There's sounds around me
but they're almost muffled,
distant... 
My brain is louder. 
Thoughts bounce around
All too quickly
Like a ping pong ball
in an old arcade game
Up. Down. Back and forth
To every side
Hard to keep track
Of which way the ball
Is going to go next
Swirling around all the knobs 
and fancy buttons 
Faster, and faster, 
Till I can't keep my eye 
on the ball anymore,
Or gather which thought is which,
And suddenly, the ball falls
All too quickly
Through the little space 
at the base of your game
The base, of my brain?
And I lost my thoughts, 
the ball is gone
What was I even thinking..?
But the game starts up again
Right away
Before I have time
To slow down my brain 
Or shut down the game
A new ball
With new thoughts,
Ideas
My fears,
And desires
Too much paranoia 
And fabricated scenarios 
And some other ******* 
that makes no sense
Cause the ball is bouncing again
In every direction 
Pinging, 
and dinging,
With all the flashing lights
And funny little sounds 
That no one else can hear
Cause the game is in my head.

My world is filled with strangers.
People without last names.
Intense closeness and then nothing.
Passing through without a trace.
I don't mind but it all feels paper thin.
I want something solid to stand on.

do you know what it feels like
not to belong?

the mind is aching,
searching for a place
to call home,
where you get tucked in at night
and finally get some sleep

a place
to feel free,
where you can dance in the rain
and laugh in the pale moonlight

but the thing you refuse
to believe

you reject
in the depths of your heart

is the search
will never stop.

that girl you see? with the big blue eyes?
she's in the middle of a war with herself.
she was known as the girl who went in her car everyday for lunch simply to write.
you see her?
she's the girl who holds a mask in front of her face
and if you were to look behind it
you would be shocked.
that girl, that girl loves .
she L O V E S.
and if she loves you
then ****, you have got to be something special.
that girl is the one with depression and anxiety.
who has dealt with things you wouldn't even imagine.
she's that girl with the love for life
despite the fact that life has tried to turn her dark and grey.
that girl shines
that girl shines colors you've never seen before.
that girl is the one who is messy and unorganized but it's okay with her.
she's the girl with an ordinary face, but an extraordinary heart.
she's that girl that will apologize for the mess after you rip her to shreds.
that girl has a strange love for bears and the outdoors.
and has dreamt of the mountains all of her life.
she's from the small town where she was being swallowed.
and trust?
trust is not something that girl can do easily.
she has walls so strong that you wouldn't believe.
with a never ending for stargazing
because it reminds her each night that there is beauty everywhere
even if it is hidden sometimes.

yeah. that girl.

It's easier to have
no expectations at all,
so your heart won't break when he
doesn't come.

A second choice is all I've
ever been to
just about
everyone.

My opinion
comes second,

my heart
comes second,

my presence
comes second,

I
come second.

And I'm tired of it.

I want to be top priority,
first choice,
preferred.

Though my expectations
would never soar so high.