I think my life took a vacation
Didn’t give me a letter
Just a feeling of something missing
I didn’t notice for a while
Kept moving along, not thinking
To look back to make sure
Somewhere I lost all the people
Who loved me for all this time
Maybe they went away too
I know I am a lot of work
Everyone needs a break
But its been a few months
I wonder if they left for good
I guess I couldn’t blame them
I don’t want to be me either
It’s exhausting trying to love
Someone so broken
I keep praying for everything to
Return and to have missed me
But they never do
I think maybe I will give my notice
I won’t be returning

My world is sometimes a confusing place
How do you slow the thoughts when they
Suffocate the thoughts from reaching your mouth
I want to say all the things I feel but they
Cannot be put into thoughts, twists of the mind
Who is the one behind the whirlwind that rages
Through my mind, I don’t recognize this girl
She is quiet, a mute ghost of the real me
How can I know the real me?
I am a patchwork of women
The hurt ones, the broke, the happy, the mix of me
That cannot be explained by words
Language is never enough for me
How many must I learn to describe the way I feel
After a glass of wine, I text him
To miss someone, an impossible task
Will someone slow the world so I can think
People become one into the grasp
A tipped can of moments that I cannot tell you
So many memories that can’t be remembered  
Teach me the words

The night that we stood on those steps I begged for an explanation that I wasn't going to get. Spending months searching for the answers in the sky that I could only find from you didn't teach me how I would have to accept that I was never going to find those answers even with me staring you in the face. I've spent too much time sweeping those feeling under the rug until there wasn't any room for the dust that was your memory. I worried about forgetting you but what scared me more is that I was feeling you forget me and it stung a little more everyday. That night, you told me you were "sorry for everything" but I wasn't sure if you knew what everything was and I wonder if to this day you have any idea what everything actually meant. I ask myself what you imagined when you though about "everything" you were sorry for and I wonder if it included me searching for you at the bottom of bottles only to find that I would forget my own name before I could ever forget yours. I wonder if you knew the kind of damage you had caused but then I realized that you never turned around to check. You lived your life through the rear view mirror and so I wondered what would come of the mess that you left behind but then I realized that that mess was me. I had been the cities that you ran down and the buildings that were abandoned. After that night I started to befriend my sadness and I watched my self destruction set in as I listened to you say you loved me for the last time. If I had known it was the last time I was hearing it I would have asked you to say it again to scream it to whisper it to sing it, to mean it. If I knew this was the last time you would look at me the way you did when I realized I was so desperately in love with you I would have stayed a little longer. Since that night, I have yet to hear a sound that is sweeter than the way you spoke and I have yet to see a sight that is more beautiful than the way your eyes lit up under the street lights. That night I knew that the streets would remember our footsteps so I walked a little slower. Now, when I see those streets I notice that the rain has washed out foot prints away and I find that our imprints were only temporary. And when I felt your heart beat I found that it would only beat for me for the remainder of the night so I tried to hold on I tried to memorize the palpation but I'm afraid I've lost it somewhere within the parts of me you tore down. When that night was over I realized I left you with parts of me I thought I needed and I questioned how I could go on without you. When I tried to forget you I forgot who I was along the way and I couldn't win. That night I stood on those steps and I looked into the eyes of someone I thought I knew I rested my worries into the hands of someone I thought I trusted and I let you tear down my walls even though I knew I wouldn't never be strong enough to rebuild them. I can only imagine what you must have thought when you watched parts of me fall through the floor boards of vacant houses and disappear into the universe and I wonder if you can admit to yourself that you took away my armor and sent me into battle with nothing but scrap metal. I hope that when you look back to the night on those steps that you remember the way I fought for you and I hope you can see that I haven't fought for anything since that night.
When I tried to turn my back to you and run I could only find myself walking, thinking that maybe you'd catch up to me someday. Spending months of waiting up for you to come around only taught me that'd I'd be walking forever so I learned to pace myself, because I'd be walking for a long time.

When I heard his voice
Crack on the phone
I knew
I knew by the burning in
My chest, the tingling in
My fingers numbing

How your whole world
Can change in one phone
Call how was I supposed to
Know I had to fight

The appeal was the ease maybe
I was naive to think you could
Be everything I wanted
And also never leave me

My therapist told me today
I have abandonment issues
So why do you think I begged

What else can I do when everyone
Else leaves me to not expect
You would too

You scared me, yeah
But more than that I had flashbacks
To days where the only thing I
Could say was screaming into
A yellow pillow

I skipped a class this morning to
Hide my swollen eyes
I don’t know if they are staring
But it sure feels like it

There is no better word than
P a n i c

I felt my entire rib ate detatch
From me, it float around my body
Scraping my skin from the inside

My bitten fingernails can’t
Scratch my skin but if they
Could I would be just muscle and
Blood vessel

You don’t know how much you
Need someone until they want
To walk away

Please I said
Please don’t leave me
Everyone leaves me
You promised
You wouldn’t be the one who hurt me
You promised
Please don’t give up
Don’t give up on me please
Why can’t you say you love me
I love you
I don’t want to lose you
Please
Please
Baby please I love you
Do you still love me?
Why aren’t you saying anything

make yourself sick
become sick, head and body
wear your family's regret like
a badge of honor
make them sick themselves with worry
hold your father's sadness between
skinless fingers  
kiss the wrong boy and then another
kiss them until they leave
watch people die without a goodbye
fail and cry because it will not lead to success
hide your tears behind wine glasses
develop an addiction and another
hide the liquor bottles
run into class late for the forth time this week
wear ***** clothes instead of doing laundry
forget to eat for days
stare at the moon and sun and stars
feel so distant from the world

then you can write

Do you remember the sunset
When we were sprawled across
The wooden beach furniture
You held me, kissed my head
Whispered into my ear
"Lets have *** on the beach"
I smiled into your kiss
He wondered months later why
I cried every night of vacation
But, he doesn't know you and me
Spent our last night in love
Toes in the sand and a joint
Passed back and forth
You couldn't stop touching me
Every part of me, inside of me
Turning my stomach into knots
I melted for you
How can I tell him that the
Ocean will always be ours
You left a week after we drove
Back in the dark
The sea salt smell fading
You stopped looking at me
With stars in your eyes
So, yeah I cry when I see the
Sunset over pale sand
And I can't tell him why