Dizzying intoxication,
torturous obsession,
what could a fourteen-year-old know about addiction?

It never stops,
for one,
it's like an ugly mythological cyclops,
with an eye only for a prize,
wishing it had two eyes,
so it could see more of the world.

Dizzying intoxication,
torturous obsession,
hooked on clenching jaws,
riding on the high of fixing each of the wicked flaws,

Who said that this is not an addiction?
A terrifying one, but maybe they all are...
Addicted to pain of emptiness, both physical and mental,
leaving nasty scar upon nasty scar.

I regret falling to the addiction,
of sick and thin,
but like I said, I'm here to win,
so I'll succumb to addiction...

The person who always
knows when something’s the matter
But doesn’t pry because time will tell

The beauty you hold
doesn’t just come from the outside
But It is flowing within  

You have a kind heart that not everyone
Deserves to see but you show it to anyone
You think needs a pick me up

Everything you’d want in a best friend
Could be found in you
So I worry about you going away

I could never get tired of our late night talks
The ones where we just lay in the dark
Because I can tell you anything and everything

But as it turns out
Everyone has a different definition of forever
And I hate that I’m waiting to see what yours is

as you told me your worries and i stood there,
looking like a fool,
looking like someone who hasn't been through anything,
i couldn't speak.
one word responses was all i got and in this moment i wish i had read every self help ever made so i could help you.
i wanted it all to come to me,
the things you were looking for whether it be compliments,
advice,
help,

the cure.

worrying about worries that aren't mind shut everything in my body off and i'm sorry.
i wish all you dealt with was put on my shoulders,
it would break me and wear me down to the bone but i can take it if it meant you never felt this way again.

i needed air,
i needed to breathe,
i needed someone to tell me that i'm okay and i don't need to feel so anxious every morning.
for i,
i feel like crying because i'm me,
because i'm here alone,
sitting with these demons that call themselves my friends,
my gods,
my saviors.
my breath hitched rereading these words,
i felt my heart clutch,
and my brain was exploding over and over again.
i need to breathe,
not even being outside can do that anymore.

i wrote and wrote and thought and thought.
eventually i felt the tip of my nose sting and tears welled up in the corners of my eyes.
today, i don't want to blink them away.
today, i don't care if people see me and stare, whispering to their disciples asking who i am.
today, i don't care anymore.
i can't move two steps without wanting to fall to my knees.
my throat closed up and i didn't feel okay anymore.
am i destined to be like this?
is this the chemical imbalance?
is this because my mom left again?
is this the forever aftermath of three years ago?
am i not meant to be happy?
am i not meant to be okay?
is this a sign from the universe,
from your god,
from my god,
that i am not supposed to be here?