sometimes things change
maybe for the good
but for me always
for the bad

everyone says
be positive
but why should I
my life was flipped
U p s i d e d o w n
and I can’t be positive
anymore
I have nothing
but darkness

I can’t do this anymore
I will not do this anymore
unless things change
for the better
not the worst

My sexuality should not define me over the fact that I am a human being.
Just because I am in love does not mean I’m a child
“I love a girl,” I told my mom as I smiled
She looks at me questioning ready for the lecturing
“You’re just confused” she does not know this destroys
Just play along alright, “okay I guess I like boys”
Even though I like a queen rather than a king

This is my home this small lonely closet
So claustrophobic as these walls are closing in
all because of all of my so-called sins
I just wish I could be honest
So that this stops suffocating me
Running out of oxygen without the key
To open the door and get away from where I sit

I decide I will not remain silent
“Mom,” I say “I’ve never felt this way with anyone before.”
She pushes me back and closes the door
The world treats me like my sexuality is violent
The longer I stay the more I know
That this is not a choice and I am not in this solo
Although this closet makes my world view seem bent

When I see this girl my world slowly slips away
and I can’t find a way to hide how I feel
But I have to choose, the so-called safety of the closet or this amazing thrill
She touches my face bringing her lips to mine
as we sit in our sin our eyes get wide
We ignore it and pretend that we don’t care.

The first moment I was who I truly am.
The oxygen
oh how good it felt to breathe freely.
The closet
for even a moment far behind me.

That girl lies in bed with ducts that weep.
She rises from her bitter bed
With thoughts of suicide in her head
She idolises being dead.
Facing the day wishing it would all just end

The only thing keeping her here
Is the golden locket around her neck
As she looks at the photo
And remembers the promises she made
She knows that one day it will be better

So she puts the knife down
And calls the girl who is in the locket
She knows she will make her smile
And remind her she is worth more than she thinks

Is what she should of said
When asked if she wanted to go upstairs
                                              No
Is what she should of said
When she was asked to take off her clothes
                                              No
Is what she should’ve said
But she was young and naive


But                                           No
Is what she said
When he came up to her
                                           No
Is what she said
When he was trying to do it
But                                     No
Is what he said
When she refused
                                           No
Is what he said
When she asked him to stop


                                            No
Is what she should’ve said
When asked if she had a good time
                                           No
Is what she should’ve said
When her friends asked if she was ok

But.                                     No
Was only the answer to one question
Whether or not they did it when they went up
                                           No
Was her only response when
She saw him on the street the next day


And.                                   No
Was not the answer when
Her doctor asked if she could be pregnant
But.                                     No
Was the answer she gave the doctor
As she continued to lie to herself
                                             No
Was not the answer she gave
When asked if she was going to keep the baby
                                             No
Is what she said to her best friend
About pressing charges bc she would almost always lose
And.                                 No
Her life was not over
She was there to care for the baby through even the worse.

I call you every day
We talk for hours at a time
But you see me as a sister
When I see you as more

She will never know
Because I would not want to
Ruin what we have

It wasn't until today
When I realized that you can
Tell a story through only your eyes

They Say

"To be a lady of beauty
You must have your
Chin up, shoulders back
Legs Cross, back straight"
What are we their Barbie dolls?
They say we must behave this way
But we are more than a piece in their game.
They say this is the only way to be proper
But what even is proper in today age

"To be a lady of beauty
You must have
Blonde hair, blue eyes, clear skin
You must be
5'8" 130 pounds"
What do they want; no adversity
They say this is what looks best in photos
But we are not just portraits waiting to be drawn
They say this is the perfect body
But everyone is flawed
Nobody meets their standards

"To be a lady of beauty
You must wear
Short shirts and low necks
You must wear
High heels and walk in them well"
What must we be; models 24/7?
They say to wear these clothes
But if we do we are called *****
They say to wear heels
But do they know the pain
That is the price you pay for beauty, they say

"To be a lady of beauty
You must
have perfect bone structure and have no flaws
You must
Always be happy and show no pain."
What do they want; a preprogrammed robot
They say they want 'natural' beauty
But natural isn't good enough for them
They say we must hide our pain
But we just put on a shield
Of waterproof makeup and a fake smile

"To be a lady of beauty"
They say these are our guidelines
But we will never fit them
They say to do these things
But they will never know our pain
They say we are not beautiful
But we know they are wrong
We will not abide and be ladies of beauty
But we will be beautiful ladies.

The door that was once unlocked
Is now the one I am not allowed through
Was it something I did
Someone just give me a clue

I am now alone in the one-room
With no one who cares about
All the trouble I've been through

I am trapped in this place
A place in my mind
I can not escape my own
View of how people aren't kind