Despite the screaming in my head,
The tears in my eyes
"I'm fine..."
Is what I said
"I'll be there in a few minutes..."
Then I put down the phone
And ran into the street
My suicide
"An accident" they'll say
The perfect plan.

The average person lies four times a day,
The most common lie is
"I'm fine"

I nvisible
'
M arred
F ucked
I nsecure
N uerotic
E mpty

I may never have liked myself
But no matter what I went through
I was proud of who I had become

No matter the times
The temptation
I hadn't given up

I have always promised myself I'd never change myself for anyone
But for a fraction of your time
I'd rearrange every part of my being

And I don't know what's sadder:
The fact that I'd lose myself for you,
Or the fact you wouldn't even notice.

There's a monster in the mirror
When I lean in closer he comes near
I wonder why no one else can see
You must've known to some sort of degree
I'm not the person you think you know
You should've ran long ago
I know your secrets, why aren't you scared?
Did you really think that I actually cared?
I stare right into the monsters eyes
They look so kind, trusting and wise
Don't you know? That's their disguise
When will you finally realise?
I'm not the person you think you know
That person died long ago

In the end
Everyone leaves
And I end up
Alone again
And worse off
Each time.
Why do I care
So much?
What am I doing
That makes
Everyone I know
Leave like it was
The easiest thing
They had ever done?
Why do I even try
Anymore?
Maybe I should just
Finally
Give up.

She gave up the fight
She let her demons take control.
Knife to her arm
It breaks her skin
Another cut; another scar.
She watches the blood
Dark red the colour,
Warm and familiar
It runs down her skin.
Drop after drop
Onto the floor,
A puddle of blood
Now beneath her feet.
One more cut,
That's all it will take
For her to go and take her place,
Among the flames, among the tears.
She drops to the floor
Her body stops there
But her soul keeps falling,
Till it meets its demise.

I've never felt this way before
I've felt depressed, alone, empty
I've wanted to end my life multiple times
And I've tried to as well
But today It's different
Right now, It's different
If in the past
I have tried knowing I wouldn't go through with it
Or I wouldn't succeed
Because I didn't actually want to die
But right now I know
That If I went downstairs
And took that knife
Or took those pills
Or that rope
I would go through with it
And I know that If I do that
I won't be alive tomorrow
And for the first time
I'm scared
I'm scared of myself
Because I want to do that
I really do
But I also don't because I want the chance to fall in love
I want to know
What love feels like
I want to know
What a proper hug feels like
I want to know
What It's like to live
Without being in constant fear of something
Of someone...
I want to feel something other than sadness
Or emptiness
Before I die
I want to know what being happy feels like
But I'm scared
I probably won't live to see tomorrow
Because right now
I want to die
And I know I will go through with it this time

They don't feel like themselves
Not anymore
They were different once
Now, they are like a shell of their former selves
They fade into the background
And slip through the cracks
Haven't you noticed how they don't laugh like they used to
Or how they hardly eat anymore and then one day,
Eat too much
They're afraid of doing or saying the wrong thing
They can't help but apologize
Because everything is their fault
They've grown a protective shield around themselves
But they still let someone in
And then the last pieces of them get slowly thrown away
They don't know or understand how they've become like this
They don't know how they became like this, or when, or why
They only have the memory of who they used to be
Someone who was wild and open, who was down for anything
Who never had a bad thought
At the beginning sleep was still a refuge
It was like being dead, but without the commitment
But now, even sleep is hell
When was the last time they didn't wake up after a nightmare
They have nothing but the memory
Of who they used to be.

Do you still think
It's all a game?
Do you still think
I'm that same 'girl'
You used to know?
The person in the mirror?

I've lost the ability
To dream
To be happy
And if you can't do that
Then what's the point?

I'm dangling off the edge
All it'll take
Is one more push
And then I'll be gone.

Looking down
30 stories up
The pavement
Has never looked
So welcoming.

It's been going on too long
I've been walking up the stairs
Slowly but surely
I've crept to the edge.

I've sharpened the knife
And emptied the bottle

I'm going to see
If I can fly.

I'm all alone
Sitting in this empty room
Staring at the walls
Not having anyone to talk to

I'm crying,
I don't feel loved
I don't feel accepted
I feel empty
Depressed
Alone

I want to talk to you
I want to laugh with you
I want to hug you
I want to BE with you
But I can't
Because I don't want to annoy you
Or bother you

And I feel alone

And I'm sitting here
On my bed
In my pyjamas
Crying
Wishing you'd text me
Wishing for anyone to call
I don't text first
Not anymore
Because I know you'll just ignore it
Or be irritated by me

And I feel alone

I thought I had friends
I thought I had people to talk to
Maybe I did
Did I do something wrong?
Why don't we talk anymore?
I didn't mean to lose you
I didn't mean to push you away
Can't you at least tell me what I did wrong?

But there are no texts
No calls
Not for a week
With you two
And with you, not four

I'm alone
Sitting here
Staring at the phone
Crying
No one to call
No one to talk to
And It's all my fault

And I feel alone

Tears like pools streaming down our face,
Oh, we're such a disgrace!
Running around through an endless maze,
We're just trying to get out of our daze.
Can't you imagine a life any sweeter?
Or is that just too hard to rhetor?
Ignorance at every turn,
Aren't they ever going to learn?
We've had enough of this injustice!
Go find some other vices.
No longer will we be silent,
When standing in front of our tyrant.

You're my awful addiction
I'd let you break my heart every day
Just to see you smile

She says she's fine
But she's going insane.

She says she feels good
But she's in a lot of pain.

She says it's nothing
But it's really a lot.

She says she's okay
But she's really not.

I looked at myself
In the mirror
Crying,
Trembling,
Barely standing.
A glass of water
In one hand
And so many pills
In the other.
The voices in my head
Louder than ever
Screaming
Words of encouragement
And telling me
Everything wrong
About me,
Like I don't already know.
One pill
Two pill
And a well timed call
From a friend.
I'm here
I'm alive
But I feel dead inside.
"Piece by piece"
He said.
Now
With a fake smile
I walk out the door
To go to school
To pretend that I'm ok
And that
The voices aren't there.

Love is
Letting yourself be entertained,
Even though, you know
It's not real.

Love is
Tricking yourself
Into believing they're good,
That there is happiness.

Love is
Exposing yourself
To him or her,
Letting them in
To tear you apart.

Love is
Amazing and powerful,
It's possessive and blinding,
It's falling face first
From a cliff,
Both scary and thrilling.

Love is
Everything.

We all want love
No matter the cost,
To find it
Truly,
Is to be free.

I love being ignored
I love seeing that you read my text
And chose not to reply
...again
I love it
Thank you...
Everyone I know.

When you found me I'd been through hell
I laughed and cried thank you to my saviour
I was surrounded and alone
Doing everything I could for people and draining myself
He hit me once, then twice, then again till I was nothing
He laughed and joked until I was a former shell
They ignored
He hit again

And you made me laugh for the first time in years
But now I see it was another painful illusion
You're not my saviour
You're my beautiful doom

I'll love you with everything in me
I'll love you with everything I have
I'll wait for you to have the time to talk to me
I'll wait for you if it means I get a kiss
Maybe a hug
Maybe even just a glance

We'll keep building our future together,
I'll keep losing myself to be who you need

You've been busy for a while
And that's okay
Why wouldn't it be
I've learnt to cope
Learnt you can live weeks of laughter without needing me
I'll learn to cope

But you were laughing with your friends whilst I was crying on the phone
You were talking to your friends whilst I was bleeding on the floor
You saw the tears and blood and went back to your game
You'll call me later, I'll be okay

So I'll be okay because that's what you need
I'll be happy when you text because that's what makes you happy
I'll free my nights in case you call to fall asleep
I'll free my days hoping for a miracle

But you were my saviour and I fell in love
Your smile, your voice, your laughter, happiness, face, beauty, personality
I fell in love
And we'll keep building our future, and I'll keep losing myself, my beautiful doom

I'll do anything for you
I'll live
I'll change
I'll **** myself trying
My beautiful doom

This is not romantic
It was never supposed to be
Maybe we can be healthy again
Maybe one day we can be okay
So I'll be hoping for a miracle
Before I **** myself for your future
My beautiful doom

Real eyes
Realise
Real lies.

Don't
         Cry
               At
                   My
                        Funeral...


                                                                     I
                                                            Died
                                                   Long
                                            Ago

We are born to die.

The tears won't stop
I can hardly see
I don't understand
Where I am
Or what I'm doing there
It takes a few minutes
To realise
That my best friend
Didn't just die
Bc I have no friends
It takes a little while
To realise
That I'm in
My bedroom
And not in
The streets
Of Chicago
I miss my friend
And I miss
That family
But they're
Not real
For it was only
A book
And not reality

I don't recognize
That person anymore
Not the laugh
The face
The dress
Or the way they look
And talk
And walk
I don't recognize the smile
On their face

The eyes
Once so bright
And full of hope
Now look so empty
And lost

But no one can see that
They only see what
They want to see
Not the truth
They only care about
What you can see
In the mirror

In the gardens of hell
The people may call
For a soul to sell
Your blood will begin to crawl
The screaming you'll hear too loud
The pain you inflict so true
When at the top of the crowd
You become anew
It's not you anymore
The roles are reversed
It shakes you to your core
You're at your worst
So many cursed
But this time it's your fault
You begin to thirst
You're the assault

Roses are red
Other colours too
But violets are violet
Not ******* blue.

"It's been
a
terrible day"
She said
                                                         Tell me
                                                  something   ­                                               beautifull?"
                   And
                          he
            said
                              her
     Name...

We've been sitting here in cages
All since the dark ages;
Freedom only ever a concept
Well, that's sure been hard to accept.
How we've all been confined,
Whilst thinking the stars had aligned;
Trapped within ourselves -
We've just been searching the shelves.
How could we be so blind?
Surely, this isn't part of the grand design!
Making so many restrictions,
It's like their awful addiction.
We could all be so carefree,
If only we had any kind of guarantee!

If you put a frog
In a *** of boiling water
It will jump out
Right away

But if you put the frog
In cool water
And slowly
Turn up the heat
It will stay there
Until it dies

That's an abusive relationship

Feeling trapped under water,
Trying to get through the boarder.
In our social inequity
There's too much bigotry;
Wonder if we're just too nihilistic
                                   Artistic
Or if we're just too                      .
                                  Narcissistic
Either way it's their delusion,
Trying to fight through the illusion.
Did we ever have any proper hope?
Or was that all just another trope?
Arguing against our restrictions,
Wanting to change their decisions.
Equality - such a controversy!
Now we're on our knees begging for mercy.
How many more need to die?
Before you stop the blind eye.

I
                             Draw
      With
                                                  Sil
                   ver
   And
                                 It
                                                    Comes
                                       Out
               Red

You became
My safe place
But I left
Like a coward
I ran
Thinking
It would be easier
If I left
Before you did
But now, you've found me
And you're asking me
To come back
And I feel embarrassed
To say
That I want to come back
Because
When I was with you
I was happiest
But I don't know if I should
I don't know
What to do
I just
        Don't
Know...

I love you so much it hurts
Love isn't like this in the books
Or the movies
Or the songs
You're my only reason for being
Whilst I am something fun to play with when bored
You walk in the room and I am left no choice but to surrender
I forget anyone
Anything
I do this all for you
Your time and attention
Your words and intentions
Constant echoes that never leave my body
So sacred in everything you are and do
I am never happier or more alive than in your presence
And so as soon as you leave my side
All my wounds open back up
I'm replaced with a ghost
Bleeding and broken
Shattered into more pieces
Waiting for you to come and put me back together all over again
And we'll repeat our merry dance
Until I can no longer make you smile
Until I can no longer show you how much I love you
Until you have had enough of this game and chapter of life
And found someone new
Someone better
Someone whole
This is our Broken dance
Please don't leave me black and blue
Tell me what to do, so I can hold on to you

To look up at the stary sky
And wonder what it's like to die
Everyday we stand to tempt fate
The wind is there to help us translate

Up in the heavens, amongst the clouds
Or down below, with nothing allowed
Always in between, taken to purify
It's all for the sake of a mother's lullaby

We're not so different from the moon
None of us will ever be immune
Constantly changing, uncertain, cratered by imperfections
We're all just looking for connections

And what's the chance we'll ever meet?
Maybe life is just too bittersweet