i love snow days
sleeping in,
a pancake breakfast (or brunch),
working in my pajamas,
watching the quiet and still world out the window
nothing beats a snow day

until you have 3 of them over the course of a week or so (with a weekend in between) and you live alone

then i start to feel like jack torrence

some days i truly believe i’m doing better
but something always happens
when i’m getting close to someone
sharing the intimate details of my life
my story
my shortcomings
my “trauma”
(god i hate that word
that word is reserved for those who went through truly horrible things
but not me
because it wasn’t bad in my head
though i’m learning that there are some pieces missing when i talk to her about what happened)

i can’t get close to people like i could before you infiltrated my life and grew like a slow-moving cancer
constantly there even when there are no symptoms
(god there’s that word again. “cancer.” that ugly
vile
word only reserved for the worst of the worst
that word that made last year the worst year of my life
maybe it was the lack of that word that made it
i don’t know
but i hope that’s what you get
something slow
but hard to treat
i want you to feel what it’s like to feel your insides being ripped apart
feel the sickness
and pain
that i felt.
god i hate myself for saying that
rage clouds the corners of my vision and oftentimes becomes blinding
yet i am stuck
stuck between the feelings of rage and mercy
so diametrically opposed
and different
but i guess somewhere deep down i remember that you’re a human being
but
you are a monster
you preyed on my innocence and naïveté and optimism
and i couldn’t take off my rose colored glasses to see your true form until the damage was done
you had no business with me or getting close to me
or taking me


but i digress

i wish so desperately to find solace in
You
i want to believe in You wholeheartedly
but for some reason
i cannot
i was raised to follow You and believe in
You
but i feel You have left me in the dark
i am trying to see Your light through the forest
but i cannot
i don't feel Your love the way i once did
You don't touch me the way You used to as i kneeled before You on sundays
i know You are real and the Son is real
but i am having a hard time understanding why i am here
and why my prayers have gone unanswered
You have a purpose for me
but what is it?

hey, god
it's me.

are you even there?
because i feel like i've been leaving voicemails in a long lost friends mailbox and never receiving a call back
and now i cannot leave anymore because it is full  

do you even hear me?
i've been screaming my prayers for a long time now and
i
am
getting
desperate
i just want some of your guidence
please
help me navigate through the stormy waters i am going to be swallowed up in

do you even know me?
i am one of your children
yet i feel left behind
like the lost sheep matthew and luke spoke of
but nobody is coming to find me

is it because i don't go to church on sunday?
is it because i don't read the bible?
is it because i don't know the stories by heart?
what is it?
please.
i am lost and i don't think i will be found this time

please
give me some guidence
show me your face
just give me something so i can make it through to see the sun rise tomorrow

lately
i have had the drive to write
but
the words are not coming

what do children do?
they play

see
adults do not and oftentimes they are disinterested and annoyed by children at play
their joyous cries and screams and laughter that fill the air around the playground are just annoyances
the real games of pretend they play are lost to adult onlookers
but maybe as we age we can no longer see the dragon guarding the princess's tower
or
the jungle that is the monkey bars
now all we see is a landing at the top of the ladder leading to the slides and metal monkey bars with chipping paint
the secret language they communicate with was once something we could comprehend but now it is just incoherent babbling  

play is something we would do with reckless abandon
spending hours outside with friends, siblings, cousins, or solo
creating these fantasy worlds in every corner of the schoolyard
using sidewalk chalk to draw neighborhoods for ants crawling across the blacktop

sometimes we just need to let go and try to salvage any pieces of our imagination in order to escape from the stress of the office or the bills that are more than expected
sometimes we have to escape back into that child-like mindset in which the world is your playground
a mindset in which the world is what you make it
not what it makes you

so next time you pass a playground or schoolyard
roll down your windows and listen to the language of play
take a minute to remember that you were once one of those children

next time a child asks you if you want to play
play with them
rediscover the world with the sense of wonder you once had

don't be afraid to play

last spring
i was somewhat happy
you kissed me on a street corner after we spent the day drinking coffee and beach combing
then you tried to push my boundaries in your car in a random parking lot
but i wouldn't let you.
then things were okay
and shortly thereafter we put a label on it
then you met my parents.

this time last year
i was waiting for a text that i never received
i was waiting for a call back but the phone never rang
i had never been so hurt before
you planted roots in my heart and my brain, though retrospectively i realize they were superficial at best

it has been over a year since that day
and i still wonder why you ended things in such a cowardly way
was it because i wouldn't let you touch me?
was it because i didn't want to be just friends? or just benefits?

since then
i discovered it takes incredible strength to put myself back together
but just a few simple words to tear my world apart
i let myself be played and taken advantage of because after you, that's what I thought i deserved

last year i lost sight of everything
i lost my love for life