I'm not usually one
To spill secrets

But as long as you don't
Pass it along
We'll be alright.

I guess I can share a few
As long as they aren't about you.

Actually they have to do
Entirely with myself.


As sad as it is,
Everyone around me
Thinks I've gone insane.

And I'd be lying if I said
I disagreed.

So listen here carefully
As I speak of me.

I'm very confused
About what to do.

They say that
Only people you know
Are in your dreams.

Which is why I can't seem
To ever fall asleep.

But also I never want
To be awoken.

Because that would mean
I'd have to see them.
And it's even worse
In my reality.

So where do I go?
Hopefully heaven.

Shhhh.
Please keep my secret.

I've never been good at commitment.
My parents tell me I never slept with the same toy twice.

I guess times haven't changed.
I can't bring myself to be with you.

You're too good for me.
And I can't allow myself to be with you.
Because the last thing I deserve
Is you.
Because you could be the best thing that's ever happened to me.
And I can't give myself that.

I don't respect myself enough.
I can't give you some **** to take your gold.

So what I'm trying to say is
We'd never work out.

As cliché as it is
It's me not you.

I can't live up to you.
Don't try to tell me I'm wrong.
Because as soon as you
Take me home to your mom.

She'll say the same ******* thing.
I think it's time to move on.

It's not fair.
I never get what I want.
Especially who I want.
I love this boy.
And he really truly likes me.
Why can't we be together.


******* it.

don't you realize how big of an impact you have on everyone?
you could be the reason someone is happy.
and more so you could be the reason why someone wants to die.

there's always one thing that keeps us up at night--
something that someone said to us.
and sadly enough it's hardly ever a good thing.

and i wish other people could realize
that what you say could put them over the edge.


sticks and stones may break my bones,
**but your words may be the thing that kills me.

i thought you at least had the decency to end it all.
you hurt me in every way possible.
you stabbed me
right in the back.
you suffocated me
with every single word you whispered.
you slapped me
with the biggest wake up call
of finding out you lied all along.
you choked me
up with the strings of slander
that you spoke with so much sincerity.
you poisoned me
with your sickening medicine
named false hopes.
but for some reason
you believed it was okay
to leave me here struggling.
i have no scars of proof
but i do have one broken heart.
that hurts like ******* hell.
maybe if i'm lucky i won't recover.
silly me for thinking
that if you took me this far
you would have just killed me.
i've never heard of something so cruel:
letting me live.

Everyday I wear a cross
But usually I forget why

I mean it's silly
A big man in the sky
Putting me through some hell
That people call life

I go to church most Sunday's
And ask for forgiveness
For things I intentionally did

I say a prayer each night
Just in case someone is listening
And during the day I'll randomly say
*******

But I guess when the bucket is kicked
I'll find out how stupid I am
Because right now it's late
And very dark outside

I love you, God
I'll talk to you tomorrow before bed.

It's funny how someone else's life can be taken away
But it takes away some of your own life
It's comical how people throw words around
Like they're the pitcher in a baseball game
It's hysterical how happy I look while laughing
And how hard I sob at night
It's hilarious how my friends don't think I know
All of the things they say when I'm not around
It's down right awful how I can never tell anyone any of this
Because I'm known to be strong

I'm closing my eyes
In hopes of waking up tomorrow
And realizing
Tonight never happened
And it was just some
Horrible nightmare.

Please.

So what do you do when someone you once loved
Or whom you thought you loved
Comes back to you
Dangling right in front of you
So close your lips can touch it
Maybe they do
Maybe even a little more than just that

But you realized it's nothing you ever wanted
A lot less than you expected
And an overall disappointment

This guy is a jack ***
But everyone else loves him

So what do you call this
Me pleasing my middle school self
And not satisfying the current me

But also not having the ***** to stop it
Or the nerve to tell him off

How do you end something you only could have ever dreamed for but now that it's here, it's not enough


When the past calls,
Never pick up.

I like
When I think
About you
Late
At night

Because
You deceive
My mind
To thinking
I'm okay

When clearly
I'm not

You put
My heart
To rest
Thinking
You
Love me
Too

But
You don't
Or else
You would have
Called
Or something

But I
Really hate
Thinking
About you
In daylight

Because
My mind
Is more conscious

And
My heart
Is less
Open

And
When the sun
Is up
Shining
On me

I
Just know
This
Is where
We
Are meant
To be


Distant.

on our first date,
we planted a seed.
everytime we talked about how much i liked you,
i watered it.
everytime we talked about how much you liked me,
you gave it your sunshine.
you were always so happy--
you were glowing and gave light to anyone who needed it. i miss that.
everytime we were together we made sure that the soil was fresh enough.
it wasn't that often but it was still enough.
a few times i was at our plant and i guess you were too. i would start checking to make sure we, i mean the plant, were okay and you came over but really only to look.
by the end of it i was the only one that got my hands ***** and i was okay with that because i know we, i mean it, became a hassle.
you kept looking and looking. i didn't mind-- didn't think much of it really. but then one day my phone rang and i looked out my window and saw us, i mean the tree, i mean our tree, and i saw you there with an axe. i knew it couldn't be good. you chopped our relationship right off, i mean that plant. i tried running out and watering it with my tears but i think i just overwatered it. it didn't help there wasn't anymore happiness in our relationship, i mean sunshine for it.

sometimes i'll think about how we, i mean how it, used to grow so well. but it was our, i mean its, time to go… i guess.

now what used to be a beautiful relationship, i mean tree, is six feet under. and i'm really hoping to make a permanent visit soon.

please go away.
i'm genuinely getting annoyed with you.
i'm starting back to my old ways and i think i'm more disgusted of who you are now than who you were then.
at least back then you were a good person and i was just a *****.
oh how the tables have turned.

but seriously please just leave.
it's annoying as **** that i have to see you first thing in the morning.
yes, i see you. i'm not blind, *******.
and it's kind of getting old how you show up in my dreams.
******* you out every night is not as fun when it's a continuous occurrence.

please go away.

I guess
I could say
It's not that bad.

Earth.

Because when
I make a mistake
I know that
Tomorrow
When I come home
There will still be
Flowers
On my trees.

So I guess
Some greater power
Shows me
That I still
Deserve beauty.

one time,
when you were dropping me off,
i had put my music in.
i know this was "big"--
you constantly reminded me.
but it made me smile
how you'd continue to let me.
i put on this one song
and i think you actually liked it.
you asked me if i listened to
the lyrics
or the sound.
i didn't really know.
i said both a little.
you told me it was about the lyrics.
i agreed
and said i liked when the artist
kept a metaphor the whole way through.
i don't know that you really listened
but you nodded your head.
so let's pretend for a moment
that you truly did agree with me.

listen to me.
my poems are my lyrics.
so connect with them.
i am an artist.
please just try to understand
for once.
i've put my thoughts in these metaphors
hoping you could grasp it.
please at least attempt to.

i am sorry.

the desire to possess the good forever.

sometimes i need to see
that life isn't going to be this fantasy.

eventually i'm going to wake up from this dream and i don't know what will be worse after that, staying awake and living reality or going back to sleep and you being my nightmare.

the clock is ticking, the sand is spilling
and i'm just hoping time doesn't run out.

Just because
I don't love you
The way I love someone else
Doesn't mean
I don't love you

I do love you
Just in your own special way
The way
You deserve

forcefully,
i'm beginning to make myself accept this.
i'm sure you would be happy to hear that,
but i know you don't listen to me anymore.

why of course i'm still bitter!
you don't just feel nothing after feeling so much.
you don't just stop caring after caring so much.

you just don't do that.


*come to think of it,,
you can't just lose something that was never yours.

a year ago
my parents wouldn't shut up about me
while boasting to their friends

now
i can count on my hand
how many seconds it takes
for them to change the subject

i used to be smart
i used to be athletic
i used to be funny
i used to be poetic

but now i'm paying for the tutor
but now i'm sitting on the bench
but now i'm being laughed at
but now i'm not capable of writing good

now the only thing I'm good at
is taking off my clothes


don't they know
what 365 days can do to you

sometimes i'll catch myself staring off to space
are you ever at peace knowing we see the same sky
and i forget what world i'm in
definitely not yours anymore
i feel myself swaying back and forth
back and forth
like the way your feelings were there and then left
were there and then left
people probably think i'm crazy
is that why you couldn't handle me anymore?

sometimes when i stare at something for too long it becomes a blur
i think you started overthinking our  
relationship-- you looked at us for too long and now it looks like a big mess
or maybe it's that i need glasses
or maybe you are right in thinking we aren't good for each other

i'm sorry we can't see this from the same perspective*
don't forget you're half of a foot taller than me

I am beginning to get this new feeling.
I don't have much of a way to describe it.
But it's this combination of love and compassion -- wanting to help others.
Mixed with this craving of being alone and giving a rudeness to all.

Recently I think I've found myself,
but I'm sad to admit that I don't like the people I am.

I have found that I am two entirely different persons.
I am a walking hypocrite.

I'll catch myself doing something that later I will judge others for.

One of me is kind, caring and wanting to make a difference.
But the other wants to leave behind all of this and get away from everyone.

Why can't I find my happy medium?

There's a devil and an angel making my decisions but why can't I find the body that fits between that makes the right decision for me.

Why can't I do what's right for me?
What do I want though?

Who am I?

My parents think I'm depressed.
And I'm starting to believe it myself.

I can't recall the last time I was truly happy.
I never accept my surroundings.

Who would've thought
That I'd end up here.

I never expected something like this
To happen to a girl like me.

I guess that's just what other people do to you.

sometimes speaking no words at all
says much more,
is even louder
than trying to explain yourself.

I sort of feel like I have this artificial happiness.
Smiles on the outside;
Worries and sadness on the in.
Is that how I'm supposed to be?
I guess I don't care.
Because I think I'm kind of happy.

99% of the time I feel like a ****** person

And the other 1% I should feel like a ****** person

I apologize for everything
Even when it's not my fault.

I guess it's because
No one ever apologizes to me.
And I don't want anyone feel that way.

Late at night
You look up
A clear sky so to speak
Crystal clear -
You can see to other galaxies
Billions of stars
Millions of planets
All waiting for some recognition
Or to be found
I guess I, too, come out at night
For these same things.

So maybe we aren't all so different.
Alike in our emptiness
Along with our vastness
And also our sadness.
Yes we have our own variations.
Maybe in looks
Possibly in styles.
But we are more the same than anything else.

By my size or the way I dress you may judge.
But you must see a little bit of me in you.
How similar we are
Sitting out late at night
Looking for just something.

my pillow is drenched.
i could probably wring out a bucket full of tears.
i don't know where to put them because this is the most i've lost in a long time. probably since my last lifetime-- maybe even the one before that.

i know i shouldn't be crying because i know you aren't.
and that's hard.
it's hard because you're so emotional and sensitive-- in a good way,
and not a single tear is on your pillow tonight.
you haven't had to use a single tissue to try and be able to breathe through your nose again,,
let alone a whole box.

it will be hard to see you in the crowd,
knowing that there's so much behind us.
and i know you won't struggle with it at all,
because when our eyes meet you'll only turn your head because you can't deal with the horror of my face.
it's not at all hard for you though
because clearly you feel nothing.

that's the hardest part.
knowing that you fell so hard so quickly
and i guess it takes even less than that for you to get back up.

but i'm still lying on the floor
please don't mind my heavy breathing,,
just another anxiety attack.

it's really hard to stand up
when i'm feeling so weak.
even if i could i know one look at you and i'd fall just as hard as the last time.

i know you don't care anymore
because i know you are careful with your word choice
and those words that you chose hammered me down and i know i'm not capable of getting back up.
only the strength of your voice can take out the nails.
and i'm afraid we're long past you wanting to help me.
because if you did care at all,,
we wouldn't be here in the first place.

to anyone trying to help:
i am sorry for being so hard to lift up.

seeing you.
and knowing that we're nothing.

that was so much harder than it was supposed to be.

life is a lot harder when you have no one to turn to.

why yes,
i have friends.
and yes,
we hang out sometimes.

but that doesn't mean i'm not alone.

saturday night:
we go to a party and get drunk as hell.
then i sober up for a half of an hour before i go home to my parents.
what a great night.
but then it's 4am and i'm shaking in my bed because i'm terrified of my thoughts.
there's no where to run and no one to comfort me.
because if i ever say how i really feel,,
they'll know how mentally unstable i am
or they'll think i say it for attention.

i think of myself as a selfless person
but even i need to talk about myself sometimes.
(i'm sorry for that by the way)
but when i do want to talk you can't seem to find the time.

i didn't mean to bother you i really am sorry i just don't know where to go sometimes.

*i am constantly searching for a corner to hide in but i find myself in the center of a circle that i don't want to be in anymore.

tonight i saw your mother.
and let me tell you it was ******* than seeing you the day after we ended it.

she asked me how i was and even though i said good i think she knew the actual answer. how am i supposed to be "good" when you are better than great without me. more specifically with someone else.

i know it was my fault and when i went to let go of the hug and she pulled me in tighter i couldn't help but start to cry.
it just isn't fair.
and life isn't fair.

but that's just how things are.
there's always a winner and a loser and even with that extra half of a foot grown within your bones you were still so high up. i don't think you could even see me. or you just avoided eye contact-- as always.
what i'm getting at is there's always someone on top, and there's always someone on the bottom.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

You're done crying
But you still have the reminder of the pain.

I hate the way I go talk to my friends
And they have no idea
That when I smile
I can still feel the salt from my tears.

I hate that feeling of the salt
Because I know I could still trace the way the water once fell.

I hate the way tears dry on my cheeks.

The best advice I can give you
Is that nothing lasts forever.

Because one day you're going to be dead and one day maybe long after that, but sometimes not, the idea of you is going to die. People are going to forget who you are and one day someone will say your name for the last time.

That's scary but at the same time it gives me peace.
Peace to know that every mistake I make,
Will at one time never matter.

Some time from now every thing, great or small, will not matter.

I was just one mark on the world and one day I'm going to fade away.

Just as the rest of us.

you were an expense i could never afford.
now i'm indebted to you forever.

a price i want to pay off but can't.

when we started all of this i wanted to be with you to make you happy.
clearly i couldn't do that anymore&& i'm sorry for that. in the beginning we made each other so happy. and i have a difficult time understanding what i did that changed your happiness.
but i guess that's life and one of its mysteries and we just have to move on from this. and by we i mean me because you're already so far past me. but that's okay that's how things happen. and i will never understand but just think of all of the things i will never understand. heck, what i do understand is so minute we might as well call it nothing.

of course i still love you,
i don't know why but it's just one of those life things that just happens and that's okay. being that i still love you means i want you to be happy. and your happiness no longer includes me but i'm beginning to come to terms with that. so i hope you enjoy the rest of your life and i hope one day you will talk to me by choice because what we once had doesn't go away-- even if it just ends up in a friendship.

sometimes that's what you need.
a friend.
and i will always be willing to be yours so never be afraid to give me a call.

Cause I guess I'm part
Of this larger plan.

All these hard times
Will eventually
Lead to greatness.

That's what they say
Right?

Well I'll let you in
On a little secret.

We all end up in the same place.

For every action
There is an opposite, equal
Reaction.

That's what the chemists say,
But I promise I'm no scientist
And I, too, believe in this.

Every time you win,
Someone else loses.

Every new child brought into this world,
Another one exits.

And every angel that whispers encouragements,
A devil tells you even in hell you couldn't do it.

When you're feeling really horrible
All you have to say when someone asks what's wrong is I'm tired.
It's always believable and no one cares enough to check further
When really all I think is how badly
I just need someone
To be there for me

Tonight I decided
I really deserve all of this.

It's my own fault
It's my own decisions
It's my own guilt.

Tonight I did something
In which I deserve no forgiveness.

I do not expect it
Because I meant what I did
And when I apologize
Know it has no meaning.

So I guess I don't know what to do anymore

Because my actions of tonight
Will hurt a lot of people.

People that I care a lot about
Or that's what I tell myself.

Maybe that's why.

Maybe my bark is bigger than my bite.
Because when I hug you goodbye
And say love you
It means just as much as my apology.



I'm sorry.









But no sincerity.

Thank you,
For judging me
You were only trying to help I'm sure
You sat me down with our tea

And discussed my problems
"I'm afraid what your doing is horribly wrong.
You should be ashamed of being with boys
Only wearing a thong."

I listen to you.
I apologize to you.
I acknowledge you.
I try to explain to you.

You don't understand however.
Which is not fair.
I have a reason for my doings.
All you do is stare.

"Sweety don't you know?
You will be so regretful.
If you stop now,
I promise not to say 'I told you so'."

I hold my tongue but once she's done,
I try once more to be polite.
I am extremely thoughtful with my words.
I even give her some advice.

She talks to me about boy problems.
"I want to get back with him.
Maybe we'll just fool around.
That'll get him to fall for me."

I explain to her that doesn't work.
If anything use me as an example.
Expressing love does not result in love.
"Don't do this to yourself. It doesn't work."

She stands up and speaks,
"How dare you think you know who I am!
I am smart and I do what I want!
I'd never expect you to understand!"

While I do know more than she,
I am posed as a threat to her plot.
I was just trying to be helpful.
Avoid her sorrows I thought.

"I can't believe you of all people say that to me!
You're the one hooking up with someone you no longer love!"
She walked out and left.
Her words were true.

It upset me
She didn't comprehend why
She wouldn't let me describe my problem
It was hurtful

I stopped speaking to her
Just for a little while
I guess you could say
It was to get my point across

The next time we spoke
She told me a story
Of her and a boy she never met
And what happened when she got tipsy one night

I was mad
She told me what I was doing was atrocious
Yet she did worse
And I at least know my companion

The way she spoke to me saddened me
The way she didn't notice me saddened me
The way she played off her act of trash saddened me
The way she first judged me saddened me

The way she thought things were the same upset me
The way she expected acceptance upset me
The way she thinks we are besties upset me
The way she acts, higher than everyone, upset me

But this is how friendships are, right?
Friends treat you like ****, right?
But they expect more than the world back from you, right?
This is just a ****** life, right?

is it right to still call this love?
being in a relationship is to make each other better but i can assure you i've never been worse and i'm afraid it's never going to get better. i keep telling you it will all be okay and that everything happens for a reason but i can't tell you how many dark hours i've spent trying to find that reason. you've hurt me so badly i've run out of feelings. i just want to feel something. i'd ask you to punch me but i think the back stab was enough of a wound to my body. to others, your weapon may only look like a butter knife but i'd just like to say if you stab someone hard enough, no matter what you use it hurts like a *****. since you were the one holding the knife it hurt worse than falling into hell. so recently ago i thought you fell from heaven. i kept saying he's too good to be true. did i find my perfect guy? i guess i spoke a little too soon. you were too good to be true and i think it's time to get my vision checked bc through my eyes i still see you as the one. i was thinking long term for us but now i'm not so sure if i was in love with you or the idea of us. i'm sorry for questioning that but why would someone you love do that to you? still searching for the answer. i think i'm finally done bleeding out but let me just say i lost a lot more than just blood last night. this **** on my chest is huge i don't know how you made it so large. i just want you to help me mend it. but you can't because you're still shaken up from the damage you've done. i'm the one lying in the hospital bed but you're the one who's crying. i don't know what else to tell you. how often do you hear about the victim apologizing? i can say this is no normal case but i still need to hear you defend yourself. i keep looking down at where my heart was and i can't seem to find anything there anymore. i really need you to be here for me but you aren't. i don't know where to go but for some odd reason i want you by my side at my next destination. i know this is going to scar. i don't think it will ever go away and you told me if that's what i believe i should just quit. but how do i walk away from a guy like you? i'm staring at the facts but the more i look the more it seems your mistakes are being erased by the idea of the man i thought you were.

i'm sorry for getting blood on your shirt.

please tell me you still love me.

i miss the way my name rolled off your tongue.

you can't fall in love with someone only because they love you too.

i have a hard time getting out my house key.

i hate how much i crave being loved--
it just sounds like it would be something nice.

please never tell me something that you don't mean,,
because i'm too stupid not to believe it.