clack and rattle.

Mortality lingers like an itch at my side
That sinks in through the skin
And crawls its fingers forever outward.

I drink my fine, black mornings,
An unsavory sip. One's teeth
Would whine in agony,

Like gravestones in the wind.
Natalie Oct 2018
in the city,
dead leaves skitter across
rough concrete, hushing me,
whispering out my past

and future—brown bodies blown
without the sturdiness
of a branch or root,
cast aside by cold, arid wind,

with no one to claim them
but the young, bright children
who like to hear their brittle bones

collapse beneath booted heels,
and the white, indifferent snow
that covers—
buries the broken pieces.
Natalie May 2019
keep your mind,
your own rotten luck.

you’ll bear it because
there isn’t any choice—

except to go to pieces.
say nothing,

hold yourself together.
think about your certain cool pride.
Natalie Aug 2018
My limbs pinned and flayed.
A curious crowd of men hover overhead,

Floating faces bobbing closely
Like great bearded balloons.

In a flash of white and sharply gleaming silver,
They swiftly strip my leather skin

And, upon prying the cage, are astounded to have found
Only a cavity in the place a heart should be.

Throughout my warren of vein sits the last true proof
That anything once flowed there—

A thickly pickled ichor to make sickened
Wives’ stomachs turn at their evening roast.
Natalie Aug 2018
Like the gaping, empty mouth
Of an infant child, I yearn,
My mind an arid expanse.
I live in its dunes as a beggar,
Thirsting for nourishment of thought—
A taste long forgotten by the tongue.
Natalie May 2019
waking in darkness, he saw
waving manifold,
their inward edges
delectably touched by carbon light
white as sugar—extravagant—
and elsewhere was black.
Natalie Aug 2018
Along a dusky road, tail lights glare ahead—
Glowing, beastly eyes of some ****** origin.
There is no going
To be done. The heart and hum of motion has died
And drifted far along the blistering wind.
Pungent smells of death plume
With night-blackened smoke,
The foul breath of burning tires and gasoline sludge.
The air is acrid with it all.
Yellow men in hats and heavy dungarees
Wheel in their stock of the river
And let the blaze drink it dry
With unquenchable thirst.
Natalie Sep 2018
Dark and dankly dripping,
It groans out its low bellied cry,
Not heeding
Stop or stare of rubbernecked
Gawkers with gaping lips, ears, eyes;

Thence echoes a ventriloquy of sound--
From that great yawning throat
To dumb puppet mouths
Of men who stand transfixed by such awful
Lamentations of the Earth’s cold flesh.
Natalie May 2019
when the sky blackens,
and the full moon brightly rears
its white bald head,
their words resound in my ears
from ghost-mouths and artful
tongues which, like thorny roses,

bloom and snag.
darkness shepherds them in.
and now, in solitude, under the charm
of somnolent night,
words cease to be words alone—
they are life in a breath.
they are lips and teeth
and tongue and cheek,
skin, blood, and bone.
Natalie Apr 2018
In a day, there will be a ****** death.
A sorry mark of my womanness,

It comes like clockwork
To remind me of my waste.

I am a lukewarm pool
For leaves and tepid amity.

And this is just the monthly drain.
The condition sits well with me.

I am not ill, nor grossly deprived of love.
I am not drawn to that convention.
Natalie Mar 2018
Maiden fair livens at the blue-white gleam of moonlight
And stirs
Under the shadows of night.
With downy hairs perched upon the nape like writhing snakes,
Burning black as soot,
Her lips pucker and spit foul-speckled air,
And her head will spin and spin and spin
Until night turns to dawn
When the infernal sun will eat away at the soiled bits
Of the wild, dour mess.
Natalie Jan 2018
A large, leaning figure of a man
in tenebrous coattails,
slight and mantis-like,
waits for me
at the end of a long, dark hall.

A phantom,
he does not speak,
yet he allures me
letting his stillness attest
to his presence.

His featureless shadow of a face
screams silently of hunger,
a desire for my liveliness--
for my ability to walk freely in the light.
Natalie May 2019
The boundaries of my body are blurred. The once
Blunt ends of my fingers blend and smear, like Rorschach blots,
Into a pool of surrounding air.

The short scrubs of my hair sprout wildly
Like stalks, seeking
As vines of some flowering **** for something to leech on.

I am expanding one moment,
Collapsing the next, retreating infinitely inward,
Drawing in my limbs.

I sponge up all my musings, stifle
My breath, tuck words under my tongue
Or in the penny pouch of my cheek;

Some days I must go mute
And lock myself in the echo chamber of my mind,
Re-absorbing reverberations

Of the sour thoughts that I have shunned
While I searched for peace
So keenly outside of myself.
Natalie Sep 2018
At the edge of morning--broad sky fine
And soft as peach skin--
The sun, a round, sweet skinless half--
Rilling water washes through gullied gorge,
Cresting fig root and tongue of cobbled stone,
Lazing into lacquered lake or placid pond;
Squat and pooch-bellied on flatly floating leaf,
The idle toad croaks his great guttural,
Glutted belch.
First Draft
Natalie May 2019
At dawn, her unripe berries glint
A bluish milky white—
Pale ova, pure in their infancy;
The lustrous pearls nest in nooks
Between several sprigged fingers
And sit patiently ‘round her crown,
Clustering at her clavicle;
And her hardy skin
Seeps rich with olfactory bliss—sweet
Sweat of gin, balsamic breath
Of damp, green wood.

She stretches at each fingertip,
Yawning, quietly nursing her young;
She bleeds fertility, silently fruiting,
Flowing maternal certainties.
Her round children suckle preordination
And grow and grow.

Each recoils from chill, dry air, nestles deeply
Into its mother’s folds.
It is winter again, and they
Are white as snow.
Natalie May 2018
The air is thick
with a palpable sadness.
it drifts in from the heavens
and settles densely
like wet sheets upon the lowered heads
of the people down below.
I soak it in,
as a supplement through the skin.
I lie in its heaviness.
Natalie Aug 2018
Night floats above us like the breezy underside
Of a great, black cloth,
The sky tattered and torn
And spattered with brilliant, glowing stars.

We pull it’s coolness over our heads,
As a child would a blanket,
A temporary shield against the devils
Of our own imaginings.

We are both watchful and resigned,
Knowing that the sun will return
And soon resume its rage, unaltered.
We do not sleep.

Instead, we wait and wait
In shades of black and blue,
Drinking in the coolness.
We wait.
Natalie Jan 2018
Peer into the looking glass
Through to the shadowy pit
There is a figment curled tightly
Just under the lash at its periphery
Look deeper.
Past the mouth
Past even the bottom
Of the crater
Into its hidden systems
Of tunnels, streams
Cellular clusters of caves


Can you see it?--

That which makes you twitch and sway
And grasp at phantoms?

These are the inhabitants of the mind
The cold, pitiless
Dendritic eels
Feeding on the sparks
At each synapse
Natalie Nov 2018
for a moment
it feels as though the urgent heaviness
of my breath were pushing
pulling at the boughs of bright dead
and then I realize

that it is only the wind
I begin to shake with dry
laughter at the absurdity
of my thoughts
catch my reflection in a puddle
at my feet
my eyes are terrifying

i mean terrified

trees break through the ground
all around me, reaching climbing
endlessly upward as
towering neuronal bodies
erected as extensions of the earth’s wild head and the earth
becomes an extension
of my being

i cannot seem to control this
but that is all I wish to do

i am crushed by my impermanence
yet I flee to its consequence
planning my ascension
to ascend as a tree
my bones a relic of everything
i was

trees break through the ground
i think the ground is shaking
but it is only my limbs

half-barren treetops mock me
dendritic and unpredictable
phrenic and phrenetic
reflecting body and mind
at every level:

nerves and neurons branch out
to relay messages
of pain agony suffering

phalangeal forms diverge
From a hand

limb and head from abdomen

dendrite from soma cell body
a symmetry to which
there is no end.

for a moment
it feels as though the urgent heaviness
of my breath were pushing
pulling at the boughs of bright dead
and then I realize

that it is only the wind.
Natalie Jan 2018
I pull you and tug you
yet I cannot be seen

The more massive you grow
the stronger I become
What am I?
Natalie Jan 2018
I want to shed this blanket of skin
That binds this frame.
I wish desperately to slip out
As easily
As I would a sock
Or shirt
Or shoe.

It is *****, it is dusty, it is
Eaten away by moths
In some places,
Stretched and torn like cling wrap
In others.
It reeks of must
And the over-sweet smell
Of cheap perfume.

Heavy, insufferable, and vulnerable,
It subjects me to the whim of Man.
It is smothering me,
Demanding that I keep it up
-The con, the jig, the ruse-
For (it claims) I exist
Only to tend its membranous form.

If I could, I would
Simply strip it all away
To reveal my true, incorporeal self.
It is like nothing you have ever seen.
No, it is hotter than the deepest pits of Hell,
Heavier than every star, collapsed,
More blinding and more absolute
Than the birth of a universe,
Deep inside of this skin.
Natalie Dec 2018
wring me out
of everything—
all the thoughts damp
with mildew, old rotten mind,
brain like brown ground beef,
pale with dead blood
and green with fuzz.
wring me out.
when you are finished,
there may be nothing left—
hardly anything left, but
extract this mentality
like sebum from a blemish on my cheek.

There will be nothing left.
Nov. 2018, Ketler Unit ***
Natalie Sep 2018
Clouds of ambrosia, food of the gods,
Glow pink in this evening light—
Sweet against a velvet blue;
The sun burns the air in fiery orange,
Deeply luminescent like hot metal,
Iron cast ablaze.
I stare at it in awe until my vision goes
Spotted black and green, colors born anew
With each dark
Natalie May 2019
it may all be a false alarm,
but there was a stirring—
something born, very faintly
warmed by simplicity—
a whisper of God,
practically automatic.
like breathing.
Natalie Mar 2018
Words, words, worms! My mind is swarmed
With them. Ants file in through the sticky
Canals, chattering, stamping their little black feet.
They use me. I am their harboring medium,
A visitor in my own head.
Black, empty mouths flutter and dance and signal
Amongst themselves, crowding my skull,
A murmuration of phrases and guttural sounds.

I mustn't tell fully what they say.

They draw forth black and bubbling swamps,
Wicked crows, the yawping millions, pecking,
Pecking, gouging with yammering beaks
At every smooth, young innocent.

There is death in this tumult of words.

Let it not take me.
Natalie Jan 2018
My feet,
Haustorial and dendriform,
Slip into the heavy earth and all else,
Leeching through to drink the viscous nectar-
The blood that wallows warmly on the tongue.
Natalie May 2019
everyone secretly hopes
that a syndrome
—a respectable eruption—
will cause the world to admire
the performance
of the youngest sisters—
of the beautiful, modest,
worried people.

“Is it going to explode?”
Natalie Mar 2018
I am wary of these arachnoid beasts.
How foreign they seem!
They are resting now,
Curled delicately upon my lap at each folding joint,
Looming faithfully.
They cling to me, and naturally so.
Yet, we are not one entity.
They are far too elegant
To notice me, their blundering mother.
They suckle my blood dispassionately,
Yet it is painless,
A numb event.
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