Days like today
when the world is too much,
and every sound grates against my nerves,
every responsibility weighs too heavy,
and the only comfort is in these lines,
where it is sheer force of will to move,
to work and seek and to love,
when it is much easier to fall,
to sink and sleuth
into the floor
and let it all go,
I cannot.

Sometimes I sit and wonder
who would I want to be
if I weren't me?
Would I be that girl who always
accomplishes her goals?
Would I be that woman
who made it to the top?
But then I start to wonder,
to the top of what?

Sometimes I'll sit and daydream....
of something spectacular I want to do.
But I can never fully grasp
what that spectacular thing is.
I run from one dream to another
with no closure
and never really waking up
from the dream.

Sometimes I'll sit and think about
yesterday, or ten years ago... or twenty
and I question why I did the things I did.
Some events were easy,
some were difficult....
and I pat myself on the back
for making it
through those tough times.
Then I scold myself
for not accomplishing more
during the easy times.

But most of the time
I just worry a lot.
I worry about the future.
How will I ever afford to fully retire?
How will my children care
for an elderly mother?
How much longer will I live?

Sometimes I simply look around me
and drink in the here and now.
Sometimes I feel so full of love and joy I could burst!
So many things to be thankful for,
so many.

I know now that life goes by so quickly.
So lately when I sit and wonder about my life,
I think the best way I can spend the rest of it
is by simply thinking of others and doing for others.
Even some simple little thing
like bringing someone flowers,
or visiting someone lonely....
might just be the most important things
I can ever do with the rest of my life.

I think you like the idea of me.
Because I’m unexpected.
I’m not obligations or schedules,
staring down the barrel of 25 years
that have already been planned out.
I’m spur of the moment
“Wanna grab drinks?”
and blowing off other plans.
I’m heavy breaths in parking garages
accidental brushes in passing.
I’m windows that slowly fog up
in your front seat
while we whisper even though we’re alone.
I’m kisses pressed up against alley walls
because you couldn’t control yourself one more second..
Headlights bouncing between irises in stolen glances
“Tell me you want me.”
I want you.
You say I’m intoxicating...
You like the idea of that.

But I like you.

See to me,
you aren’t an idea.
You’re laughing out loud for the first time in a while.
You’re hands shaking while I drive to meet you
lighting one last Newport
to calm my nerves in the parking lot.  
You’re silent wishes that you’ll kiss me around the next corner,
and forgetting we’re in public
because all I can see is you.
You’re whispering while I kiss you softly
because you’ve left me speechless,
and I'm scared to speak too loudly,
for fear that you'll disappear.
“I can’t stop thinking about you.”
I can’t.
Because this is real for me.
You're real, to me.

So how much longer do I wait
to be real to you too?