Growing up I was the "tomboy" a term
I now loathe.

My mom had a lesbian roommate, LGBT was widely accepted at my school, my brother is bi and my auncle non-binary.

I've been surrounded by this magical group of people and I have always supported them.

But for me it was different. The same rules didn't apply. I loved Buffy the vampire Slayer and other logo shows. But I became defensive when confronted or described with the term lesbian.

It was okay for others, I supported them and was excited. My family wouldn't have cared. But why did it sit on my chest like a boulder for so long? . . . No, not me. I don't like girls!

But did, I was the biggest flirt too!

I even loved a girl. I remembered being nervous in college orientation. She was sitting at a desk to my left. She was thin with big curly hair. I was nervous but I wanted to talk to her.

She looked at me with beautiful brown eyes, a cute little nose, and lips I found myself lost in. She was the most beautiful person I have ever seen. I was a stuttering fool as she asked to compare class schedules.

She became my best friend. We live together, cuddled, and took care of each other. For two years. When the relationship ended, she said she said she felt like she was loosing a boyfriend. Ew, not like that! I was defensive. I did not like girls. I couldn't have, the rules didn't apply to me. The next year it didn't understand why it hurt so much to pass her with her girlfriend at the gym. After two more years I would finally know why.

Working at the coffee shop I saw two lovely young lesbians sharing a *** of tea. Then she handed in an application. She met all of the qualifications. It was delightful to have her in my life. To watch how life could be. She was pretty patient and kind. She took the time to answer the hard questions.

That is the first time, I acknowledged that I might be gay. All girls find other girls pretty, right?

After along drive with my brother, he was convinced I am deep in the closet. How did he know? I didn't even mention it.

Flash forward and I told a boyfriend that I like girls. But it was a secret. That relationship ended. After a bit I told my following. I. Like. Girls. It was a secret. I still didn't want to tell anyone else.

Yesterday, I joined my first LGBTQ+ facebook group. I'm still hesitant to share with anyone I know in person other than my fiancee. He is a man and I do love him. What am I? Am I allowed to Identify as LGBTQ+ if I, a female, is in a relationship with a straight man.

What am I? What am I? What am I?

Probably pansexual. In reality, I am scared.

Today, I wrote this and I am cracking the closest door.

Upon waking up I hate myself
Peeling out of bed
Like removing lead from a shelf
My head bubbling with dread

Looking in the mirror I feel hallow
My eyes empty
My monologue ever more shallow
If I only knew now, when I was twenty

Did I do the right thing?
Did I say the right thing?
Did I share the right thing?
Did I post the right thing?

Dressed in five day old jammies
Working two jobs
Can't pay of debt reciting taxonomies
Look at the news, now my heart sobs

Why is it so hard to be a good person?
People like you make me sick
Turn around and be a new version
I hope for your sake someday it will click.

When I first met you, I cried.
Looking upon your silhouette, I wondered.

Reading your articles, I wanted to know you.
Searching for hours, I would find you.

A traveling boxer, just breaking into fame.
A husband, a father.

She moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon, and was your demise in 1902.
I moved from Pennsylvania to Oregon, and I will remember you.

A decade younger than her, but I feel the responsibility heavy on my shoulders. The resemblance to me, uncanny

She took you to your grave and I will celebrate your life.

Why did it have to take this long?

Working for YOU
Fighting for YOU
Losing sleep for YOU

But me, I work two jobs, have three sick dogs, and over 100,000 dollars in student debt to pay off.

Not enough time to eat, for YOU
Crying for hours, for YOU
Migraines for days, for YOU

In the face of danger, for YOU
Across the street from an AR-15, for YOU
Unwavering as the beast threatens to take my leg, for YOU

Stand up for what's right but keep your mouth shut
Talk less, smile more

But I'm seemingly straight
I am white
Everything I've done means nothing. . .

To YOU.

Close your eyes, take in a deep breath of the salty air.
Now open them.

With fresh eyes, looking out you see the deep navy blue water and numerous waves in the distant water.
Crash, crash, crashing into each other.
Pristine white cross-hatching sea foam patterns scatter and reform.

You have been walking towards the water's edge and haven't even noticed. The soft cream colored sand starts to darken and harden as you approach the water.

The wind is loud enough to drown out nearby conversations and passing cars. You are in your own world. Nothing from the tangible world can touch you. The cool wind constantly battles the sun's heat on your face and hands, causing your skin to tingle.

You reach your arms out and close your eyes, lost in the moment.

Breathing in the salty fresh air you let go of your troubles, if only for the moment.

If the United States made an Ireland . . .
It would be somewhere on the coast.
It would have massive blue rocky cliffs to hold back the ocean.
It would have fields outlined with shallow rock fences.

If the United States made an Ireland . . .
There would be every shade of green as you walk down the street.
There would be moss dangling from the trees reaching out to you.
There would be rain, lots and lots of rain!

If the United States made an Ireland . . .
People would be sailors, fishermen, and drunkards.
People would be cautious and friendly in the same moment.
People would be the biggest jokers you ever met.

It the United States made an Ireland it would be in Oregon. . .