I've been staring at nothing for the past five minutes, I'm losing my mind, even though I'm alive. I'm just staring off into space..
I'm just a waste of space.

My heart is beating,
Louder now.
It's like it knows it's,

Alone,
with me.

Soon, I wonder if
it will stop beating.

She wore a baggy sweater, on the cold colorless night. Walking down the corner of ******* boulevard and  litter lane.
Bleak as it always was, she dreamt of wearing a red dress to give color to the black and white.

But she was too afraid, and she didn't.

If you found out that all the terrible things your family have to say about me are true, will you still
Choose me?
If I was fiend in disguise trying to be better for you,
Will you tell them they're right?

Seems I've found myself in someone else, and now that those embers have gone, my shadow goes with it.

Once again, who am I? Am I the lovelorn insecurities? Am I caring and compassionate or have I just convinced myself I am?
Am I true and trife, or am I just a masked phantom, waiting to drop the curtains with the chandelier, and say I love you again?

It is beautiful to help the one you love, but is even more so beautiful to know that they don't need your help.

They can be strong all their own if needed be.

Rationalizing someone lying to you, putting a bandaid on stitches. They come undone over time, and you just try cover it up.
They're lying because you would overreact, right?
Right?
They don't want you to get upset.
Right?
The pretty little lie, still sucker punches you in the gut.
It comes when you least expect it, when you cover it back up with all of the positive things you try to think about to make it disappear.
Here I am, before a shower, and the stitches have come undone once again.

Like a cat, you like the attention, and when it's given, you turn your tail in disdain. I hold on tight, hurting you and hurting you. I haven't wanted to let go.
But you need someone more graceful, more patient, someone of stronger will.
I'm not that.
I'm a dog, in need of attention. We're opposites. I gnaw on your tail and you only see my teeth.

I will miss you..

It brings me solace.
That you'll forget about me in time.

Maybe one of these days you'll find me
In the obituary, just another fool.
Split in two, and will you wonder?
What happened?

Sometimes I wish I was scared of something other than losing you.
Lions, tigers, or bears.
But none of those things compare.

My mistakes grow by the day, as does your apprehension.
Each night I wait for you, the edge becomes so clear.
Sharp glass with a sharper reflection, that cuts away at everything you thought you knew about me.
Everything I thought I knew about myself.
I know nothing of that reflection,  and neither do you, my love.

Reminiscing of a time in the future, when I'm someone deserving of what I have, and all the work it would take.
I keep thinking though, I could die a fiery death before that day ever comes, and what would be the point of that journey to completion.
I would never have been able to be happy with you.

To be happy with her.

To even be happy at all.

Is there a heaven where I can bask in it all, all of the beautiful things I could ever have? Is there a heaven where I deserve any of these wonderful beings?

No, there isn't.
And the point of this poem is only to reminisce on nonexistence and nothingness.

They can say what they want,
It doesn't matter.
Two ways,
Two.
Death or Want.
If you want me to go,
If I die.

The only ways I will ever not be there.

Sad to say this new year I just don't feel very important. Whether it's the girl I'm with or the girl I want to be with. Will it make a difference?
Or is this just a cycle I'm bound to repeat?

A somber soul once told me,"To dream is a sin, and to love is a mistake made since the beginning, it's life and death incarnate. You will live and die by these good dreams
And lost loves. And what will you have to show for it but a somber soul?"