My mind is filled with the chaotic ramblings
Of a wanton fool
Obsessed with bulldozing reality
My thoughts rewinding and replaying and repeating
The unfixable concepts that are brought on by unfulfillment
Begging for sneak peaks of an invisible future
And road maps to moments now past.
Searching for solutions in the here and now
When the here and now is just imagination.
.
The rejection of acceptance fuels
An unreasonable mind
That prefers fantasy to non-fiction

My control quickly turns me  
From convivial chatter  
To hapless conundrums  
And historic fantasies.  
My phased out eyes  
Are listening without listening  
Present thoughts  
Dissolve into ‘what ifs’ and ‘when’s’ and ‘who’s’  
You speak at me, unaware. I smile.  

The control clicks refresh    
Conceptualising my lack of attention  
My inside voice yelling ‘listen!’  
Your lips are shapes I could paint  
Look for the formations  
In the highlights and shadows  
The pinks of the turned corner of the mouth.  
I’m listening. I am.  

Lips oscillating sounds  
I can hear the words  
Dancing on walls and windows and me  
Structured dialect  
Deep from the diaphragm  
Daring my standard and generic return.  
  
My control snaps its fingers  
To take my cue  
Because you’re laughing  
And looking  
Eyes asking…  
So I laugh in return.

Leaning into the vacuum
That pulls my mind in two
I dangle here
Out of choice
Stifling my vocal chords
With thoughts of you.

Allowing the dense waves
That cause my desolation
I let them seep
Within my veins
Beating away glimmers
With hapless temptation.

Sometimes I touch upon
The rippled waves
And fresh salt smell.
Careless and free I swim
In the blue lagoons
Listening to the hum of a busy earth
That passes too fast around me.
Sometimes I feel the sun
Its warmth pricking against my skin
Reminding me to breathe spring in.

Nostalgia is
The laughter down the rec
As we poured beer
And did milk shots

Nostalgia is
The camp fires
The boys added hairspray to
And panicked

Nostalgia is
Your arm around my shoulder
Protective and proud
And very nervous

Nostalgia is
The Daisy chains
And gossip of
Who kissed who

Nostalgia is
The innocence of
Running wild in fields
Till the sun came up

Nostalgia is
Our beating hearts
Under the duvet
Hoping your brother didn’t hear

Nostalgia is
Knowing it’s just a memory
No longer to be
Repeated

Nostalgia is
Looking at old photos
With a half smile
And chest ache