im sorry guys,
but this may be my last goodbye.
my mind cant fight anymore.
my body is starting to fall apart too.
what am i supposed to do?
im just tired.
but my mind can't rest.
my family wants me alive and to thrive,
but i don't know how.
im so sorry to everyone.
i don't even know who will read this or care.
but im tired of this and don't know what to do anymore.
maybe ill text a hotline or something idk
its the same thing everytime.
i go to the hospital,
and they treat my wounds,
and admitt me to the psych ward,
and i fake it till they let m go home.
what do i do?
everyone just says keep fighting and it will get better.
i have my blades,
and i have my ways.
why do i have to stay?
i know why i should stay but...
idk

I once never pictured myself without the affections of a man who didn't have sweet adjectives for me
A man who wouldn't describe my kisses as sweet or compare me to rivers or trees or other powerful stances in nature
A man who wouldn't romanticize me as words spoken from other men in a time long since past.
I'm an enigma, a song, a piece of angel food cake
A thought, a meaning, a purpose for these boys
I'm red lipstick on a cheek on a friday night
I'm expensive sushi and wine
I'm delightfully mentally ill in a way only they felt like they could cure
I'm a seven month relationship ending in a **** and a break up and a roll over car crash
I'm a ****** virginity with no foreplay because i uttered the word yes so softly under my breath

And i am simultaneously none of these things.
I'm a song without words strummed in your guitar, played from the heart so strongly i couldn't stop the tears from rolling down my face
I'm a girl who denied love for you when i was busy loving a boy who loved drugs so much he couldn't feel his fingers and he loved other girls with nicer bodies and hair and eyes and the comparisons between what he had and them
I'm a girl who asked you to retie my bikini string eight years ago knowing the enticement it'd make you feel

I've learned a lot to become the girl you want to sleep next to every night, and for that i thank the boys who used to love me for their lessons and teachings and letting me become someone worthy.

In times of crisis or trouble
I’m the one that keeps it together
When the world's crashing around me
I remain everybody’s tether

“Hey are you alright?”

I offer words of comfort
I tell them: ‘all will be okay’
No matter what the problem is
I have something positive to say

“You know…. its okay to be upset”

‘I’m fine’, I tell them all
When things happen in my life
Everyone around me is impressed
That I’ve overcome another strife

“Just keep hanging in there”

The truth is no one knows
That this is how I cope
I hide behind the happy mask
So I can give others hope

“You’re taking this…really well”

But somewhere along the way
I lost track of how I feel
I even tricked myself into thinking
That my happiness was real

“Are….are you sure you’re okay?”

But I can feel my façade cracking
Emotions are breaking through
I don’t have any distractions
And I don’t know what to do

“But..if you’re really okay…”

I force my smile even bigger
And laugh without knowing why
I’ll do whatever I have to do
To maintain this beautiful lie

*“…then why are you crying?”

If it wasn't for society
I think you'd like me
Confident, smart, funny
All things once found easily
now are lost
for the anxiety of what was
still haunts me
scared, lost, broken
If it wasn't for our society

He came like a tidal wave,
And engulfed me in his ocean depth.
My joy crossed all boundaries,
Happiness seared through my very being,
I found the lyrics of my love life in his arms,
We were one large heartbeat.
And when it was over,
He threw me with the surf that rolled and crashed on the shore.
It left many ripples of grief,
With me, abandoned,  a forlorn  seaweed,
Overwhelmed with bitterness and regret.