I made a deal with my depression that if it left me alone I wouldn’t question it’s obsession with the pain that I hold..
I feel it must’ve missed the message lately it’s been constantly calling me, cursing me -
Telling me it hurts to breathe, I’m tired but I’m awake afraid of dreams that reoccur while I am asleep.
It says I’m weak and no one loves me, I’m just a burden to bare on everybody that I care about and I’d be better off dead.
Says ‘it’s okay to be a quitter, remember last time you tried?’
I thought for half a second and before I could reply
‘That’s what I thought’ it cut me off ‘you sit in one place going nowhere just spinning your wheels - you would love to buy a boat but wont, always wanted your own house but nowhere ever felt like home, you love her but she’ll never know it, so what?—admit it she’s better off being kept in the dark ..then again you never know, she might need laugh at the expense of your heart.
You lazy wishful waste of bones, my god, you’re such a joke and even if it’s you she choose that would go to show that love you hold is just a lie - would you respect her while she says she loves you?
No—I assure you that
the love you felt would surely die.’
‘Why wont you just leave me be?’ I asked and begged for mercy
Without a moment passing depression laughed at last it hurt me.
‘I’m not even real —it’s you that you’ve been hurting.’
Grabbing for my medicine seen my sight was getting blurry
‘You took too much - remember now? Ignoring me wasn’t working. I was all that you had left - making deals with me instead of facing facts - regrets you just left to fester. Crying you tried but that’s a lie only you would buy still vain enough attempt to protect it. Always looking to blame and push peers away - then victimize your own demise like somehow a lack of love or not enough affection was reason for your grand escape - when it was you who failed to mention, you needing help your pride was beyond this intervention. Now there’s no one to blame, too late for a change - as you reach for your phone now you’re practically dead- dial 911 for attention. Tell them it’s me, i made you believe that life was wasted on you- put the pills in your hand told you take them—‘
“911 what is your emergency?”
With half a breath left the last thing i said
I then awoke alone, in my bed the voice now gone.
Relief for the dream as real as it seemed was just that same old dream.
No need to be alarmed, I’m up now - get ready for another day of mindless work, turn on a lamp and light a smoke-forget the fact the power’s overdue. Ash my cigarette atop a stack of boating magazines i acquired as a muse - thoughts of my boss cross my mind (that ****) just bought a yacht brand new doesn’t know how much I do. If I wasn’t there they’d be so *******, no one can do what i do. Drop my smoke in last nights last glass of rye and make my way to my mirror where I contemplate a shave. Stubble is fine, i just wet my face and skip the soap. Gargle a bit of no name Scope in hopes it hides the smell of whiskey, nicotine but mostly just my shame.
Make my way to a bus i cannot miss. Sit three seats away from this girl i see each day. I’m half awake and always rushed and so i never ask her name. Looking down at a broken phone trying to wrap my head around this weather. If it rains it seems i always forget my **** umbrella then again the sun might shine a bit to bright while of course i forgot my shades - and just watch, you’ll see, later it will be way too warm to wear this sweater.
She usually does crosswords - she’s so pretty and smart
A moment to catch my breath and thoughts this is where she gets off, that means the next stop is my stop
Smile, single file three get off i wait so i am last - the first guy makes the same bad joke everyday i fake a laugh - step out on the sidewalk make my way to make a buck. Another day like everyday before it - repeats so i feel stuck.
I tell myself my luck will change as long as i put up - with all these friendly faces counting down the days till payday - tinker with the idea i might get away for a couple nights take in some sights unseen
Knowing that i never will but its a nice warm thought to think.
Made it through a monday with hope infatuation meets my eye - on the bus back to my place although I’ve never seen her ride on my afternoon commute. Still, i felt a familiar pang of hope today she might then for sure i could finally introduce myself.
Disappointment as we fly past her stop - I’m always so busy. Too busy for love. Never enough time, and time is a cost i can not afford while i walk a couple of blocks to corner store internally *******. Alone in my thoughts about all that I’m missing. Pick up my brand of smokes they went up, can’t buy a magazine thanks to prices they want - still have a bottle back up in my flat. I suppose that can wait now ill make my way back. All the while i keep wondering why, cigarettes cost so much - it’s a plant thats dried up. Alone back at home i turn on some tunes look out the window to stare, it will do even my radios antenna is in need of repair. They don’t make em like they used to i quip to myself - drink until I forget the fact that I’m afraid to sleep -
And that’s why a while back
I made a deal with my insomnia, if it let me unwind I’d only pop a couple pills a night but i find nowadays it all seems foggy like I’m losing my mind - weather hasn’t changed since I can’t recall, the bus and those who ride it also all are the same.
Anxiety is racing now my hearts beating fast - grab a glass a water a drink it all back. Look in to the mirror and close my eye to forget.
This is where i live now.
Forever this is it.