Repeating the words "I know what it's like without you and I hate it" over and over and over again in my head
But the words someone how change to "I know what it's like without you and I'm scared" they are both the same thing I guess
Whispering over and over and over again to my ceiling "I don't want you to go I don't want you to go I don't want you to go"

Your eyes won't leave my head

There's a list of all the people who left and I keep writing your name down and then crossing it off
It's been too many times now
You should have stayed away
I learned to cope without seeing your face
I thought I'd be fine if I never saw you again
I knew it was a lie
Do you know what it's like to live on a shelf?
Do you understand your reality?
Do you wake up alone every morning and wonder what made you so weak?

I'm sixteen, I have a ****** ******* reputation that I managed to make for myself in an attempt to find my people
And yeah, I found my people
But the important ones are leaving
And I'm so ******* scared

The past two years taught me that they always come back
When you see someone you used to love, friendship or relationship
It's impossible not to miss them when u feel lonely
But when they move away
And they no longer see your face
They will forget you
They will not come back
They will move on

I was everything
I am nothing

I'm listening to the band you showed me
I'm remembering that day
In your bed
When I didn't know where we stood, but I knew it was too far away

I'm wearing my ex boyfriends shirt while telling you that when summers over I'm never going to feel loved again, cruelly ironic

Did I mention I was scared?

I love dead Beats cause they never leave so they never forget
My ex has a girlfriend but he told me it's gunna end
He told me that he misses me
And I've spent a lot of nights losing my mind because he's gone
Because I thought he didn't miss me
But apparently it's impossible to ignore someone in a town of 1600 people even in the middle of summer and everyone seems so alike

I want to fast forward to the future, see what it brings for you and I

That night by the falls last month, when you were crying and I was too scared to cry, you said you can't picture yourself in the future, implied you don't have one
I held your hand
I avoided your eyes

I told you it'd all work out, not having a single clue

That was the time I should have told you I loved you
Before we ******
Before I was hit with the reality of you leaving
When you really needed to know it

I'm sorry

Dear Mother,
Your children are ******* dying
We your kids spend too much time walking the fine line and falling to one side
The pain, never any gain
Dead ends, dead friends
This is not your fault, this is our own
Our mentors being drug addicts or dead never influenced us to do much good,
and I'm sorry we never told you
About our struggles, never talked much about anything
I'm sorry I can't decide wether or not I love you
I'm sorry we don't love ourselves
You worked hard to create greatness but oh god we really ****** up along the way

How can I just break it off
Leave everyone who loves me or didn't love me enough behind
There is a weight on my chest the size of your dark room
Filled with both of our pain and self doubt
I can't react
My rock is slowly sinking and my mind is over thinking
There is no gasp for air, no final fight, no goodbye
When did it end for you?
When did you realize my silence was too loud for you to put up with?
How many years till I can light up a cigarette and not feel this lack?
I am trying
I am pulling myself apart attempting to be what you want not just what you need
I remember the fire
The spark that follows the reconnect of two intellects like the window in your bedroom versus the brick on my chest
We are the heavy weight champs
I am the used and abused
The silent "I love you's" I drew on your back while you were fast asleep; lonely

Waiting for the weekend is not longer an option
Anticipating a pay cheque is no longer just waiting to go shopping
The freedom that comes along with sobriety is no longer an option

Sobriety has never been my strong suit nor something I am ready to achieve

Lines and parachutes are the ropes that hold me together
But they are also pulling me apart

It's Tuesday morning and I arrive at school with my sunglasses on feeling both nothing and everything at once
Overwhelmed with the fear of being found out but at the same time afraid no one will find out
The damage I've done and continue doing can be stopped
But not without my minds consent and my nervous systems support
Both are severely lacking and attacking what little I do have left

Getting high on the weekend at parties used to be fun
Now I can barely feel the high even after several pills and lines

Sobriety is a group effort and not all the parts of my mind are open to the idea

The pause while passionate kissing is a painful one
Millimetres away from your tongue
Feeling your exhale on my lower lip
Our tongues meet again
Relief

I'm all empty smoke packs while he's chain smoking without offering me a drag

Nothing more than coffins
French kiss
Ignorance
Bliss

I told him I wanted to feel whole again
I asked him to set me free
Nothing louder than a whisper while he's fast asleep

All I feel is pain
No
All I feel is nothing

I'm left sitting in my room wondering who discovered attraction
Who first felt the need to touch their lips against another's
Who fumbled in the dark and discovered the power of naturally produced dopamine

Will I ever escape his grasp?
Will I ever feel whole without his lips no more than a millimetre away?
I sit and I wonder

This is a sickeness
This is an obsession

I've experimented with drugs but I've yet to find a rock that gets me this high nor has such confusingly addictive qualities

Like the day after Molly depression I feel the weight of your absence
Although I inhale it often
Both your skin and these pills
I will never be okay with the loneliness that I feel while away from both drugs and him

I often picture myself at your front door
Crying
Screaming
Begging for more

My last relationship was no more than use and abuse
And all I've ever wanted was calm and gentle touch
He understands
He understands so well
Accepts my tears, indecisiveness,  loud words and fear of physical contact while sober

I can't do this alone
I'm waiting in a line and I'm scared and I'm quiet
I'm waiting for the next time you'll decide you're lonely and breath me in
I'm waiting to hold your hand in public without fear of past lovers noticing

Six months without talking or eye contact only proves that I'll always ******* wait for you
I can't describe my love
I want to write it all down
But there is not any amount of words in Collins dictionary that could spell out my attraction to you

I know I'm not what you want
I know I'm what you need
I know you are tired
I feel the lack of love when you speak

Hold me
Set me free

The lack isn't enough
The absence of another set of hands is proving to be tough
No ones asked me how I'm doing for quite awhile
I remember your bed
I remember how much we didn't care about each other's pasts or the lingering of our own deadly thoughts
If you are the golf course and I am the rain then I'd like to go back to that night and remember how it felt to be completely ****** up and utterly insane
But I'm tired
No
I'm exhausted
A year ago I was not alone
I had dug a hole in a boys heart and filled it with suicidal thoughts and unanswered questions, both his and my own, and destroyed myself while calling it "love"
I think I was hiding
Using him as a mask
Because I was terrified and needed someone to provide me with a flask and cigarette addiction
The past is the past
But the past is all I have
The present is proving to be boring and the futures a *****
I guess I'll just be alone for now
Get dragged by the snow drifts and mesmorized by the wind
Stand out in the freezing snow and think about how I never feel warm anymore
Cause when I'm alone I'm cold to the core
Bored

In this small town you'll visit many places, see new faces and learn how to get all kinds of ****** up
You'll visit these basements and lofts
You'll make lots of friends
You'll create a lot of enemies
For we're all teenagers
Throwing our twenties at the stars
Checking each other's wrists
Comparing the number of stars to scars
At one point or another you'll give in
At one point you'll do everything your mother prayed about and swore you'd never do
Next thing you know you'll be 3 lines deep and sitting on a strangers lap
Four months later you won't be strangers anymore
Four months later ******* is just a new normal in your life
A year later you'll be kicked out of your parents house
A year later you'll be screaming and crying and listening to every sad song that's ever been written and compare  it to you
These are all the things you'll experience
As we wave hello and scream "Welcome to Bridge-City baby"
Because we are the survivors
With many problems and too many lovers
We are the kids who stay up all night and mosh to metal music till we collapse
For we are the kids they call sad and hopeless
Yet we're full of love and full of drugs
Yet there's never a dull moment and there's always someone laughing
We'll give you a new place to call home
We'll make you or break you
Welcome to Bridge-City baby
Buildings built of drugs and loud music
Home