Submit your work, meet writers and drop the ads. Become a member
olivia grace Aug 2018
I never saw it coming

I only saw a happy ending, a fairytale that I was lucky enough to receive

But as we sat on my bed that night, the memories flooded to my head and heart

"I don't want to lead you on any longer" says the man who I had envisioned children with, had written vows for

How foolish of me, we were only 21

I think back to the day I tried to get you to go to Mexico, and you told me you couldn't commit to a trip with me so far away

Yet I had committed my whole entire life to you
My children were yours

I begin to realize how pathetic that is
That I would place my future in your hands
That I would place my future in yours

And that you would place your future far away from me, creating a life of your own where I did not exist

How strange it can be to be living in the same time zone, and yet experience different realities

Perhaps there is a parallel universe where I am exactly what you need

And I am the one who is leaving you behind
olivia grace Mar 2018
the other night, I read my love poems about you from somewhere in the distant past
I read the words of desperate love back to myself, but somehow they were unfamiliar
I do not remember writing them
I do not remember the person I used to be when I was with you

I got to a line, it read
“there’s no place i’d rather be, than here with…”
I couldn’t read the next word, a tear had blurred the ink

It was then that I realized I was sobbing
The pages flooded, overflowing with emotions I had forgotten were there
Soon, the whole notebook was ruined
A boat filling with water and I don’t have a bailer

My words about you blurred, ruined by a tsunami of tears that had no warning of showing up
My body did not warn me to take shelter or to tie down my belongings

I slip into my old heart, the room that I had been avoiding
The locked door has busted open from the storm
My body rocks, shakes, as if it is finally trying to rid me of you

I cling to this heart space, memories clouding my vision like fog on the highway
I’m only able to see what is right in front of me and right now that is you
But you look unfamiliar
Your voice is one I have never heard
My words repeat back to me over and over but they sound like a language I do not understand

I force myself to open my eyes, as if I’m trying to awaken myself from a nightmare
I get up and I light a candle

I set the flooded ship away into the ocean of forgotten
olivia grace Aug 2017
Part 1: The making of a big man

1. I feel small beside him. I’m a cloak of pride that he wears; when asked where he bought it, he claims to have made it himself. I’ve become so comfortable being worn by him that I no longer know how to wear myself when he isn’t around.

2. When asked a question, I know what the answer is; but I’ve been trained to look at him for confirmation in my response.

3. I’ve become quiet. When my mother asks why I have let him take my voice box out of my throat, I respond with a roar. The only time I speak up is to defend his honour.

4. I’ve become frail. I shrunk myself to make him feel big. A result of him ordering salads for me at restaurants; I can tell the waitress looks at me with disdain. I do not look back at her. She doesn’t know one thing about making a man happy.

5. I ignore the texts, the calls. The tinder notifications. When I do bring them up, I speak kindly. I take the blame for not ******* him off enough, of course he needs to seek it elsewhere. But please don’t do it again? (He does. I begin to choose my battles with this one).

6. I no longer fit into my jeans. He tells me it’s a good thing; they’re easier to take off that way.

7. I cry. I cry, and let him hold me, to make him feel like he is fixing me. I tell him that he’s holding me together. I tell him that it’s everything else, never him. He’s like a toddler squishing an ant: what are good intentions become fatal all too soon.

8. He cries. I hold him to feel like I am fixing him. I feel like I am holding him together. He tells me that it’s me, that he feels trapped. I’m like a leech on his arm: what is nourishing me is draining him.

9. He is so big. I am so small that he forgets that I am there. I have done my job. I leave in the middle of the night, he doesn’t notice that the bed is empty. My imprint was so little that he rolls over to my side, where I should have been, and snores.

10. I am small beside him. I am small without him. When he made me feel small, he made me small, when he made me feel weak, he made me weak, when he robbed me of my voice box, I lost my voice. He grew.

Part 2: The making of a strong woman
1. I feel whole beside you. I’m a cloak of pride that you wear; when asked where you bought it, you give credit to me.o

2. When asked a question, I speak clearly and honestly. I never look at you for confirmation.

3. I’ve become outspoken. My mother tells me that I must have found my voice box. I tell her you removed the lock.

4. I’ve become strong. I stand beside you in equal proportions. You make me mac and cheese for dinner and I lick the spoon.

5. I **** you off all the time. Because I want to.

6. I bought a whole new wardrobe. I don’t ask for your opinion. Your friends compliment me and you tell them you love what I wear.

7. I cry. I cry, and you cry, and you hold me. You are holding me together, you are gluing me back together with your tears. You are like the binding of a book: holding together a masterpiece, while still allowing the book to open.

8. You cry. I hold you, and we sail off into the night. Your tears are the ocean, my arms are the steering wheel.

9. You are so wonderful. Your presence is all-encompassing, and I feel all encompassed in love. When I leave the bed to go ***, you ask me where I’m going. The only time you roll to my side of the bed is to wrap me in your arms.

10. I’ve grown, and so have you. You’ve put me on a cloud, and I’ve put you on a throne. Your words have blossomed flowers in my lungs. I’m golden. I am loved. I am love.
olivia grace Jun 2015
that song you wrote is beautiful
it hurt a bit to listen to, but it's beautiful
2. I wish it could have worked out for us - maybe in a different lifetime
3. I hope you find someone as amazing as you are
you deserve someone who understands you
4. I'll always love you
I am only realizing that now
but even while I'm in love with someone else
you have taken a piece of me
5. move
get away from here as fast as you can
go be successful
6. you have the most amazing hands
let them do the work
7. your words have always been better than mine
please use them for good and not evil
I'm trying to do the same thing
olivia grace Jun 2015
the rest of our lives is a very long time

are you sure you want to be with me all that time?
are you sure that you want to kiss only my ******* for the rest of your life?
I have a hard time believing that you will never kiss another person again

not because I don't trust you, but because I can't imagine someone wanting only me for the rest of their life
only me

it's a strange concept to me, I can't seem to grasp it

that I am enough for you
that I am enough of a person, that I give you enough love, enough satisfaction
enough *******

because you are more than enough for me
I find it unfair that I only get one lifetime with you

I would find you in any lifetime
olivia grace Jun 2015
i have never woken up at 4:45 a.m. just to drive someone across town
2. but i would drive across town at any hour of the day to see you
3. your smile is the most wonderful thing in the world
4. seriously, you smile like the city lights
5. you are my city - i could draw a map of you (my location would be at the heart)
6. i thought i had loved before i met you. i now know i haven't. i now know what people mean when they refer to their significant other as their "better half"
7. you make all of the numbers good ones
8. i have never been looked at with such eyes as yours. i feel wanted. it's nice.
9. don't ever leave me
if you have do, please dig me a grave
10. i don't want to live without you
it's pathetic, i know
but i would be a dead girl walking if you ever stopped looking at me the way you do
11. thank you
12. i'm bad with words, speaking them, at least
olivia grace Nov 2013
i have not tried to crash my car in nearly three weeks,
so i guess you could say i'm doing better.
my mind sometimes refuses to resist
the need for liquor that my body screams.
my lips are constantly searching for yours;
with every bottle i press against them,
i can never seem to find yours.
all of my jeans are too big now,
my ribs are prominent and my collarbones
sticking out like they are misplaced on my body.
i guess a diet of popcorn and stale cigarettes will
do that to you.
i find myself constantly tempting fate in the worst ways possible,
in a desperate yearning
to find you again.
i have gone absolutely mad from missing you.
i write poem after poem,
they are all unfinished.
hours later, i will read my words,
repelled at how they fail to do what i want them to.
i still sleep on the left side of the bed,
refusing to touch your side in fear that i will wake you up.
i swear sometimes i will wake up to the sound of you in the shower,
and then realize it's simply
the rain battering at my window,
mocking me.
i remember asking my mother
three weeks after the accident:
"will i ever laugh again?"
"of course you will sweetie,
when something is really, really funny"
that was the first and only time my mother ever lied to me,
and i know she didn't mean to
because she genuinely thought it to be true.
two years, three months and fifteen days have passed.
some things are really, really funny.
i do not laugh.
i only feel guilty that you are not there to laugh
with me.
Next page