I'm walking to work
And you're falling through the sky
But that's just life, right?

Finally,
It happened.
Laying in bed
I can feel the emotional hangover coming on.
Words play on repeat in my head
Words like "one night stand,"
"Guilt," "Pain," "Solitude."
Over and over
Intermingled with the aftershocks
Of Mom's messages.

An emotional hangover.

Guess it's time to start
Picking up the ******* and broken things
Left over from the night before.

Hey Mom?
I miss you.
Like a lot.
I miss dancing in the kitchen
To Madonna and Meatloaf.
I remember singing under the paper lantern
From the dollar store.
You bought it just for me.
I miss your strong, muscular embrace
And your scent of cloves and earl grey and earth.
I miss your long, silky hair
Just like mine.
I cut it all off last week.

Some days,
I just wish I could talk to you,
Talk to you about what hurts
But you hurt.
Just to remember hurts.
You're gone.

Hey Mom?
If you're still in there,
Beneath all the alcohol-infused blood
At the bottom of the cavity in your soul maybe,
Could you peek out from behind the curtain?
If only for a moment.
Could you give me some signal
Some kind of hope
That beneath it all
My mother is still here
On this earth
That she isn't lost to me forever.
That the woman who cherished me in her lap
Swaying me back and forth while I cried
From bad dreams or heartache
The woman who taped up my broken arm
And taught me how to make the best spaghetti
My mommy,
Who taught me to sing with beauty
And shared her green thumb secrets.
Please.
Please.
Don't be lost to me entirely.
Please come back.

Hey Mom?

Remember a few months back
Where I dropped the first shoe?
When I came stumbling into your life on a whim,
A simple message sent
A vague curiosity.

Now, before we hash out where I went wrong since then
Before we map out just where I lost your interest
Before you tell me that I'm "just a friend"
Before you tell me you've moved on
Before all of that

You once asked me
Why.
Said you were waiting for that other shoe to drop.
Waiting for the reason behind my curiosity
And conversation.
Waiting for the not so pleasant end to my interest.

But let me tell you something, handsome.
The moment you responded,
The very instant you turned your head
I was scared.
That first night
When you walked instead of slept,
When you shared stories and warmth in the rain,
When you leaned forward, cross-legged on the floor
And kissed me,
I was terrified.
How could I, the girl trying to be a woman,
Controlled and bullied by her fears,
Ever
Ever come to deserve the affection of a man like yourself.

I knew then as I know now,
Though I tried for those 3 months to forget,
That I cannot be worthy of affection
From a man who can love so intricately as you.

You are beautiful,
and I was frightened before I was even yours,
That the day would come when I would lose the treasure of your inclination.

And I have.
And now there is nothing to do,
But wait for you
To drop the other shoe.

I want to wake up
With the first tendrils of morning
Peeking through the curtains
And feel the warmth of you on my back.
I want to roll over,
Breathe you in,
And sigh with all the content that my chest can hold.
I'll look at your sleeping, relaxed features,
Recalling all the mornings and midnights like this one
Where I lay beside you and smile
Disbelieving.
Your skin is hot and sticky from the cramped space of my toosmallbed
And your breathing tends to light snores
that lull me to sleep most nights.
Your arms are stretched above your head
And I run my finger over their graceful lights and shadows.
Your back rises and falls with every glorious breath
and your eyes flutter, hidden beneath those long, dark lashes.
Blissful, I smile,
And wrap myself into you,
Wanting to soak up your essence,
And sleep in the high of your presence in my bed.

My touch rouses you briefly,
Just long enough for you to turn on your side
And wrap your arms around me,
Accepting.


But it's time to wake up for real,
And realize that all that's left
Is the memory of your embrace.

Alert
On edge.
Every single subtle sound sends me reeling.
Terrified*
I wait for the other shoe to drop.

All your life
has been clinging
to this cliff edge.
You spent years taunting
the growling waters below.
Not even the storms --
in all their fury --
Could pry you from your rock.
          Rooted Conqueror, you were.

But now the time has come
for you to reach up, up, up.
Stretching your heart up
into the celestial bodies.

Defying the constant wind,
You flower.
For the first, only time
In your life
You show the world
Your beauty, inside
That at your center,
Blooms of sunlight
were just waiting to burst.

And burst they do,
Tall as the trees,
And your brave, defiant spirit
Is Released.

Leaving your body behind to brown and wither
       Empty now.
That resilient spirit gone.
The carcass and its roots
Fall into the roaring sea.