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John Oct 6
Every time we met, it was a starless night.
Each one moments, of fresh excitement,
and giddy delight.
Now that it's over I feel little more than fright.
Now I must take flight,
into another starless night.
John Sep 23
what is it exactly I want to say?
Do I want to just be mad?
To be mean, and hurtful and spiteful?
Just because I was hurt, and scared?
Do I want to confess things I've kept hidden just because I feel time is running out?
Do I want things to change?
Do I honestly think it could be better?
Would it make me happier?
Should I really focus on myself?
what would that even be?
Do I want her, or do I want that feeling?
Do I just want someone to care about me as much as I care about her?
How can I tell her without hurting her?
Does it matter if I hurt her?
John Sep 10
I am scared.
I am sad, and angry, and confused, but worst of all
I am scared.

I remember everything. Each late night, and early morning.
The texts back and forth between classes, and lunches in the sub.

I remember every word. Every painful confession,
every fearful concern, and the reassurances from each other.

I remember how much it hurt.
I remember how much I cared, and how much you meant.
I remember how bad things were before.

I am scared, that when you leave, it'll get that bad again.
You'll be gone.
I'll be here.

I want to ask you to stay, I know I can't.
I want to tell you how much its going to hurt me, but I can't.
You do need to do this. It's probably the right thing to do.
It is going to ******* ****.
It's an expiration date on friendship.
I never wanted that.
It's going to ****, and I'm going to miss you.
John Sep 7
Like the gears in a watch,
Twisted too far to the right,
The tension inside
Keeps me up at night.

Like a rubber band,
Pulled far back,
I feel ready to snap,
let go of control and crash land.

The things that bend me out of shape,
The things that tear me apart,
Are things that are between you and me,
clutching at my heart.

Like a bag of chips, ripped open,
I fall apart,
making a mess.
For once something, I didn't start
John Aug 29
Who was it, when you were terrified and afraid about leaving him?
Your horrible boyfriend, who took years of your life from you?
Who talked to you night after night, hour after hour, in the cold and dark and rain and ice and snow?
Who worked so hard to convince you that you weren't a monster?
Who spent hours holding you as you sobbed?
Who told you they loved you, but said they were too afraid of making you uncomfortable?
Who put their own feelings aside and helped you anyway?
Who told you to go to Florida, or Texas, or anywhere with your friends, because you needed it, even though I needed you there?
Who knew how I felt, and without even telling me, moved on with someone else?
Who was left in the dust?
Who had all of the horrible, painful memories and secrets?
Who still loved you, more than any other person in the world?
Who did you tell about you wanting to leave?
Who was hurt the most?
Who still stood by you?
Who was there on your horrible trip?
Who sat on your uncomfortable floor as you were terrified and kept you calm for 9 hours on a saturday night?
Who bought you lunches at the sub, when you were saving your meals so you could eat throughout the week?
Who did you get drunk and scream at?
Who was there?
Who did you use?
Who did you hurt?
John Aug 29
Why me ?
Why are you telling me again ?
Why am I supporting you ?
Why can't you see ?
Why can't you love me ?
Why can't you grow up ?
Why can't you move on ?
Why can't I move on ?
Why can't I grow up ?
Why can't I love me ?
Why does everything change?
Why does everyone grow and change?
Why don't I?
Why does everyone else get better?
Why does everybody else get to be happy?
Why do I get sadness poured on to me?
Why can't it just stop?
Why can't it be about me?
You can't leave me.
You have to stay, you have to watch me get better.
Remember how much I changed last year?
Why was it because of you?
Why the **** do I care about you?
You treat me like dirt until something goes wrong?
Why am I always someone's second choice?
Why am I my own second choice?
Why can't you see you need me?
Why do I need you?
having a bit of a freak out. too many things going on at once
John Aug 26
Secret memories
little treasures I keep,
for when the times are tough
or the future is bleak.

A joke that makes you laugh
or when we share something,
splitting it in half.

The first words in a morning,
the last words at night,
the little jump you do
when something gives you a fright.

When things are good, your smile
when things are not, the walks,
sometimes longer than a mile.

Little things are all I can keep.
I never wanted you to weep.
So these memories are all I can keep.
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