love is the best horrible thing you'll experience.

Everyone tells me how I'm the happiest person they know
I laugh the most
And I'm extremely positive

Little do they know
How right they are
When I'm lying in bed
With a big smile on my face
And a tear rolling down my cheek

we can blame it on a lot of things. but no matter the circumstances, this is how things are; this is who i am. whether you accept me for that is your own problem.

i don't cry when i look in the mirror.
i only pull out my hair twice a day.
i've slowed down pulling off my skin.
i dress for myself, not for boys.
i grow my nails out to paint, not scratch with.
i eat everyday now.

and best of all, i never killed myself.


*what are your biggest accomplishments?

i would've done anything for you;
the feeling wasn't mutual.

tell me honest,
does the pain ever truly go away?

we're living to die;
why not get it over with?

you are still fine
and i'm still pretending to be.

What I'm doing is stupid
I wish I could stop

for a long time, we pretended you loved me too.

what we had wasn't love.

and i hope to see you in the next world.

maybe then we'll do this right.

my brain is so tired of trying to put my thoughts into words.
that's why i may seem sad.
because i am sad.
and you are sad.
and sadly, sad thoughts linger and mope around because they just want to be loved too. even if that does involve them overtaking your brain (and sometimes even your body.)
but we are also both happy.
yet still i have such a hard time writing those ideas. because they're always so new, fresh, and lively. which is why they bounce around everywhere and i wish i stayed on one idea for more than a forth of a second because sometimes i'd love to remember but all i seem to be doing is forget.
and we're missing someone.
but we both know neither of us can forget you (reminder: you is different to someone else. you has a different meaning to certain people. everyone else calls you you. who i call myself others call you.)
and we're enjoying someone's presence.
even though i love to be alone.
but the point is we are constantly changing and you can never feel the same way twice and that is a beautiful blessing but also a ******* curse.

**goodnight

i'm trying so hard not care
but when we first met my heart was ice cold.
it took a couple years but that night we were cuddling together you warmed me up.
you melted me the whole way to my core.
so finally i had this heart that felt
at the time i didn't know it was a bad thing.
but i also had all this left over water.
luckily enough i had the chance to empty everything out when you cheated on me. let me assure you: i was empty.
but i couldn't resist going right back to you because i missed my source of heat.

everything was different then but for a little we pretended like we were just the same. you couldn't handle it any longer so you cut me off.
that was that.

i'm still so cold and trying to recover.
but spring is just around the corner and hopefully i can turn over a new leaf too and make something of this year.
{i was out in the snow last night.}
all i need is the sun i'm thinking because these seeds of happiness you never tended to might sprout into something beautiful.
hopefully a rose-- pretty enough to admire but painful enough to shy away from touching.


*i still have plans to move far north because i think part of me will always want you to come back.
but i hope now i've gathered enough layers to manage on my own.
i know you'll never ask which is probably a good thing because i always had a hard time saying no.

and to say that it's over,
means that it existed.

I know my doings are wrong, but I can't seem to stop.

through these paper thin walls i can hear the ticking of my brother's fan. a constant sound that i wish i couldn't hear. but it sounds a little bit like water dribbling on my window right at the end of the storm. and i am enraged with anger because all i want is the real thing. i'm sick of all this fake ****; it's reminding me too much of the people around me. but that's my own fault.
the pattern of the clicking sounds so **** natural. kind of like the way your lies fell out of your mouth like a waterfall-- rushing and your water (or words) were trying so hard to pull me under.  i think it worked. what i'm trying to get at is i miss the real thing. i still want you to touch me even if it is with those cold, harsh waters.
i feel like i haven't felt a splash of cool water on my face in months. and maybe i haven't. we were at our peak in the worst of the winter and it seemed like everything between us just froze. and with the fragile touch of your brutal hands,, you broke everything.

maybe if we're lucky when the sun comes out everything will melt and something will flow between us again.

and it's okay to not be okay.

when i was younger,
i used to make these bucket lists.
in second grade we were learning about the fifty states and one day we were given a map of the united states.
we were to color the states that we had been to in red. and the states we wanted to go to were to be colored blue.
i distinctly remember having a map covered in a shade of the vast sea because for some reason back then i thought if i could see all these cool places i would better my person.  

i've been in many more than 50 states.
sadness. happiness. guilt. excitement. disgust. jealousy. frightenment. joy. exhaust. et cetera.
and a gross combination of each.
texas, rhode island, maine. those are all just divided in lines that different people claim they own. but in reality death is the only guarantee we have in life and that may seem crazy and some people may believe that they are immune to this curse. i'm here to assure you that you are going to die. and shortly after your name will never be found in mouths of people who once knew you but only be seen in past year books. and even then you'd be lucky to have your name recognized. along with your name, your possessions will no longer be known to you. the only thing you'll really ever have is yourself and i'm sorry for that.

i wish we lived in the universe where you and i work out.

When the world ends,
I'm leaving.

Only a fool
Asks for the stars

But doesn't accept darkness.

I always tell myself how I need a change of scenery.
I'm slowly beginning to see it's not the setting I want to be different;
It's the characters.

treat someone badly and be loved endlessly

i can't stand this pain any longer. i thought it would get easier but every minute i feel my heart ache even deeper than the moment before, even deeper than i thought was possible. i love being in love. love isn't supposed to happen from 200 miles away. it's strong enough that it does but there is a gaping hole in me that i'm afraid only a lesser distance can mend. it is unfortunate due to the improbability of any fixing. i just want to be held. i want to be in the arms of the only one who truly loves me. and i can't be and it hurts. my insides are screaming at me. and it hurts too hard to fight back. it's devouring my thoughts. i can't think about a ******* different thing. and you know that's how it should be. i think. i told myself love wasn't supposed to hurt anymore. but it does. it made me so fragile. why does something so good have to hurt so bad. it's hard. he's my rock. he's the only person i really have. not one to talk behind my back or keep secrets from me. friends seem to tend to do that. not this one. he's my best friend. and i have to settle seeing him on a ******* phone screen every night. i didn't realize how powerful one's touch could be. a bear hug can fix anything in the world. here i am struggling though with no arms around me. i'm happy with him. i know i am and i'm not clouded by anything. he and i really are perfect for one another. he treats me like a goddess. he knows my darkest secrets and he still kisses me back. he sees me at my worst and i'm still the last person he talks to at night. it's comforting to have a beautiful consistency in your life. it hurts to have it taken away from you. and it's not that i don't still have him. i do. his heart is with me right now in fact. but i feel like i'm being taunted. it's as if God is like ah here is the most magnificent, delicate, alluring thing you will ever have. but i'm going to put it far away from you. close enough that you can have just a taste but far away enough you don't really own it anymore. that's a lot harder than it sounds. i hate the people who question me needing to see him. "oh weren't you two together a couple weeks ago?" "aren't you going to visit in a few weeks?" oh yes pardon me. i have a difficult time not seeing my favorite thing everyday. i'm sure you would too. no one really gets it. not even other people in relationships. they don't feel what we feel. sure they feel some sort of bad pain but it's different than ours. often those people contemplate cheating and other *******. wow what a great relationship you two must have. that's the most ****** up thing about college. people think that's okay. if you want to be with someone else then why the hell are you just dragging someone you're supposed to care about down. that hurts to think about. that people genuinely think there is nothing wrong with cheating. you're a ******* ***** if you do cheat. if the love is strong enough you'll never even need to think about being with another person in your life. grow up. be decent. this turned into a rant but it's aimed towards my friend. i don't know how i'm expected to sit back and let people i care about make mistakes. then if i try to call them out on it i'm the bad person. of course no one wants to hear it. but that doesn't make what the person is doing okay. i'm so disappointed in people these days. i thought the world had a lot more good in it. it's hard to watch my faith in humanity slip away. few people keep up to how standards should be. i'm disappointed with a lot of things right now. i'm mostly disappointed with myself. i can't stay focused. i waste so much time. and i just don't care anymore. my heart doesn't want it anymore. it wants zach but i really mean it when i say that's it. it's hard pretending to want to stay at school. it's hard because i know how much happier i could be elsewhere. not even with him but anywhere that isn't ordinary scenery. i wish i wouldn't have been so ****** up the second half of high school so i could have made better decisions for myself. i'm really let down by who i let myself be. i don't have a real talent. sure i'm good at some stuff but there's nothing i thrive in. life got hard. and i thought it would be easier because i'm happy but i think whoever is up there likes tugging it away. i don't know. i think i'm still sad too. i think there will always be sad parts of me.
that's the only thing i've ever been really good at. sadness.
and where the hell do find a career in that. sure i could write and inspire people through the way i've felt but who the hell gives a **** about an average girl being sad. there are lots of average sad people out there. "not unique enough. next candidate please." i have no idea what the hell is going on with me. i was just genuinely happy this weekend. now i am sad again. i hope i don't get the real sads again. i probably still have them but who doesn't at this point. i just want to know why i'm here. and not just for the sake of love. i know i'm meant to do that. and sure no one really knows what they want to do with the rest of their lives but they at least have options. i feel like i don't. truly. i'm just not motivated enough. and i know i could be but i just don't care enough to force it on myself anymore. life hurts. i don't like that. i just want my heart to be happy and then maybe i'll be better again.

a girl can dream.

These nights of staying in
Aren't so bad after all
A little bonding with the fam
Shows you how you can be happy

With family
You always look past your differences
And sometimes
They help you have a good *** time











It's a shame how I can never tell them who I really am.

More recently
I have become a better person.

I have been nicer
And more accepting.

And now I notice
More people walking out of my life.

People that I care deeply about.

So what am I left to do?

Guess I just have to say *******.

i know i'm not smart
but for some reason i remember random details.
i have realized that everything in life has a cycle.
i recognize what phase i'm in and i hated it last time
and i hate it even more this time.
but i think i'm moving past it.

**so say goodbye to that chick that cared for everyone but herself. and goodbye to the one that was ruined. her time might not be up but i'm kicking her out.

if you couldn't already tell
i haven't been getting much sleep.
it's hard to while my life is in shambles.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
for some reason once you ended it,
the universe decided to give me the week from hell.
i feel like i haven't done anything right.
everything i touch just shatters.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
once i get dressed for bed
you used to like the way i dressed at night
and get under my covers
i should fall right asleep
after the days i've been having.
but i can't i lay there
thinking.
thinking of all our memories.
i try to find the bad ones
so i can pretend to hate you.
but they never seem to be there.
all i can recall is me ******* up
but that's nothing out of the ordinary.
so once it hits 3:58
that's the time i have picked every night
i tell myself i truly need to get some sleep.
and it excites me a little
to know that one more time i get to see you.

so once i close my eyes it's like nothing has changed. you broke my heart and my brain tries to figure out something. each night it gets worse and each night i still chase you. i know i can run distance but i don't know how much i have left in me. my brain is using a lot of my energy trying to figure out the mess that was made.
but that's not on you.
it's all on me--
i couldn't do enough.
and every night i wake up
in a panic
and short of breath
with a single tear rolling down my cheek
and it's 5:38.
every night.
and i'm tired of this pattern.
i'm sick of not knowing.
this guessing game isn't my favorite so can we please pick a new one?
i know it's not my choice.
it's always a two person game and i'm afraid i don't have a voice in this anymore.

so i guess this is goodbye but only for now.
because i'll see you again.
5 o'clock sharp.
maybe tonight i'll get some answers.

i'll talk to you in my dreams.
*or i guess now i call these nightmares.

When I come home
From hooking up
With some boy
I don't have feelings for
And I look in the mirror.

I just know

There isn't a single thing I like about the image I am seeing.

I'm not good at anything new.
I hold onto the past.
No matter how badly I want to let go.
I want something fresh.
But my mind won't let me have it.

Is this what the time of my life is supposed to be?
High school the best years of my life, right?

So all of
The laying in bed
Restlessly
Until 2 am
Thinking of all the poor decisions
From just that day

And then a little later
You look at your phone
Just to check the time
And it burns your eyes
Because they're so used to being closed
From crying by yourself

And then some time passes
And you realize it's almost 4
But you won't go to sleep
Because you don't think you deserve
To be put out of your misery
From your very own thoughts

It's 5 o'clock and the last tear
Has rolled down your cheek for the night
Because all of the bawling
Caused you to tire yourself to sleep


And then you wake up the next day
And greet your family with good morning's
And you go see your friends
And laugh your *** off
Because they think you're happy

Why shouldn't you be?
What's there to be sad about?
Don't others have it much worse?
Right??

So that's just normal.
These are the secrets of a teen.
It's really amazing.
You should try this sometime.
Because it's over before you know it.

And who wouldn't want this to end?


Cheers to the teenage years.

and i don't care how many rainy and cloudy days we've been together; ever since the day i've gotten to call you mine, i've had a beautiful light in my life that is brighter than any star known to man.

i'm radiating so much you can see my real smile again.

you are my warmth; you are my sun.
you are my rock; you are my mountains.
you are my depth; you are my oceans.
you are my strength; you are my forests.
you are my world.
love, you are my life.

with galaxies in your eyes, i can't help but stare.

we should make this thing last forever.

i'm sorry.

i'm sorry that i had always been so hard to love. and i'm sorry for the both of us that you ever did. bc it breaks my ******* heart knowing that i can't be loved by you anymore.
it ******* ***** bc it was so obvious to me that your love is no longer to me.
once i laid my head onto my bed and my thoughts started collecting it was so easy to see that we weren't meant to be.
it has to be the worst feeling in the world knowing that i was wrong about us. about you.
your forever must be a lot shorter than mine bc we were just passing two months and now there's nothing.

and it really hurts to know that i'm the problem. i know you said i wasn't but you also said you lost your attraction of me. how am i supposed to live with myself. i wish i didn't have to. live with myself knowing that the man i love can't even see beauty in me. that's so sad. that breaks my heart. it makes me feel like nothing. i can't bare looking in my mirror bc i know what i'll see is something unloved. i only need to be loved by one person and even you can't do that anymore.

and i want no pity from you. i just want you to know that everytime someone calls me beautiful i won't be able to believe it bc i'll run your words through my head and be reminded of who i really am.

it's just hard.
hard to know that the best ******* thing that has happened to me is over.

i hope the next girl is pretty.

you act like something that comes out of an ***.

always use a ******;
you would be a horrible father.

i can't believe you can say such cruel things to someone that you once loved.

but honestly what does a ******* know about feelings?

I can't tell
If the water flowing
Down my face

Is from my eyes
Being peeled open too long

Or my eyes
Crying for they haven't seen you in too long

Who are you to say
What is right and what is wrong
We are all equals
But your words seem to have power over me

Who are you to say
What is acceptable and what is unjust
Us both are the same
But your speeches are sharper than any knives

Who are you to say
What is allowed and what is incorrect
Neither you nor I are greater than another
But you seem to say how below I am of others

My mother keeps dropping hints
About the increase in size of my waist
About the decrease in space between my legs
"Are you really going to eat that?"
"You shouldn't be snacking that much."
"If you're hungry, you should probably just drink water."
"That won't digest well if you eat it now."
"You know that's going straight to your gut."
Sometimes in the silence of our house late at night I can hear her whispering, "You're not good enough."

I love you too, mom.

A genius
Manipulates others
By the others
Thinking they know
What they're doing
And they believe
They're outsmarting their hierarchy

let's take a walk.
a walk back to history.
yes i'm aware that's in the past and clearly the past means nothing to you but at one point it did so please at least pretend to be attentive.

well we can start with
the day we met.
oh did you think that was something i could forget?
don't try telling me you don't know what i'm talking about-- we're both well aware of your memory.

kennywood park.
somehow both of our groups met up and we got to talking. only small chit chat. we ended up riding the phantom together. i pretended to be forced into it but not gonna lie i liked you. you made me feel something.
at the time that ****** me off. having a feeling made me mad. keep in mind i was a ******* then.
you liked me too. i knew it and that made me even more upset. i was a ***** to its truest definition. you liked me at my absolute worst.
at one point i was so awful that i finally pushed you away. honestly, i was upset that you stopped trying but i was in even more shock that you tried in the first place-- i mean, look at me. (i know you can't bare to anymore so i'm sorry.)
after my ***** phase, you were long gone and i pretended not to notice but here i am still telling you about it.
i hit rock bottom. i was in the middle of the ocean and i was touching some sort of ground and let me tell you it was deep but i guess mentally i had a choice in it all. i didn't mean to choose depression but i guess i must have. by the way i am an awful swimmer and i knew that diving in but maybe i wasn't hoping to come out alive.

so anyways, yes i was sad all of the time and no i could never figure out an answer of why. i tried to blame it on my friend dying and sometimes the way other people treated me but let's be honest here, i deserved all of that and truly i was just ****** up. still am though. but in that darkness of it all sometimes i got to see this little bit of light. i started to realize that you were often there when this light was on.
this one night we were at a fire together and it's funny because something else sparked between us and we had our own fire. ours lit up my dark room and **** it was nice to see again.
we kept talking and talking and more led to more and then we got into some deep **** but i wasn't scared of the deep end anymore because i knew i could trust you.
oh my. when you asked me on our first date i couldn't even handle it anymore. even my darkest corners were radiating with happiness. i had absolutely no temptation to go back down under.
and thank you. thank you thank you thank you. seeing above the water was so nice. i finally got a taste for life instead of salt water. and i was addicted. completely obsessed. i know you noticed it because you knew it wasn't a game anymore and maybe that's where i started to lose you.
i actually have no ******* clue where i lost you i'm just kind of on this guess and check process. and it's really ******* hard. i guess i'm good at math but only when it's equations and **** that makes sense but honestly i've used every reference sheet i've been given to try and figure this one out and i can't ******* get it. it's been bothering me. i can't stop scratching at my skin and pulling out my hair. i don't even mean to. i don't start to pick up on what i'm doing until an hour later and it starts to burn. but that's fine i can manage that. what i'm asking for you is some sort of clue. i need an answer jake and i don't know how much longer i can take until i go back under. i know i can't rely on you as my floatation device but i've found some stand-in replacements for the time being. i'll be okay. please just give me your solution. i am officially begging you i need this. i know you don't care about me anymore but i know you once did so please help me out just one last time.
i know you aren't who you were anymore because time changes us all but come on help a ******* girl out. i used to be your favorite girl in the world. doesn't that mean anything to you anymore? i guess not.
i can feel these floaties beginning to lose air and honestly i don't know how much i care. i think i'm starting to go back under. i'm pretty sure i told you i can't swim well. i'm sure you remember. maybe you're beginning to form a selective memory to try to forget everything behind us. i know. i'm trying too but this is definitely a scenario of easier said than done.
my goodness i forgot how much i liked the taste of salt water and i really do enjoy this darkness. i guess this is goodbye..

*side note: you loved me through a lot, jake. and thank you. you've changed me as a person and i can say i have no regrets. but you loved me through my worst and to my best. but then you started going downhill. you're changing and that's all okay i understand. but you loved me at rock bottom and now that you're just in a little bump you expect me to leave? i pushed you away at one point and then you came back and look at what blossomed between us. i don't know where to go. i know i can love you through this but i'm not sure if you actually want me to. you're so much stronger than me and mentally you could deal with all of my havoc but my biggest weakness is how i think of myself so i don't know how much longer i can stick around. i'm sorry. please give me something to work with.

The rain hits windows.
As I hear it; I think more.
I am not happy.

all of the clocks stopped working.
time no longer exists.
and i want to spend until the end of the hour with you.

I am not happy.
And I don't know why.
But I can feel the sadness inside me.
Like growing dead flowers in my lungs.
I have no one left to blame for my misery.
So I'm feeling very lost.

I've been in the same town for 16 years.
But all of the sudden,
I don't know where I am.
Nor who I'm with.

*Hello. Yes. I think I could use your help. I'm not sure of my location.

Oh. I'm sorry there must be some mistake.
I'm not home.
I would recognize this place.

I am uncomfortable.
This type of lifestyle doesn't fit me.

I just had a really nice night.
With my friends.
I call them my friends.
Since we have nice times together.
But we all talk **** on each other.
So I guess it's not the nicest friendship.
But we're friends to say the most.
And that's me saying a lot.
This is a normalcy I am sick of dealing with.
So I need to leave.
Because I would much rather.
Be at peace with myself.
Than have a fake happiness.
So hopefully this is goodbye.
Because I am tired of you.

I don't know much of anything
I don't know where my life is going
Or who I'm gonna be with
How I'll end up making do
Or anything really else

I do know just a few things
I know I'm a handful
And I know I feel bad for whoever I stay with
I know I'm sadder than I should be
And I know that I should be a better person
Bc I know I have all these great people around me

But I don't know what I have to give them

I know that I'm not deserving of this beautiful life
And I know I always want to cry

I don't know why my friends say they're here for me
Bc I really don't know what I need

I know I want someone to help
And I know I want someone to be there along the way
But I also know I'm not stable enough to stay around

So I guess I do know a little
But they don't help with the things I don't know

So what does it matter if I'm more unaware than I have knowledge of?

So what does it matter?



I don't know.

i'd have to say that's an understatement.
even saying i despise you is nothing close to the anger that is living within me.
this anger is starting to get cozy in my muscles and sorry that i break so much **** sometimes it just takes over.
it has befriended the sadness that has made a home of my mind and i'm getting very annoyed with it.
its visit has been more than a year too long and every time i tell it to leave it convinces me that's where it's supposed to be.
i'm very tired of all of it but i can't sleep well because i never sleep well when i'm away and even though i'm staying at what my address is i'm afraid this isn't my home anymore. i really have been trying to find somewhere to call my home but every time i think i've found something sadness just makes me think i'm too ******* stupid to have found somewhere to live. i know it's right.

i'm sorry i always get so off track please don't blame me. sadness loves to tell its story and i'm in no place to stop it.

but truly i do hate you with everything in me. "words can't express how much i hate you." well neither can actions. only if you felt what i have felt maybe then you'd understand. but probably not because you just don't give a ****.

**i hate you.
i hate you.
i hate you.

i miss you because we're going on five months of me not seeing your face. it should be four but i couldn't bring myself to visit you in the hospital. i thought oh i'll see him tomorrow. he'll be back then but after that it had been a long time since i heard about you. i assumed all was going well but i have never thought so wrongly. i will never forget the day i found out you were no longer with us. i remember every detail about that day.

it was 11:32 am and he just told me what happened to you. i went to go help a friend but my voice was too shaky to understand. they all stared waiting for me to cry but it was more so of me needing to throw up and give a tantrum. i can recall what a parent friend told me i can't even look at you. the thought of you makes me want to cry. what are we going to do without him? i ran away from her questions just like how i wanted to run from the truth. i've never felt so guilty about smiling trying to hide my pain. i went home and cried for three hours and then my friend took me out and i started to cry because i felt bad for laughing. you could no longer laugh and that wasn't fair. i should have visited. i should have written a card. i wish i would have sacrificed myself for you and if i could have i would in a second. but now we're four months past your funeral service and i still pity myself for something i have no worth to. that's the worst of it all. that i am so sad because you aren't here to make me laugh anymore or give me hugs or cry the saddest cry or tell me made up stories. i miss you, buddy.

i sure as hell i hope i go to heaven just so i can be with you again.

how selfish am i.

Guess what?
I am too.
I'm not ******* happy.
My friend died.
I'll never see him again.
Of ******* course I'm sorry about that!

And you.
You try to tell me
"He's in a better place now."
******* it shut up already!
That's not fair.
I want to be in that better place.
I want to be with him again.
Take me there.
Now.
Please.
I will take my life for this.

Why does he get to be in the better place?
I will gladly go.
Is God just leaving me here to die?
Clearly.
And that is straight ****.
I don't want to be here anymore.
And you take away his opportunities.
When others are not thankful.
And he is the most grateful.

I really am sorry too.

No matter how hard I try
To ignore these thoughts within
They are there.
And I can't change how I feel
But I hope to change
How I show you.