Maybe this is as happy as I'll ever be
Maybe I'll be happy with someone who
doesn't make my skin feel like its on fire
But one who makes me feel like a warm
blanket is wrapped around my shoulders

Maybe I'll be happy with the guy who
pick me up from the bar instead of the one
I'll have to drive home high out of his mind

But what is happy really?
When I was with him my happy was like
bursting flames, my happy was adventurous
and emotion brewing, fights, screaming, and
make-up ***

So, maybe there's just two kinds of happy and
the happy I am now is a comfortable happy
A happy that maybe I can spend the rest of my life
being and I hope he finds a happy he wants to spend
the rest of his life being

Maybe this is as happy as I'll ever be, and maybe he'll
never be happy, at least he wasn't with me

Last night you told me
something I've waited
8 months to hear
You said you were sorry
for hurting me and that
you missed me too
You told me how much
you regret how we ended
our relationship
You asked for me back
I missed kissing you more
than anything in the world
It was just as passionate as
the day you left
When I begged to kiss you
one last time before you go

And then I woke up  
When will I stop dreaming
of you my love?

Enthralled by your significance
and the way you are and aren’t
all at once.
And the way I am and am not
when you hold my hands.
Did you know that your hands
are like small houses for the
unsightly curves of me.
You smell like the sound of a
front door at 5:31 and music
that makes me forget I’m driving.
Your existence is not my purpose
but believe it or not I find some in
the thought of sleeping with you
and your warm feet.
Everyone leaves but I hope God
knows that you can’t.
You can’t leave because I will leave
and become am not again.
I want to be am but sometimes am
is too much. When you aren’t and I
am not we can be that small part
of the quiet that is and isn’t.
Maybe your eyes are brown but
your smile is green in the iris
of your gaze.
I never wanted to say hello so much.  
So hello.

you told me once
that i absentmindedly
wrap my hands around
you when you change.

like an instinct to hold
you. it makes sense
now that you slipped
out of my grasp so
easily.

my mind, my hands
knew something
before i did.

that you would leave
and never come back.

i miss the feeling of
wrapping my hands
around you the most.

I didn't write for months
Maybe I was happy
The boy with pretty curls
And soft words

A lack of inspiration
In a calm heart
Like echoing silence
Resonating to my bones

His eyes are so warm,
I am safe and secure

And hollow
Do I want to feel pain?
Or maybe just something

I don't trust the quiet
When the reverberating
Of sobs still shake in my dreams

I see a car on campus
Maybe it is the boy that went
Of course not though

The rough drafts of my poems
Are not full of our love story

But the one I can't stop telling
I don't miss the pain
But inspiration that flowed
From finger tips bitten raw

I stopped writing for months
And no one saw
Cause happy me is just me
With a silence where the screams
Used to sleep

I’d slit my arms open for you
Let the blood soak the wood
Watch it spread like you did
When you were sleepy and
My bed was just too comfy

Every drop of blood I have
I’ll pour in glasses across the
Counter-tops you used to kiss
Me on top of at seven a.m.

I don’t need the pumping in
My chest if you are not here to
Hear it beat against your temples
In the middle of the night
When I’m sick and you don’t sleep
To check my fever every hour

What’s the point in blood if my
Heart is still in the backseat
Of your car, next to the shoes
I forgot to get after the beach

If it would bring you back
I would deal with the cold of
Uncirculated skin and freezing
Lungs holding their breathe until
You say you love me again

Fill your limbs with my bleeding
Take it all and warm your
Mind with the feeling of me
Back in your arms, through all my
Essence I don’t need without you

My fingers unlaced your skin like ribbon,
flowing warm satin down my palms into spine

When you pulled me closer, your hands
became part of my hips, unmovable

The way your thigh was an extension of my
clenched fist and my legs and yours tied in
a messy bow,
cold feet and scalding chests
and fixed jaws

In a singular moment from you changing
to my back against the wall and vague texts
canceling dinner plans

We could not go out when we were more
conjoined twin than happy couple
the only double date that night was our lips
exchanging moans

Maybe tomorrow night we will see friends