Do you even know it hurt?
Or how it broke my heart?
That I gave you my everything while you pushed us apart?
That for a month I said my thank you's
And with distain you did it once.
Like you couldn't stomach showing gratitude to the one you supposedly loved.

Do you even know it stung?
Or how it ripped at my spirit?
That you said you wanted my story yet at the end of it it grimaced?
With your face turned away in disgust
For cards delt different from your own;
Disgust born from intolerance of anything not 'status quo'.

Do you even know it hurt?
Or how it shredded my soul?
To know that you didn't love ME only the woman your mind could hold?
The woman who stood before you didn't match the picture in your head.
So you let disappointment and then disinterest guide you,
Until that's all I felt in the end.

So, did you know it hurt me?
Or how you made me feel unworthy?
Were you so caught up in you,
That I was someone you looked right though?
I suppose now it doesn't matter because I am a galaxy away.
Floating in the light of stars that I myself have made.

Girl
Daughter
Sister
Cousin

Have you noticed how from the moment we are born we are given names.
Descriptions that bare the weight of expectations placed onto tiny shoulders that cannot yet hold up the weight of the body they have?
As we grow those name, those descriptions they grow in number and become heavier too.

Girl
Daughter
Sister
Cousin
Woman
Friend
Partner
Wife
Mothe­r
Caregiver
Provider

Placed upon our shoulders is the weight of every person we care about.
We, as females, are charged with caring for them all.
This is what the world expects from us.
Perfection is what we try to force from ourselves on behalf of everyone else.
Often we loose ourselves in the fray,
always expected to make it work,
sort it out,
fix it,
listen,
empathize,
understand
and so much more.

Yet for all of this, when we have little left to give;
when the weight becomes to much and our hardened shells crack,
letting out a little of what we ourselves feel, we are told we're
over emotional,
dramatic,
To just calm down,
it's not such a huge deal.

Except that it is...
While we are everything for everyone, more often than not we are alone in our burdens.
So while we give others what they need to be okay;
we do not get the same in return.

See, being a good woman is the
thankless job
that society has given us...

I used to be the girl who wrote to the one she loved.
Painstakingly worded letters overflowing with my love.

Letters handed off in perfectly folded hearts,
By hands soaked in tender care to hands that dripped with hurt.

I used to be that girl,
That girl that is no more.

No more because of letters gathering dust in the bottom of someone's draw.
Letters that were thrown away
And letters never read.
Due to people who've shown me time and time again,
How little my love has meant.

Now I keep it all inside,
Planted in the soil of my soul.
Waiting for the one who will water it
And allow my letters of love
To grow.

Time heals all wounds.
We've all heard this saying, some even believe it.
I don't.
It's one of the biggest lies I've ever heard,
right up there with 'It'll get easier' and 'It won't hurt forever'.

I know that they are lies
because I've spent more than half my life
living in a world where you no longer breathe;
a world where your heart no longer beats.

The truth is that time heals nothing,
it doesn't get easier
and so far it has hurt forever.

Loosing you hasn't gotten easier,
I've just gotten better at putting my pain and longing into a box.

Packed away in the back of my emotional closet
and hidden from the world.

It doesn't hurt any less today than it did seventeen years ago.
It's not easier,
it's not less painful
and I sure as hell don't miss you less.
In fact,
I miss you more.

I miss you more
For all the things I cannot tell you and share.
I miss you more
With every thought of you.
I miss you more
For my children that you'll never meet and
who'll never know the amazing uncle you would have been.

I miss you more for all these reasons, plus a million more;
each reason is salt
in a gaping, never-healing wound.

I miss you more
even when I pack it back in the box
and hide it away again.

Today...
Every today, I miss you most.

Broken promises are like shattered glasses that aren't cleaned up.
Eventually there's nowhere left to walk without getting cut,
whether you broke them or not.

Broken hearts are like drying puddles in full sun of a desert.
Eventually they wither away and dry,
leaving only a cracked, unmalleable surface.

Broken souls are like colors faded to grays.
Though beautiful they have no luster and life they cannot sustain.

Broken promises
lead to broken hearts
and broken hearts
cause broken souls.

Only the truely strong can survive a real broken heart and not let it touch their soul.

Can you?
Can I?

I guess in time we'll know.

"I can love you and still not like the choices you've made."

Did you know?
Did you know that I didn't understand when you told me these things?
That I was too caught up in teenage angst and feelings?

"You can hate me, that's okay because it isn't my job to be your friend."

Did you know?
Did you know how much it would hurt to learn these lessons?
That though you told me, I would need to live them?

"One day you'll understand, Fire Heart."

You knew.
You knew I wasn't one to take the short cut.
That some things just had to be learned the hard way.

"Life isn't always fair, Fire Heart."

You knew.
You knew how painful those lessons could be.
That's why you tried to give me your hard earned cheat sheet.

"Sometimes you just have to smile until the world is bright again."

Don't worry, Mama.
You did right by me.
You gave me all the tools I ever might need.
Some I used to get to where I am,
Some I use daily to just keep me sane.
Still I know that the rest will have their time and place,
to guide me through life's maze.

"One day you'll have children of your own, you'll thank me then."

So thank you, Mama,
For not being my friend.
For raising me right so I could be the person I am.
Your wisdom is passed on as it's needed,
To the tiny people that I've created.

"You'll never know how strong you truly are until you're faced with the impossible and still refused to give up."

Thank you, Mama,
For your wise, wise words.
For the cheat sheet that you passed on with love and care.
These are the things that helped me survive,
In a world that tries to eat us alive.

"Circumstances don't define you, Fire Heart; your choices do that."

I see the darkness surround you as it opens it mauw.
Watch you struggle to get out before it closes the door.
The light I have to give could turn the tide in your battle.

I give you my light
and let the darkness have me.
I do not fear the dark the way that others do.

While they watch and think me drowned,
I return it's embrace.
The darkness doesn't consume me,
it bends and obeys.

Darkness is my kingdom where I create and I thrive.
I don't need the light for which you fight and strive.
All I need do if I want light,
is to make it.

Do not fear the dark when it is your friend.
A hard one I admit,
for it will teach you to never bend.
The dark will teach you to thrive where others always fail.

Come play in my kingdom and I'll keep you safe.
I'll teach you the land and the best places to play.
Show you its wonders and all my favorite spaces,
that taught me how to live in both places.

Come,
find the other half of your soul
and together we'll stitch it, mend it
and make it whole.
For you are neither darkness nor light,
you're a blend of both, as it right.

So do not hide who you truely are,
for within you
lies power unmatched by far.
Join my kingdom and I'll teach you to rule,
I'll show you the magic you have within you.

Come, lost soul and take it all in.
Your creations are waiting for you....
to be happily blended again.