Don't forget toast.
The burnt bread forbidden in dorms.
It is not the thing we miss most.
but not having it goes against the norms.

a toast to all of you, a toast to us.
We've been through a whole lot this year.
I can't find a rhyme that words with "us"
We've made it this far without turning to beer.

Its been a hard year, that is true.
But I love each and every one of you.

You are my best friend.
I never want to hurt you.
I love you.
I can't keep things from you.
I am afraid of what I have to say.
I am in love with you.
I hate it. I hate that I feel that way.
I feel like I am betraying you for feeling that way.
I realized it when you left.
I cried when you left, because I missed you in ways I couldn't understand.
I realized it later that night.
I love you, and I am in love with you.
You have changed my life, in ways you can never understand.
You taught me how to feel again.
You taught me how to talk about feelings again.
You taught me how to write about feelings again.
You made me realize everything wrong with me.
You made me realize that it wasn't all my fault.
You gave me a reason to want to be better.
You made me want to be better for myself, not out of greed or spite or some false belief that I needed to be stronger than everyone else.
You became my best friend.
You loved me. I loved you.
You made me feel happy, genuinely happy, something that I didn't really think I could still feel.
You let me cry in your car.
You trusted me. I trust you.
Because of that, because of all that you have done for me, I have the capacity to be in love.
I am in love with you.
I hate it.
I know you don't want that.
I know that you don't want to hear this.
I am too afraid to say it to your face.
I am too afraid that I won't get through it all.
I am too afraid that this will hurt you, that it will destroy your trust in me, That you will hate me.
I understand how you feel, about not wanting to ruin a friendship with your feelings.
I am afraid that I would not be able to be your friend without telling you the truth.
the ugly, painful, horrible truth.
I love you more than I can express.
I don't want this to change things between us.
I know it will.
I want to be your friend. I don't want to be in love with you.
Right now I am.
I am so sorry.

"I must not fear. Fear is the mind killer."
There is one though that has been on my mind.
One thing I must say, but I am afraid.
"Fear is the little death that brings total obliteration"
The uncertain outcome,
the possibilities of failure, rejection, and pain,
plague my every moment.
" I will face my fear"
I need to, it is holding me back.
It is stopping me from being the person
that you taught me to be.

Never at a normal hour,
or a scheduled time,
each one has a certain power
that leaves me with a mountain to climb.

It matters not, who calls who.
Each one draws on too long,
Because I don't want to hang up on you.
Each one makes me feel wrong.

The hard truth remains
I'm too afraid to say
that  my feelings toward you have changed.

For the longest time I thought love songs were a waste of time.
They were just chord progressions and a repeated rhyme,
A simple formula with no variation, each one the same.
That all changed, and you are to blame.
Love songs make sense to me now.
I wish I had known how.
Love songs make sense, the feelings they contain are true.
Every time I hear one, I can't help but think of you.

There are many things I want to say to you.
Many things I decided to not say.
Many things I have lied about, and blatantly ignored.
Tonight, as I sit alone, in a place I hate
Just drunk enough to hurt, but not enough to go running to you,
I am going to say them.
Tonight, In this poem, I will say what I need to say.
First and foremost: I Love you.
Captain, I love you.
You watched me struggle on these words.
I choked on the truth, and you were there.
You begged me to not love you that way.
You asked me what I meant.
We both know what I meant.
It hurt me so much, when you begged me to not love you that way.
I thought I could love you the way you wanted.
I want to love you the way you want me to.
I can't.
Captain, I am helplessly and completely in love with you.
I love you, and I am in Love with you.
Capital L love.
The kind of love that people dream about.
The kind of love that everyone wants to find.
The kind of love that made me feel.
The kind of love that made me not run from feelings.
the same kind of love that made me return to where I am now.
In a very bad place, to confront things I wanted to run from.
The only reason I am here because I love you more than I care about me.
I realize how dumb and stupid that is.
I don't care.
Captain, I love you so much.
I didn't realize how much,
until you walked out that door.
that last minute together, after all we had been through that week.
When you hugged me
Said "see ya, failure!" and walked on out.
I knew then and there what I wanted to do.
Instead I sat back down, and thought about how much I would miss you.
I wanted to run out after you
Yell the truth at you, as you walked away,
towards your friends as you left me for two weeks.
Yell that I love you, that it is the way you hate.
the way you weren't ready for.
I wanted to run after you and kiss you.
I did not, because I didn't want to hurt you.
I missed you before you left.
I missed the you that sat in your room one Saturday night
and without saying a thing to me sobbed into my shoulder
I dont miss the crying, I miss the you that I held.
The you that fell asleep on me in your car.
The you that would drag me out into the cold and the snow
Just because one of us needed to talk about feelings.
I missed the you that invited me into your room Sunday morning
And held my hand as you cried,
and then made it out of bed, only to end up curled against me.
Leaning on my chest as I held you, and told you again and again that I love you.
The you that, in that situation, said you loved me too,
but only because I didn't want anything more from you.
I do want more.
There are two reasons I didn't tell you.
One: you said yourself you weren't going to be in a relationship for a very long time.
Two: I was afraid that I would lose you over something I wasn't sure of.

I have missed you every single day we have been apart.
It hurts a little bit more every day.

You want to know what hurts me even more Captain?
What you did to me yesterday.
After I told you I loved you,
After you begged me to not love you that way,
After you said you weren't going to date for a long time.
After you said you really missed me.
You decided to start dating him.
Without ever even telling me anything.
You decided to start dating him.
instead of telling me you told me I had to go deal with your roommate because she was upset about what you did.  
Because you didn't want to deal with her.
You broke my heart over a text message, telling me to go take care of your roommate.
You are the only person I have ever loved, and you knew that.
You knew how I felt. and you ripped out my still beating heart, held it in front of you, and then tore it in half.
I cried.
I cried over you.
I cried because I loved you.
It hurt me so badly.
I cried to our friends.
I was so distraught that I could not go on.
And I still didn't tell them about you.
What you had done.
Because I still love you.
I put all of the blame, all of the reason I am where I am now. On me
It isn't on me.
You broke my heart.
You showed me I still had one.
You showed me how to care, and how to feel.
You did all that, and then you broke it.
And I am still mad at myself for it.
I hate myself for wanting you.