i am terrified.
completely.
of this being the best it gets.
that I've peaked.
as one of my old friends who i bumped into today put it
i've got my **** together.
and that scares me.

It's funny looking through my memories
Seeing all the good times yet
Only focusing on the bad times
How fat I was
How I still am
How I managed to eat all this food I've taken photos of
Remembering being able to savour then without thinking about how I was going to get rid of it
About the calories
And it almost makes me want to throw up

I just want to disappear into nothingness
So nothing can hurt me again

if you were here,

          would you be disappointed?

An expression of my depression
"How can you be so sad?"
"You live a lovely life"
"No reason to be mad"

The variety of my anxiety
"But you seem so calm and normal"
"It's really not a big deal"
"The way you're acting is just awful!"

So let me cut open my chest so that you can just see
The pain, the angst, the happiness amongst the misery.

Wasted time and wasted efforts
For you to say something so hurtful
So easily
Maybe it slipped out
Maybe it didn't mean anything
But you're right
There's a problem there.
And your priorities are clear
I'm not welcome here

I thought it was over
the moment he left
I thought it was quick
and had come to and end

little did I know the consequence
of being friends with a man

I thought i was no one
and no one truly cared
about who i was
until he was there

he made me feel beautiful
and acted all deep
and nobody warned me
that he was a creep

I had a scare recently
and i shared with a friend
and all she did was congratulate me
on being with a man

because that's our society
and no one understands
the fear that i felt
when he last held my hands

-
opened 21 minutes ago

I finally said it
I finally told you how I felt
I was okay to be your friend
It didn't matter that you didn't want me
The way it is, no, was, is enough.

read 21 minutes ago

No reply

And it hurts all over again

I won't ask for help
It's about time I helped myself
I just don't know where to start

Silence eats away at my soul
Which is why I always play a sound track in my head
On the speakers
In the car
Everywhere
And since I met you
Nearly every song reminds me of you
Of some moment we spent together
I can't listen to my favorite bands
I can't listen to my favorite songs
Without thinking of you
And this was okay
You have a girlfriend
I had unrequited feelings that would never see the light of day
And we could just ignore the spark
It was fine
But since I heard those words spill
Out of a drunk girls mouth
I can't look at you properly

"He's cheating on her. Heaps of girls too"

Maybe it's a rumour, I really hope it is.
If it's not, I don't doubt that you'll blame it on your father
If it's not,
I'd rather let the silence eat me away
Than be reminded of you by every single song








I'd rather live in silence
Than listen to songs that remind me of you.

Can’t you just admit that you’re cold?
Arent we getting a bit old
to play this game, whats the
Aim anymore?
I can’t even tell whats worth fighting for

I walked down the street
A few strange people I so happened to meet
And I just felt so alone
Til your cavalier smile popped up on my phone screen

And we sang and laughed and chatted for a while
You told me just how she made you smile
And oh, what a shame
That I just cannot be there for you again
And oh, what a shame
Somehow she managed to beat me at my game

Late nights and random calls
You tell me that you haven’t missed me at all
Cause you’ve got her now, that’s what I assume
You’re finally together
                                      
                                         (maybe forever)

And break is coming to an end
You’ve already tossed me out like last years fashion trends
And I watched you both while you walked
But you didn’t notice me in our old spot

And you sang and laughed and chatted for a while
I watched from afar cause she makes you smile now
And oh, what a shame
That I just cannot mention your name
And oh, what a shame
Somehow she managed to beat me at my game

Bruises here,
and bruises there.
Bruises cover
e v e r y w h e r e

And on your ankle
swollen as can be
there is a shadow of
m y s t e r y

Upon your chest,
as bright as a star
there is a scratch, a
b a t t l e s c a r

And now I guess
you should really stop
whingeing about it, it's
a l l     y o u r     f a u l t

Ah! The drama!
To be young and in love!
Well give me a break,
he's just simply very attractive

Well surely there  must be
somebody you're into.
Are you like your aunty, hmm?
More into the (cough cough)
Ahem. Females?

Oh, come off it,
I just don't wanna talk
about it with you lot

No, no! She's interested in both,
don't you know? Don't quite
understand how,
but I'm sure it's just a phase.

Yes! Yes she does it all
for the attention,
don't you sweetie?

Well come on now,
tell us who is right


-

Touch my cheek again,
Let's see if your breath stops halfway through your throat like time is frozen.
Like mine did.

Brush my knee again,
And watch as the hairs on my legs rise, and goosebumps pop up haphazardly to say hello
Because- oh my god, what am I doing

And turn away again,
Because saying that sentence has snapped you out of a trance, and you've realized again.
I'm not her. And trust me, it hurts me just as much.

Then leave again,
Let me wonder why I ever let you into my heart, just to watch it shatter into a thousand crimson drops as you exit.
But this time?
Don't come back.

It's 3 am, and I need to sleep

But all of a sudden a massive flow of ideas has coursed through my veins and

Now I'm too hyped

Warm under the covers, we’re not meant to be lovers
The warmth under makes me safe

Your arms like towers, this love devours
Every inch of my sanity

If you’re  leaving don’t let me believe in
The good of you and that you’re coming back

Please let me go, break my heart so I’ll know
That you, you’re not coming back

I have nothing left in me


I am just white noise walking

She once told me,
A song is a wish you write to
the universe

And now I know,
that the universe
doesnt grant

w i s h e s

a week ago on sunday
i witnessed my brother marry
the love of his life

it rained

and it was beautiful

and it reminded me
that life is short
and wonderful

and maybe i should start

living instead of writing poems.

maybe i should start
taking wonderful opportunities
with you.

The words will come to me eventually.
I’ll hear them, see them, taste them,
As for now this pit in my stomach has rendered me completely and utterly senseless, devoid of feeling, emotion.
Devoid of words.
I grasp at straws and empty threats
Desperate to find something within myself.
Someone within myself.
I dream the most vivid dreams but
As soon as daylight crosses my face
And pries  my eyes open
It becomes void of colour
Of clarity.
Devoid of hope.
And I sit here in wait of something
Someone within myself
For as I am
I am a shell of a human being
Waiting for something to fill me with life
To give me purpose.
And I know the words will come eventually.
They always do.
I’ll be able to see them, hear them, touch them.
But they’ll be different.

Letters by letter by letter
These thoughts and emotions
Pour from my head to my heart,
Through my veins.

They reach my fingertips,
Tapping eagerly on the side of my laptop
But then I hear it,
What if it sounds stupid? What if no one cares what you have to say?

Her voice, no, my voice,
Doubtful, hurting, scared.
But the thoughts keep pumping
my fingers violently throb

It all happens like a blur,
I have to get these words out
Or everything will explode
Into a dizzy array of sparkling light

So I type and I type and I type
I type till my fingers go numb
And my eyes are glazed over
And it doesn't hurt to breathe anymore.

And despite her many warnings,
When I click 'save',
She quietens down
And anxiety doesn't hold me back.

It's a shame that I started to realise all my imperfections

when you came along