Joliver

Joliver Feb 2022

I don't know how
To move past pain
It ends
And I create more
In the end
I'm not sure I deserve
A lack of suffering
And so I manufacture it
I fantasize about my suffering
And perhaps more telling
That others believe it
To be a just and
Good thing
I imagine myself
Beaten and bloodied
And getting up
To receive more
Never staying down
Never dying
Never healing
Just throwing myself into pain
Again and again
What is wrong with me?

I'm sorry

Joliver Feb 2022

I Don't Want

"I don't want
to die alone"
I can't help but think
As the world collapses around me

"I don't want
to leave this world
before I leave my mark"
As if the mark would be preserved
In the wake of the oncoming end

"I don't want
my first love
to be my last"
As my heart retreats inward
Further and further
From it all

"I don't want
to forget"
As my life blurs
Into monotony
And dread

"I don't want
to exist"
And yet
Here I remain

Joliver May 2021

Lovely Lesson

How do I reconcile
The joy of learning
To love myself
After all those years of hate
With the fear
That loving me is a lesson
Only I can learn

I'm comfortable and confident in my own skin these days, but I feel so alone

#love #hate #fear

Joliver Feb 2021

Outlook

No more dreams
For me
I've overindulged
My ever onward-looking heart
And so now
I'll simply drift
From day to day
Until I wash up upon the shore
Of my lifes destiny
Wherever
And whatever
It may be

Joliver Dec 2020

Muse

I feel you there
Know you now
And my bed becomes
A haven against the cold
So I close my eyes
And nestle into your adoring frame
While the warmth of strings
And the echoing droplets
Of ivory keys
Fall on lovesick ears
And comfort our soul
As our breaths rise and fall
In the sweetest of synchronies

Nevertheless, you were never really here

#love #warm #content #happy #dream

Joliver Nov 2020

Love Life

I've fallen in love with life
Over and over
But I don't know how to make it last
I can't make it last
Loving life is hard
It takes everything I have
And I am just so tired of giving
And giving
And giving
And not knowing if tomorrow
It will have been worth the price

#love #life #regret #depression

Joliver May 2020

Thunderstorm

Someone once told me
That thunderstorms were a frightening event
A dread that aches to the bone
Yet,
For me,
They're a soothing lullaby
A rumbling breath beneath the patter
Of a million sweet droplets
But now
Before I close my eyes
And roll into that soothing cascade
My mind always drifts to her
And I hope that my
Comforting cacophony
Has not come at the cost
Of a nightmare