I would like for the old ry to die tonight.
I'm rewriting the script:
The escape artist quits,
having never fully escaped.
Held down by the mask's weight,
I have to cut it free,
to honor past seeds of the family tree.  
So now the last thing I have to face is - reality.

I knew my father's death-date before I knew his birthday.  Felt a hint of shame in saying that, but he wasnt around, nothing to celebrate.  I was under the impression he didn't want me, so I left even the thought of knowing him behind.  I held resentment buired in my heart for a long time, dormant, for he didn't often cross my mind.  When tensions were high as a child sometimes I would get the, "...live with your father." threats...but what would scare me most about that was leaving my friends.  
  A few myspace messages are all we had, but through it I got to see how you represented yourself.  Warm and caring.  You definitely liked to have fun, but while you were able, you were there for those that needed you for love.  Mom, as I got older, would trip out over the resemblance...but beyond looks; voice&personality.  Your birthday is December 12th, and I get to celebrate it at a rap show with friends in New Orleans.  12/12...one two one two, the hip-hop in me once breathed in the hip-hop in you.  Today is ten years, wild how fast the time flies.  No longer though do I sit and wonder why.  Feel free to press send on the message from the heaven you settled in.  
   We met for three days when you came to visit ma n me while I was 3.  1+2, 1+2...3, 3.  I must be being watched over by a 33rd degree - angel.  Your loss was painful.  I'm still learning how to heal & study angles from the pool table.   Seriously playful, but I had to learn to pick up self whenever my head would hang low.   Christmas 2008 was planned for...but November 16th brought too much snow.  Yeah, it blows.  But I've already had my sadness overdose.  We were getting close to being close, but your absence in life taught me how to grow.  Taught me how to stay warm when your environment is cold.  Just wish I could hear your thoughts of all you'd want me to know.  Still, energy forever flows, this book is never closed.
           Love you pops

They say when depressed you should get some deep rest.  Yet I'm consistently day-dreaming over feelings,
Ready for the next stimulus, rare for anybody to catch me sleeping when it's convenient.  Magician fishing for some closeness, vulnerable to half these ill-advised potions.  Serotonin is potent, but so is the poison from the snake bite in motion.  Funeral Bin Laden style, just toss me in the ocean.  Future 100% uncertain, still going.  Violence stays televised like we're the vain new-age Romans.  Ready to vacation outside the galaxy, the door is open.  Still learning to surf these tall waves of emotion.  
P u r g e, just needed to release, please take your vitamins and find your peace.  Loaded with hypocrisy, imma shut up and take a seat, and let silence speak to me about the reality behind the scenes.  Need to learn more before I can truly teach.  Currently remembering that our energy extends beyond our reach.  We really have and are all that we seek, gotta stop measuring self by day of the work week and instead watch the leaves leave the tree.  There's so much beauty in what's not spoken, nature offers therapy for free.  
Wrote all that, just needed to breathe.

Fell through the lion's gate maybe sippin' too much of Mercury's Gatorade.  Head all over the space still forcing construction so the levee won't break.  I barely leave my mind when I get heavy for heaven's sake.  Hard to translate the mental pain when so many seem to exist on different planes.  I reside in light and shadow so I know none of this is strange.  I've taken off the mask but haven't gotten out the stains.  Ego popped up and tried labeling the experience as delirious.  Yet I can't recall E existing with long periods of fearlessness.  I'm releasing repressed emotion B, cheers - here it is.  Time to shed the shell of what was, this is Sirius.

I'm all too used to the touch of your absence.  Your mother's wrath in that time can be a death sentence so tragic.  But when you come back, Demeter returns to her senses expressing light magic.   Life springs through the darkness, and flowers race to see who can reach the farthest.  Lovers emerge to nurture their gardens, and soak in sun to thaw out the hearts that hardened.  Birds sing songs highlighting your arrival.  Trees breathe easy seeing what their last set of leaves died for..
Yet when you retreat, mother again takes away her warmth.  The high-flyers no longer soar, and some paths feel too bitter to explore.  Bone-chill zones, a frozen reality stream.  I can't blame anyone for what's a part of me, as we fall into winter's annual dream.
Queen of the Underworld, I appreciate your harmony.  Thank you for teaching me to see the depths of my own duality.  Still, I can't help but wonder how existence would be had you not eaten those pomegranate seeds.  In the darkness of winter I want to curse Hades for his greedy need to leach on life through trickery.  Though to curse him I'd be cursing myself and ive had it with the blasphemy.  Besides I too know what it's like to rely on the dead as your only company.  I ride ebbs and flows of loss and hope, but I know your presence promotes healing.  So again I'll remain as the seasons change, taking layers and peeling.  I've found in light and dark we can succeed in setting our bound spirits free.  Communicator of both worlds, I want to Thank and honor you, Persephone~

Deflate me, break me, rearrange and stake me.  Throw me between the earth's plates and let the quake take me.  Shake me, drag a rake across my face.  Anything to get feeling, blast me into space.

Hang me by interpretations before claiming forgetful.  Squint through your scope attempting to hit soul, but blinded are we giving in to our egos.  It's your fault it's my fault, taunts haunt the physical shell.  I'm acquainted with heaven and still take part in hell.  Attitudes beyond words can cast malicious spells.  Is it coming from a singular source, it's really ******* hard to tell.  I don't even know who to talk to when I'm not feeling well.  Set up traps for self and swiftly fell.  Here I am again, cross-legged at the bottom.  Want nothing more than to transcend and blossom.  Maybe I'll be found as nothing more than a fossil.  No biological functions or need for a role model.  Into the infinite where all things are possible.  It is my intention to let go and heal through astral projection.  Strange how things can seem so hollow in this 3rd dimension.  I want to see past holograms and move forward beyond fear.  Body still warm into the night I disappear.

It feels like all I'm gonna be for Halloween is depressed.  No need for a purchase which at this point is certain debt.  I wanna show my insides, peer past the pigments of flesh.  Is everything coming together or apart, my head is a mess.  Ego got me thinking certain ways as if possessed.  When I only wanna speak from the ***** in my chest.  A costume that shows what you are on the inside, dead.  Dry bones resting on a cobwebbed throne, with crown upside down pressed into my dome.  King of nothing other than this holy temple with holes poked through the face with the sharpest of pencils.  I offer payment for my strangeness in the form of two words, let go.  Took my first breath on the day of the dead, coincidence?  Oh no.  Look through eye holes to the back of my skull.  Pushed as far as I thought I could go, only to know I needed to pull.  Cup was full of luke warm contents.  Why do conversations morph into a blind rage contest?  I jumped into the depths and tried to befriend the loch Ness.  It was conditioned to it's living and saw me as more stress.  I just thought I needed someone with whom I could decompress.  Lesson learned I swam away shouting "blessed!" with no regrets I sat in the cemetery among the lifeless. Only to remind us all about being timeless. 
Take a breath.

We must steam-clean the rugs that we pray on in our dreams
Lest we forget to address the inaudible screams
Tar pit vocals get you stuck on words said
Yet My essence is stronger than my coffee and cigarette breath.
I walk a thin line between wanting to call upon spirit guides, and not wanting to waste their time.
Who is speaking, me or some form of you glued to my mind?
I feel undefined in a world so categorized
Still trying to heal my blindness to the light that shines
Stretch through confines and decompress the spine
I make my way from the grave after ridding stressful expressions through rhyme
Again falling in lines with life
Say goodbye to the plight, and keep the dreams in sight - peace/goodnight

Silence...a moment with self, because from no other can the answers be dealt.  It's nice to get help, but within you is informational untapped wealth.  Can't keep riding down this avenue, for, with what I believe in, in the long run it'd be untrue.  Excuses are for those who refuse to cope.  A life led in that direction without reflection will only stumble to crash from a downhill *****.  Simply existing is genuinely resisting the life that could be.  Slave to the system, and slave to your mind, are you ever going to be free?

Is anybody listening, or rather glistening from contentment?  In a future time don't look back upset with where the years went.  Be true and think through how it is you want the currency spent.  Some people keep kicking in the wrong direction never really ever leaving a dent.  Is this just to vent, or to better human nature?  Chances are, by tomorrow, it won't even be remembered - reminding me again the time is now to savor -  get going creator, show the world your flavors.

In my dream, I was at a best friend's house.  I noticed his neighbor's family outside in the backyard and wanted to tell them goodbye, for I'd be moving.  The youngest, was among the most adorable little girls I've ever seen/heard.  She said, "Ryan, come see how many cupcakes taller I got!" I chatted with her more than any other, and she seemed to grow sad and quiet due to me having to relocate.  Next thing I know, I'm in a war zone in what I believe to be the middle East, waiting for the moment when the bullets start flying.  I realize I've been here before.  Armed only with a pistol, it was me and few others in this room that seemed very unsafe...the walls seemed thick, yet there were 3 very big windows.  Holes in the walls accompanied by rattling noises were flooding my senses.  I made eye contact with a nearby "enemy" as he aimed the end of his turret at me.  Immediately I ran to a corner out of his gaze, as bullets whizzed past me, missing my body by mere inches.  Others joined me in that corner, hoping to remain safe.  I felt fear, and reflected on this morning - of me telling my girlfriend that I saw us both getting ready for our wedding.  Just then, in the arms of an older woman immediately in front of me, was this little girl looking so deeply inside my soul.  She seemed so similar to the little girl who wanted to show me how many cupcakes taller she was.. I decided right then to take very deep breaths and provide a sense of calm.  I kept repeating to myself "We're not gonna die today.."

I woke up.