I first saw her when I was a young kid
she didn't see me because I hid
She was very pretty
but looked at everyone with pity
she was so small
yet she was so tall
she didn't know me
but she could
and she would

we were now teens
where i could be seen
i wanted help
i hated myself
but she was there
she told me what to wear
she said we were friends
till the end

she saw how i thought i was fat
said she would help me get flat
it will be a big fray
but do as i say
she told me

eat less she said
you wont have dread.
lose more weight
you already ate
your so close
pretty like a rose.

just like a rose in a flash of red
i was dead
i was so light
not daring to take a single bite
i was gone
just before dawn.
the self hate was still there
Ana didn't seem to care.

she stood next to the grave
there the last gift she gave
a wicked smile
and took another name from the file.

this was her plan all along
a long twisted song
it was so wrong
now i'm gone
because of that self made demon spawn.
Ana Anorexia has killed me.

Seventeen.

I barely dare to say it out loud
Just in case it might be true.
Have you ever looked into a mirror
And not been sure that face was you?
In any case it's hideous
But really what is a face?
Just some bone laced together
And covered with skin;
It can't begin to express the complexity
Of the person it hides within
But my face is growing older
And my eyes just aren't the same
As they were when I was six years young
And had never been caressed by pain.
Before my brow had felt the weight of gravity
Drag it down to shadow two lonely worlds,
Before life had complexity.
Back when I was innocent, naive.
Just a little girl.

Seventeen.

The word sticks to the back
Of my throat in tatters:
A feeling that's not remotely like excitement
But more like the way
That the darkness tastes
In the moment when light scatters
Or how it feels when a lie
You've believed in shatters
And a sliver of the hurt
Gets stuck inside you
Bleeding a bit before petrifying
Into a memory you can't escape
No matter how hard you pry

.

She collected sea shells
I collected sand
She searched for the perfect one
I reached down my hand

I carried a bucket
A basket she did whirl
Mine was filled with tiny grains
Hers with mother of pearl

She came out each morning
Me, just late at night
She adored the sunrise
I loved the moon light

Then one day it happened
My alarm clock didn’t ring
I woke to a rising sun
It was the weirdest thing

I ran down to the shoreline
My bucket in my hand
It’s then I saw her gorgeous face
While I collected sand

I found a perfect seashell
And watched her eyes grow wide
She held out her basket
I placed the shell inside

Then she reached down before me
And gathered in her hand
I held out my bucket
She filled it up with sand

And now each day and evening
We walk along the shore
She told me that she loves me
And her I do adore

So if you see us out there
Strolling hand in hand
Know...she’s collecting sea shells
And I’m collecting sand

you're lying
lifeless
on the floor
your head flat
on the ground
your hair
golden
spread
like a mane
you lie like a queen
crown in your
limp
cold
hand
but you have no dignity
of which to speak
you lost it all some time ago
and you haven't found it again
not very regal,
are you?