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Bella Apr 2015
No longer memories,
just empty scenes in my mind
endlessly replaying
im ready to move on
these fragments of broken glass keep cutting me so deep,
rupturing my veins and spilling out my bones,
just let me go and let me be
i wanna get out
i wanna be free
its like a record player
stuck on repeat
im running in place
im running alone
I see new scars
on top of scars,
on top of scars
each time i look they multiply
each time i look i wanna tear my skin
piece by piece
take it away
because the more i learn to love myself
the more it hurts to see.
Bella Mar 2015
Take me apart piece by piece
strip search me
you will only find bruises and broken bones
from all those who've come before you
discarding my clothes like unwanted distractions
i gave up long before you
on trying to fight back
slowly convinced my bodies not mine to fight for
this skin isn't mine to hide
your hands on my hipbones
tongue in mine
kissing away every "no" I whisper
thrusting,
moaning,
but don't you  know
you're ******* a corpse
  Feb 2015 Bella
Shivani Lalan
He had a habit of forgetting
That the knife should be
At his left,
Unlike others.
Every morning, she would
mechanically
switch the fork with the knife.


When they finished lunch
she started clearing up
and noticed the knife to his right
again.

That night,
after their routine drew to a close,
They talked.
Slowly, at first.
A touchy subject walks in.

It's time.

Even as the air is knocked from her lungs,
She gets up and scrabbles on the floor.
Nails scratching the carpet.
Eyes scanning the horizon, now black.
Her brain decides to get up,
Her body disobeys.

Her body disobeys.

Isn't that what put her here in the first place?
So what if she is pretty?
So what if her eyes are sparkling emeralds?
Her belly renders her defenceless
from his onslaught.
Isn't it her fault
that it is empty?
Isn't she wrong to want
independence from him?
Mentally, physically, emotionally?
He owned her, didn't he?

He owned her, didn't he.

He explained to her the benefits
of obeying.
Her pretty face wouldn't have been
all those ungainly shades of black.
Her eyes wouldn't have been encircled by blue.
All she had to do was obey
and not tell anyone
but obey.
Her brain rebelled.

Her brain rebelled.

Her body, for once, obeyed.
She stumbled through the hallway
She knocked down her favourite frame-
Their daughter on a pony.
Kitchen, her sanctuary.
She broke her favourite China.
Hurled her utensils.
"I arranged them last week, you *****."
And then she saw them.
The knives.

The knives.

They were inviting  
Her hands were pale, waiting.
His heart corrupt, hating.
*"Knives to your left, darling."
As a sociology student, I found domestic violence  intensely intriguing and wanted to experiment with the same.
Bella Feb 2015
Everything around me is crumbling
the solidarity i once felt as a child,
has long since faded
surrounded by loved ones
yet i have never felt more alone
the things i once thought would never change
are vanishing
where did happiness go?
did i ever really feel it?
or was it all a lie
were trapped in repetition
to cloud our desperation
is there any hope for love?
because everyone is drifting apart
im left here with all these broken pieces
I cant sleep and i dont think you understand,
these wrists have no room left for scars
no blood left to bleed,
my heart has no strength left to grieve,
it only gets worse from here.
Bella Feb 2015
My body begs me for sleep
Its been days,
maybe weeks
I dont remember
I'm always shaking,
but I can't cry
cigarettes dont taste like smoke anymore, just ash
I just keep bleeding
I can't feel anything anymore
all I can do is bleed
It stopped hurting so long ago
picking my insides apart,
tearing up my veins
I keep reaching
searching for something,
or maybe someone
I keep falling,
tripping in the past,
where did you go?
I'm all alone
my arms just keep bleeding.
Bella Jan 2015
Im high as a kite
lost in all these stars
everything floating and drifting
my fingers covered in smoke
rolling off my tongue
swirling in my lungs
im so far from reality
yet,
the want for you
to be here
holding me
floods my skin.
Bella Jan 2015
Thoughts of you wander through  my head
more frequently then i would like to admit
the way your eyes caught mine
your voice, god that voice
it was like home
you are gone
gone from me forever
my heart wants you back
but my brain knows
oh it knows how you tore every piece of me apart
there are so many things i never learned
so many things you never said
i was constantly waiting to understand everything about you
do i even cross your mind?
because you have ruined mine.
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