Sitting in the corner of a room. Your smile   hanging. The   bully   pasted by  with their fists in the air. Your vision cloudy. Thoughts   left   true.  Thoughts of   broken   clotted memories yo tried to block out. The   night you tried to  forget  your  pain. staring down a rope.  It feels  like  everybody  is against you. your mind pointed you to    hell . A  strong feeling. Your sick of the bully beating you. You go to your parents seeking a listening    ear., but they don't care. your fingers cross a gun. Rolling the thought through your head. "Does anyone really  care?" You   pushed  the  wish of death off for a little longer. Your   hand  is covered in scars, scars of self harm. It makes you  sick. Your heart is pounding. A single tear rolls down your face. You think to yourself "Ill be  doing  everyone a favor, never to be seen again." You shut out the thought and run outside. Rain hitting the pavement. You try to talk yourself out of the idea. Swinging your head back and forth. The  rain drops cover your tears, but your eyes say the whole truth.  You take a step back. You run inside. Your body   hurts . Your   eternal self tells you to take some pain pills. You take more than you should. You lock yourself in your bedroom. Thinking of your memories as a    kid. Your mother and father in the next room see the pill bottle on the floor. Spilled out, and the gun lying next to it. They come running, and bang on your door. You walk your groggy body over to your closet and close the door. Your   waiting for the pills to work..and overdose you. Your    chest is burning. You are handling more than you can deal with. You stand up and open the door. Dissy. You fall over leaving a blow to the door. Your father breaks open the door. He sees your lifeless body on the ground.  Him and your  mother praying you're alive. She runs and calls 911. You are dead. Your father knows and tells your mother. She falls to the ground screaming and crying. You mother runs into the bathroom and grabs the gun. She falls to the ground with a single bang  Your fathers eyes widen. He knows what has just happend. The parametics arrive and so does the police. The life of a father has been destroyed and left to wonder. *Where did I go wrong?

Recently I have not been eating
I like how it feels
Wasting away
I want to become so frail that I sway in the wind
And disappear like the little burs from dandelions
Yesterday the cold infected my bones
and numbed my fingers
The icesicles in the air scraped my lungs,
But I liked it
Am I a ******* or am I
Mentally ill?
My suicide note is starting to resemble
The coffee I obsessively drink,
And the ink on my skin fading along with my chances
With him
The only way you're ever going to make a difference is if
Your name is in a textbook and children
Are popping bubbles and sticking the gum
In the pages
Is there a part of me that wants to hold onto life?
Why else would I write down my intentions?
If I was completely set on ending things
I would not need to write them down
They would fester in my mind comfortably
But these thoughts seem to fit very awkwardly
Inside my head
Then again,
What's the point in waiting?

My room is quiet
Blue curtains block out the world that lurks just outside
Waiting to hurt me.
8 pm.
I know that purple dusk is gathering outside my walls
The same way the bruises in my heart threaten to eclipse the sun.
I'm scared.
I don't look at the veins showing under my skin because they
Remind me too much of the indigo, under-oxygenated blood
That spills too often from my arms,
Reminds me of my father's face purple with rage
When I told him I didn't think I was supposed to be
In this body, wear these clothes, be this gender.
9pm. Navy skies peppered with stars I will not see again
Purple pen writing apologies to my parents
Heart pumping indigo, under-oxygenated blood too fast,
Knows it doesn't have much time,
Can't breathe, face purple, face blue,
Can't breathe, dark vision, indigo stars,
Can't breathe.

I'm still waiting for this hurt to go away. I'm waiting for the day when I can look in the mirror and not want to shatter it. For the day that I can go to a store with turning to every mirror and looking at my body, utterly disgusted. I'm waiting for the day where I don't want to take the silver pen that draws in red to my skin. I thought it was here.. I thought I was better. I was eating normally. But then is tried on the scale.. What an evil thing. A ruiner. When will I get off this track? I'm growing tired of this journey. But maybe I'll fly off it before I have the chance to hope off onto safe groun-

Good morning.
The sun is shining.
And you are in the clouds.
Welcome home.

I want to have dipped my fingertips into eternity and fingerpainted my heart with it.
2. I want to have shoved my fingers down my throat enough times to rid myself of self-hatred.
3. I want to nail the palms of my hands to the Big Dipper. I want to sleep among the stars, and allow their light to cover me like thick blankets. I'd like to learn the simplicity of the galaxy's effortless beauty.
4. I would like to create a vaccination to save children from the growing plague we call "adulthood."
5. I would like to create a vaccination to save adults from it, too.
6. I want to fill syringe after syringe with glitterglue and stab them so far into my veins that my heart becomes a disco ball.
7. I want to become the temple that you come to to pray.
8. I want to become what I will be without fighting to the finish line, and I want a canopy of fireflies hanging from the bone of my skull.
9. I want you to tell me that you are in love with my ears, so I can cut one off, become Vincent Van Gogh and make you miss my ear like I miss the twinkle in your eyes when you tell me you love me.
10. I want every freckle on my skin to become small islands you can lose yourself on.
11. I want to change the views on "skinny" and "fat" and remind the girl made of only bone that once upon a time I was made of only bone too. Then, I found cupcakes.
12. I want to spin the world upside down and yell "Look ma! No happiness!"
13. I want to pass on my DNA and create something that I am actually proud of for once.
14. I want to make my life worth more than just a poem, or a picture, or a forgotten memory.
15. I want to stop the hands on a clock from ticking past midnight to preserve the saying "There's always tomorrow!", because once that clock strikes twelve another tomorrow will be gone.
16. Most importantly, I want to have filled the hole in me with something other than ***.

And I want to fill the hole in you with something other than half-fulfilled broken dreams.

when he said, "this is
my note, after all, thats
what people do, right?
leave a note?" my heart
completely caved
      >     in.    <

when my teacher said
that a lot of people
commit suicide due to
bullying or because they
feel unaccepted,
i raised my hand to
speak up about the
facts.


the true facts.

how more than half of the
homeless teenage population
are gay. they were kicked out
by their mums and dads.

how its not just the
bullying, how its
them too.

they feel so alone and
we always wonder why
there is a new name in
the paper saying,
"Suicide--Age --"
and yet because of
someone being p    u s h  e       d
to                                                      far

it made them take
their own life.

i wish i could stop
suicides,
i wish for once
i could be the one who
closed the door on
death.

but im no rolemodel,
i always let death
back in.

but that doesnt mean i
wont help you take
him out.