There are many things I want to say to you.
Many things I decided to not say.
Many things I have lied about, and blatantly ignored.
Tonight, as I sit alone, in a place I hate
Just drunk enough to hurt, but not enough to go running to you,
I am going to say them.
Tonight, In this poem, I will say what I need to say.
First and foremost: I Love you.
Captain, I love you.
You watched me struggle on these words.
I choked on the truth, and you were there.
You begged me to not love you that way.
You asked me what I meant.
We both know what I meant.
It hurt me so much, when you begged me to not love you that way.
I thought I could love you the way you wanted.
I want to love you the way you want me to.
I can't.
Captain, I am helplessly and completely in love with you.
I love you, and I am in Love with you.
Capital L love.
The kind of love that people dream about.
The kind of love that everyone wants to find.
The kind of love that made me feel.
The kind of love that made me not run from feelings.
the same kind of love that made me return to where I am now.
In a very bad place, to confront things I wanted to run from.
The only reason I am here because I love you more than I care about me.
I realize how dumb and stupid that is.
I don't care.
Captain, I love you so much.
I didn't realize how much,
until you walked out that door.
that last minute together, after all we had been through that week.
When you hugged me
Said "see ya, failure!" and walked on out.
I knew then and there what I wanted to do.
Instead I sat back down, and thought about how much I would miss you.
I wanted to run out after you
Yell the truth at you, as you walked away,
towards your friends as you left me for two weeks.
Yell that I love you, that it is the way you hate.
the way you weren't ready for.
I wanted to run after you and kiss you.
I did not, because I didn't want to hurt you.
I missed you before you left.
I missed the you that sat in your room one Saturday night
and without saying a thing to me sobbed into my shoulder
I dont miss the crying, I miss the you that I held.
The you that fell asleep on me in your car.
The you that would drag me out into the cold and the snow
Just because one of us needed to talk about feelings.
I missed the you that invited me into your room Sunday morning
And held my hand as you cried,
and then made it out of bed, only to end up curled against me.
Leaning on my chest as I held you, and told you again and again that I love you.
The you that, in that situation, said you loved me too,
but only because I didn't want anything more from you.
I do want more.
There are two reasons I didn't tell you.
One: you said yourself you weren't going to be in a relationship for a very long time.
Two: I was afraid that I would lose you over something I wasn't sure of.

I have missed you every single day we have been apart.
It hurts a little bit more every day.

You want to know what hurts me even more Captain?
What you did to me yesterday.
After I told you I loved you,
After you begged me to not love you that way,
After you said you weren't going to date for a long time.
After you said you really missed me.
You decided to start dating him.
Without ever even telling me anything.
You decided to start dating him.
instead of telling me you told me I had to go deal with your roommate because she was upset about what you did.  
Because you didn't want to deal with her.
You broke my heart over a text message, telling me to go take care of your roommate.
You are the only person I have ever loved, and you knew that.
You knew how I felt. and you ripped out my still beating heart, held it in front of you, and then tore it in half.
I cried.
I cried over you.
I cried because I loved you.
It hurt me so badly.
I cried to our friends.
I was so distraught that I could not go on.
And I still didn't tell them about you.
What you had done.
Because I still love you.
I put all of the blame, all of the reason I am where I am now. On me
It isn't on me.
You broke my heart.
You showed me I still had one.
You showed me how to care, and how to feel.
You did all that, and then you broke it.
And I am still mad at myself for it.
I hate myself for wanting you.

The right words are hard to find
it is hard to find the right sounds to say what's on my mind.
They never come, but the thoughts remain
everyday they are the same.
The right words are hard to find
but because of you I feel better when I'm with you.

I call you captain to create distance.
You need the distance.
We both need each other.
O captain, I’m afraid of losing you.
I love you, and more terrifying than that
I’m in love with you. I know it’s wrong.
It’s mutiny. A betrayal of trust.
I wasn’t always in love with you.
But I’ve accepted it as true.
O captain, I don’t want to hurt you.
I didn’t realize how bad it was until you left.
You left.
And part of me left too.

I wanted to run after you. To stop you in the hall, in front of all. Kiss you then and there.

I didn’t. I said goodbye, and sat back down after we hugged goodbye.

I love you captain. It pains me to say.
Regardless of how I try, the feelings stay.

Captain, I feel marooned here, without you, left by myself.

No man is an island, but with you, I kept afloat.

Now I can’t help but feel I’m An anchor holding you back.

I never wanted too

It’s been a while
You left
I stayed
I should have followed you
After we said goodbye.

Out into the hallway, into the world
Said what I felt as I watched you walk away.

I’ve made it about me,
I don’t want it to be
I am in love with you
I’m sorry to admit it’s true

I wanted to run into the world,
Stop you, look you in the eyes.
Beautiful, brown, and darker than the night sky. Tell you everything.
I thought I had.
What remained hidden was to bad.

The one thing you trusted me on was that I
Wasn’t like every other guy.
I didn’t want you.
I didn’t want you.
Until you walked out that door.

It got so bad I couldn’t take it anymore.
I still can’t tell you.
I still can’t do that to you.

I love you more than I’m in love with you.
I know now they are separate things.
I still feel both.

I am afraid.
Afraid to love you,
Afraid to be in love with you.
Afraid to say something
Afraid to say nothing.
Afraid of what comes next.
Afraid of the future

I see why it won’t work.
I see that it will end poorly.
I see how I will get hurt in the end.
The part I can’t deal with is the part where it hurts you.

If I could take all of the hate and sadness and pain from you I would.

You won’t let me do that

I love you.

Have you ever seen a brick go through a glass window?
It seems to happen in slow motion.
The window never expects the brick to be thrown.
The brick still shatters the window anyway.
For a brief moment, the two touch, then nature takes course.
The broken pieces of the glass litter the ground, and the brick is on the other side.

I was the window.
You were the brick.

Now I am stuck.
Picking up the broken pieces of what used to be.
The shattered edges of what was slip and slice
My hands, my heart, my head.

Once glass is broken it can never be put back together.
The window that held everything in is gone
letting the heat and warmth flow into the cool night air.

For a time, I tried to open that window, to you.
Let in the stale air that surrounded me.
In the end I decided to leave it open, just a crack
to slowly change.

It was not enough.
Now I am shattered.

I can't hold back what's inside now.
the cold air is rushing in.
I am scared.
I am shattered.

I try to pick up the pieces, to patch the window with what I can.
Nothing fits perfectly.
The window that was there
the one you shattered
was all I had.

I sit in front of the broken window
hating the brick for what it has done.
hating myself for not opening the window sooner.

I am shattered.

You are a brick.
You did not throw yourself.

I did.

Blanket smells like you
It’s warm and soft, like you
I hope you’re happy

Your roommate is weird
She loves you and I a lot
I love you that way

I hope you never
Ever find my poetry
Because it is bad

I wanted to kiss
As you left, but it scared me
I don’t want to hurt

It is weird that I
Write these to you, because I
Will never share them

I want you to text
I want to make sure that you
Are okay and happy

I need to stop these
They are not good, I love you
Goodnight my captain

You are always framed by light.
from the day I met you, until you left.
each time, regardless day or night
it hurts me now, i feel bereft.

You are always framed by light.
Late at night, in your car, framed
by the fading bulbs of the stadium, so bright.
sitting in your car making letting feelings be named.

You are always framed by light.
In a dingy basement, by the blue strobes on stage
I knew then and there, that what I felt and said was right.
Finally accepting it, felt like turning a new page.

you are always framed by light.
In your room, alone, the sun creeping through the blind.
it made your hair glow. and made me forget my fright.
holding you as we poured out our hearts cleared my mind.

You are always framed by light.
That means I am in the dark. I want to start
living in light, with you, without fright.
but the feelings that stop me remain in my heart.