I want to see you
Standing there
Cigarette in hand
With a hazy halo about your figure.
Beautiful in your own right,
Enchanting.

I want to happen across you
By chance,
And whisper a four letter word.
Because I'll be frightened
Of what you may or may not say.
Afraid you've grown tired of loving me
During our shared silence.

But still.
I want to see you.
On the corner,
In the drug store,
By the bus stop,
On the street.

I want a lot of things.
But most of all,
I just don't want you to forget about me.

Here.
Quietly, then all at once
Her voices and touches arise.
Smiling bright as smooth sunshine,
I lift up my nose to the breeze.

Childhood hides among the brambles
Laughter peeks from under each stone
The trail hums with life.
Walking, gliding through the brush
Playing peek-a-boo with the path,
I embrace Her like an old lover and teacher,
For it was here
In the shade of figs and acorns
That I learned I could soar.

Here.
Where beetles mate and ants labor
Where crackle-leaves dissolve and the soil exhales warmth
Where field mice scurry and fledglings learn to fly.

Even on another continent,
Her caress is familiar.
It is the one of thorn bushes and wildflowers and weeds.
It is the stumble-over-stones
And the ear-tickling-buzz of the bees.

Here.
I know I am Home.

I just want to roll over and see you sleeping in a tight ball, relegated, sheetless and shivering, to the precipice of our too-small bed by my spread eagle slumber. I want to melt into the angles of your back and knees. Breathe in the cold skin between your shoulder blades. I want to wake you with selfish kisses. Feel you stir beneath my lips. You will rouse for just a moment. Only to pull me closer. But that will be enough and I will fall asleep again in the curve of your neck. I want to sleep like this. Entwined at the edge of our bed, about to fall, but holding on.

There you are
Gracing your usual corner
With smoke and a smirk to match.
You are not looking at me,
And I smile, because for once
I know something you don't know.
My one secret, clasped like a golden nugget in my palms
Is but a grain of sand to your multitudes.

Looking down, something amuses you
And you take another drag.
Once again I find myself pining
To pick up a habit that burns my lungs, too.
Again, yearning
To be the cancer you kiss,
That you think of when your mind wanders and your hands ache,
To be carried like treasure in your flannel's pocket,
To be caressed between your calloused fingers.
I would burn for you, too.

But then you look more aware,
No longer lost to ineffable thoughts that are solely your own,
And I jolt back
Not wanting my moment to disturb yours.
I shouldn't be here,
Loving you from afar
Reveling in the way you lift your cigarette
Up to your hypnotizing mouth.
I should be nowhere, and nothing.

But I'm already gone,
Windblown.
And you pay no mind
As the leaves shuffle by your toes in the breeze.

Anxiety pulls my intestines out through my belly button
As I wait in silence for The Verdict.
Fear, a rabid dog, lashes out at my feet with every retracing step.
Time is both an enemy and an ally
Here, where darkness sears every eye into blindness.
I would see your face,
Would it not bring both Exuberance and Despair as gifts to my heart.

I would beg of you,
Could my mouth but move for the irons locked around it,
Prove Fear and Despair wrong.
Let Distance and Silence not calcify your heart and affection.
I plead of you to fight for your warmth,
Do not let the cold win
Though it may be easier.

Don't forget me for nothing but a mistake,
A passing thought in your life
With no significance but the confusion you once felt.
Please.
Give me something to trust.

There was a time when I dreaded the morning shower,
For fear of washing you off of my skin.
I wanted to carry you with me, always.
Cherished your touch, scent, warmth.

Now I dread the night and the dreams that come with it,
For fear of seeing your face,
As I know I will.
There is no escaping the numbing anguish
Of longing for your touch, scent, and warmth.

Not even in unconsciousness.