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I wake up everyday, fix myself up and put my binder on. I make sure i look masculine enough with my button up shirt and skinny jeans on.
I wish i was like all the other boys that walk down the hall at school. Flat chested, tall, fit, strong with a deep voice. But instead I'm a C cup, short, small with a squeaky voice and get called a lesbian all the time.
How do people go to the toilet in public, i start getting a panic attack just thinking about it.
I can’t even go a day without freaking out, because someone said ‘she’.
I look down at myself…
god why am i like this, why can’t i be normal.
I want a flat chest, so i don’t come home with aching ribs everyday, struggling to breathe.
I want a deep voice, so i don’t get called a 12 year old girl.
I want to be tall, so i don’t get pushed and shoved to the floor.
I want to be masculine so it doesn’t feel like I'm getting stabbed in the chest from being misgendered.
All the other guys i see walking down the halls at school, are proud and happy, they don’t get told “but you still look like a girl” or get called she, or the wrong name. So why can’t i be like them, perfect and handsome.
Why can’t i just be me and be happy..
Why..why..why..
-Tyler Miller
 Feb 2018 Francis Rowell
Alec
Are you talking about me?
Do you want me to leave?


...
I , umm,
I wanted to stay.
And i dont know why i didnt say,
The things i meant to.

Online relationships are hard, i know.
So it’s okay to leave before the show.
I thought I could see you
And i thought you could see me too.

I’m sorry i didnt mean to hurt you.
I didnt want to.
I know saying sorry won’t fix it
But I’d rather do that than just sit.

I never meant to make it seem like i expected a smile.
I didn’t mean for you to have to fake happiness
I wanted to be the place where you could talk, confess.

I wanted to know who you are truly
Not who everyone believes you to be.
But if you want me to go,
Then I’ll respect it, i suppose.
It’s not what i want
But I don’t want to be one more place where you put up a front.
 Feb 2018 Francis Rowell
Alec
I have an addiction
Oh how i wish it was a work of fiction
I cannot wait to feel my blade
Every time it touches my skin i feel saved.
Sweet bliss, until i am entranced
Twisting, turning, and weaving. Our dance.
We speak only to each other.
Not caring for any other.
Alone, but not alone, with our toxic love.

It makes me feel whole
When i am alone
And i have no home
And live in isolation
It is but a small trade, take and give some.

What is blood and pain,
When you want to be saved?
What sacrifice is too much
When all you want is to be loved.
Toxicity doesn’t matter
When you just want to stop getting sadder.

I CANT
I CANT STOP
THE BLADE
ITS TOO MUCH
THE BLOOD IS ALL AROUND ME
FALLING FALLING
DRENCHING THE GROUND
I NEED HELP
The liquid, it makes a repulsive sound.

AHHHHHHHHHH

ring around the rosie
pocket full of posey
raining raining
we all come back another day

Help meeeee
The insanity is CONTROLLING my brain!
I’m not sure if i already said this
But I’m going IIIINSAAAANEEEE
HA HA HA
I’m gone . . .
But not for long!!!

How can i truly be gone
When this pain just keeps c-c-c-cutting
me . . . off
HA the sky is full
But love is bull
And affection is null
While my mind i duel.

Obsession, Depression
Are wondrous traits.
One will bleed love
The other, hate

There i am, in the hellish hearts
Tortured in agony, becoming art.
Please just
. . .
Just leave me alone
. . .
Alone in the dark

Alone with my heart.

How shattered,
With blood splattered
Crimson on my skin, I’ve been slathered
Trying to put back the pieces that have been scattered.

Am i sane?
Am i still in control of my brain?

Sometimes i feel on charge, the leader.
Other times i feel weak
Looking through my eyes like windows, watching meekly.

Is music an escape?
From my pain?
Is it too late?
Have i lost my brain?

I just want to see the stars.
I wrote this awhile ago, and i just recently stumbled upon it.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
Old age should burn and rave at close of day;
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,
Because their words had forked no lightning they
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright
Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,
And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,
Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight
Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on that sad height,
Curse, bless, me now with your fierce tears, I pray.
Do not go gentle into that good night.
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
A stranger has come
To share my room in the house not right in the head,
                    A girl mad as birds

Bolting the night of the door with her arm her plume.
                    Strait in the mazed bed
She deludes the heaven-proof house with entering clouds

Yet she deludes with walking the nightmarish room,
                    At large as the dead,
Or rides the imagined oceans of the male wards.

                    She has come possessed
Who admits the delusive light through the bouncing wall,
                    Possessed by the skies

She sleeps in the narrow trough yet she walks the dust
                    Yet raves at her will
On the madhouse boards worn thin by my walking tears.

And taken by light in her arms at long and dear last
                    I may without fail
Suffer the first vision that set fire to the stars.
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