needs desires possibilities
no one can defend
rationally
leave them I wish
somehow someday
just when
I look forward wondering
another life
possibly
the life I am a flower
a tree
a milled seed
food for all
powder

Borderline personality disorder Unseen people unseen energies tickling my back Distrust paranoia Longing for love unwilling to accept Dreaming of self harm of boys in all black Who am I to you Trust no one not even your best friend especially not them Avert your eyes don’t look at me I don’t see you I hear things that aren’t there I hear things they whisper my name want me to follow Casual *** casually falling in love Relapse around the corner need to see my blood I smell blood I taste it Close my eyes move to music become a ghost Crying in my bedroom crying in public No one sees I am invisible Think horrible things think about killing A certainty that I will end up alone This sounds like a suicide note Want to be art want to be in the ground burned to ash Who AM I ******* daily In love with love In love with being on my own I can’t belong to anyone I want to belong to someone Can’t be a girlfriend can’t be a best friend Can’t lose me that’s all I have in the end I sound ******* nuts Borderline personality Don’t smile Won’t smile Bitterness bitterness Too afraid to hang myself Punch myself in the face Spit on me Respect me Degrade me Take me away take me in What the **** is wrong with me

I live in my head
I have my own room there
My own bed
Where I do my best thinking
Where I am most comfortable
It keeps me up most nights
Making to do lists and analyzing
conversations from days before
Daydreaming about everything
Some of the thoughts I have
are down right crazy
So crazy that it must not be me
there must be other people up there
and hell not just a room but a whole house
with several rooms and several conversations
I can envision it clearly
Sometimes I stay there for days
The lights are on
My shades are open
But no ones home
I do return to the real world and have
real conversations but seems like I
Always return to my head
Where I live
In my own room and my own bed

maybe its the spaces
the in-betweens
betwixt everything
that really counts.

I wrote of Demond's that invaded me. Demond's that corresponded with my brain and danced with my soul. Demond's that abducted my heart and blinded my eyes.

I wrote of Darla, my idealistic alter ego. The one who dreams of romance and treads passionately towards it. The other girl inside of me who forgives and cries without remorse or regret.

I wrote of heartbreak and abuse from past lovers. The torment of a fractured heart and the loneliness that was left. The neglect from my childhood and the pains of independence. The confusion of men and the unanswered question of "How will I ever heal".

I wrote of my habitual infidelity and thirst for love. My attraction to danger and lust for something more. My deepest desires and most remembered experiences. My darkest fantasies mixed with a little chaos.

In all of this, I still feel the need to say more. Somewhere deep inside I crave to tell the world what's on my mind and written in my heart. Even in knowing I'll never say it all, I will always try.